When I was 21, I was a dancer. It was because of this job that I quickly learned about the area on my back that was changing. It started off small, like spider bite. It came out of no where. ....one day my back was normal, the next people were asking me 'what happened' to my back....I called it a spider bite, expecting it to go away...i thought if it wasn't a spider bite, it was an effect of my extremely sensitive skin and the dirty trife-life of rolling around on a stage that has footprints, ass pops and coochie squirts all over it o.O .
It stayed through the duration of my time there....by the time I re-entered corporate America, it had grown enough to prevent me from wearing backless-shirts & dresses.
At some point, I weighed over 200 LBS. It grew as my weight did. By the time I had lost the weight gain, this 'thing' had grown into a huge NOTICEABLE mass that now made me need a bigger size in shirts. I went to the doctor, fearing cancer (of course) and was diagnosed several times w/a Lipoma. A very common pocket of fat that just magically grows for no reason other than to make you unhappy. They are as common as boils and need surgical out-patient removal. Mine (IMO) is huge. It sits on my back and drives me crazy. I always feel like everyone is staring at it, although most people say they didn't notice until I mentioned it. It's so big that in past relationships since it's arrival, I've had a 'disclosure moment'.
This year, I finally made the leap and got health insurance. Besides being at a high risk for cancer and needing a mammogram, this Lipoma was my motivator, as it will be removed this year!!!!!!!! But before I removed it, I had to do something with it. I never ask photographers to edit my face, brush away blemishes and half the time, i only have on eyeliner. But this thing on my back is always what I ask to be removed from photos. Only one photographer told me to embrace it and refused to crop/edit/photoshop it away. And it was her voice I heard when I decided to do this. So, I did it. Intently and with purpose. This is certainly not my only flaw....but it's a major THING in my life. It's something I'm always conscious of, often thinking about, have feared, scratched, stared at excessively, cried about....it's something that I thought took away from me. Of course this photo won't show it how I see it.....but it shows it. It shows enough. And I showed IT, that I've had enough.
Fuck Fear. Fuck being disappointed that my body turned against me for no reason. Fuck being mad about my luck. Fuck being scared to get a diagnosis. Fuck doctors squeezing it and charging 200 to tell me I need another 1000 dollars to not see it again. Fuck spider bites. Fuck imagination. Fuck dirty stages. Fuck faking it. Fuck pretending it's not really there. Fuck photoshopping it out of my pictures while it stays in my life. Fuck my facade.
FUCK MY MIRROR FAKING!
I embraced me.
Allow me to introduce what is left of Butter. If you were looking for her, all her memories are wrapped up in this pocket o'fat and will be removed within the next 6 months. I am flawed. Heavily. Beautifully. And I don't dance no more; all I do is spit !
And special thanks to Cheria Caldwell/Owtspoken Photography for planting this seed years ago by refusing to edit it out. Also, thank you to Choo Lynn/ANKH Photography for a fun, flirty shoot in my truth. <3 #LegendaryLadies #Women #BlackGirlsROCK
This is huge. May not seem like anything but a long, ignorable post (and that's why it's over here.....baby steps), but for me, this is another step towards the Light. <3 #EmbraceFlaws
*Round of applause* *Snaps fingers*
ReplyDeleteThis is AMAZING!!! Once again you have taken me into your world of understanding and seeing things from your point of view. Most time we never know what a person goes through until they tell us. I personally NEVER noticed it!! I thank you for sharing. I'm sure a lot of "US" women have things going on with our bodies that we are ashamed of and we continue to try and hide it from the world. Continue to stand strong Honey and "SPIT" life into other's situations. GOD BLESS YOU! *YOU ROCK*
THANK YOU FPST ! ;) Lol...i'm such a child sometimes <3 I really appreciate having you along this journey i am on, and I thank you for your reading ears and listening eyes !!!!! This is such a huge step for me, more than i can put in a blog. This thing has been the bane of my existence forever and there comes a point in life where we as women have to 'get over ourselves' ....get over our flaws. AND, we have to stop telling other ppl to 'get over it' when we know we have yet to even approach what we have going on!!! So this is my way of facing ME (in a way non-male related) before I continue to tell other women to be fearless in facing them!!!! I hope it continues to speak to and for every woman possible!!!! !!!!
ReplyDeleteIts funny the things that hold us back, that keep us from living this divine life. That force us into a corner of fear. What's also amazing is that w/o these exact experiences we would not be the women that we are! I have a birth mark on my chest. Its in a place that is normal for every other person I have ever seen. I have a birth mark the size of the continent of Africa.... and i loathe it. But ive recently gone w/o covering it up ( not all the time because im still learning to accept it fully) but i did ... i did it in front of a client that was paying me to model jewelery. I did it with apprehension at first as well as a disclaimer... but then i was like you know what... phuck it. thank you for sharing your story queen. i have recently shared my to a group of women and i told them it may seem like nothing to you... but it is one of the things that has been holding me back.... but no longer. Ase'
ReplyDeleteinspiring!
ReplyDeleteVery Inspiring
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