A Long Drawn Out Ramble of a Titan: FUCKYOULOVE #NiggaNooses

Today’s blog track:

 “I'm feeling restless in the morning

Composure screwed up on the floor
I'm such a mess when you ignore me
You only leave me needing more

Return home, alone
Put on, a sad song
There's a want in me, that won't say no

Well, we all wanna be loved
We all wanna be loved
Loved,
We wanna be loved

But when your pride has all been spent
It's the beginning of the end
And it's sad but it is true
You put your own head in a noose

When you love somebody”

~Daley, #WhenYouLoveSomebody

What?

Who?

Where does today want to be taken in the blogosphere world that has become my autobiography? I can say I am still wanting to blog less and less about the DJ dude, but I see I am getting more comfortable with not keeping his identity under lock-n-key for those who may not know who he is….i think that is due in part to me wishing I had of blasted his lies and philandering on social media in the same manner of which I found out that he was some other chick’s BAE?  

Woooosah, every time I see and/or type that word, I feel like a part of me blows up into smithereens. I’ve learned a lot about my forgiveness over the years. I am the type that will forgive, but I will also find it hard to REMEMBER that one has been forgiven.  So ones trespassing might replay in my mind repeatedly, before I fully grasp ahold of the concept of LETTING GO. Letting go starts in the mind first. It does NOT  start by saying “I forgive.” It starts by embodying that forgiveness and understanding that forgiveness is for YOUR self preservation...not for their clear conscious; some people should NEVER have a clear conscious.  Oh sir DJ, will I ever truly forgive you?

I will.

But I don’t know how long this shit will continue to drag chalkboard nails across my heart.  He made me feel inadequate. Not enough. Not cute enough. Smart enough. Cool enough, understanding enough, he made me question me more than I was prepared to, in a time when I was really thinking I was coming full circle into the woman I strive to be. He put the Bruised Muse on me and poured me a teaspoon of infatuation from him to me...It wasn’t all his fault. I played a huge role in this demise. But he was a soul sucker. And there were MANY warnings that told me so.....the eggs....flat tires....etc, etc....shit that i didn't do but would have went to war FOR him about....to think that i ended up right next to these unknown female faces....i bet he talked about me to BAE the same way he did those other women to me. Lol. #SoulSuckers

I gave too much, loved too hard and too quick and I saw it all coming. I WANTED to love him, so I did. I did NOTHING to stop it. I don’t know why my energy was pulled so closely to his. I literally felt PULLED into him....when we were in the same room, i felt like my DNA was frazzled until i got next to him. I used to have to force myself to stay seated because excitement was jumping inside of me like beans ....i wanted to hang on him, around him, i just wanted to make him smile and vice versa....it worked for a minute...we were drawn to each other....i will never think differently. I know what was there....and so does he. But he shut it down....i was the one that ignored that.   I don’t know why I wanted HIM so badly.  The more certain weeknights found us frolicking in a parking lot and talking about random shit until the wee hours of the morning as if neither of us had a job to go to the next day, the more I saw me in his eyes. I don’t think I was ever really there tho. It was a mirage, that I created.

If the nigga had have tried to be honest at any of the many opportunities that presented itself, we probably would have remained cool. If he hadn’t have used me with a niggacries about the struggle to stay afloat, if he hadn’t have puppet stringed me along, knowing all too well about how I felt and what I was hoping for, then we could have remained cool.  As it stands today, if I walked past him and he needed a glass of water to stay alive and I knew it, I would drink a tall, cold bottle of Ice Mountain in front of his face…..and walk away.

And that is me being honest.

* shrug * Right or wrong,  it’s exactly what I would do. Wait-

I’d like to add that I would toss some filler flowers on top of his dying soon-to-be corpse.

That’s brutal right? I know. * more shrugs *

I also know that any of the many times my instinct was begging to me to leave that shit alone, if I had have listened, I would be way better off. I know if any of the times I told my girlfriends that I knew I needed to leave him alone, I actually did, I wouldn't be here. If I had have let go when it seemed like he was losing interest, I would not fucking be here.  But, a woman who WANTS a man to like her and/or love her,  can sometimes make that death-to-emotions choice to listen to his words and ignore his actions because his words are more conducive of that which she wants to hear. 

*Enter Januarie York*

lyingnigga
+

Dumb ass grown ass woman=

RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

And now, I am angry at ALL of them.  Every last one of these niggas that has crossed my life and left me on the stake burning in love, now are subconsciously receiving the hatred for them that I have ALWAYS seemed to have amazing strength of control over.

As I continue to try to state through these blogs for your reading and my healing, I ALLOWED A LOT OF SHIT TO HAPPEN.  That doesn't make it right, that doesn't mean it should have happened, but it does mean that I am woman with a powerful instinct that I have chosen to ignore a record breaking amount of times in 35 years and today, it has gotten me right here. …..i had a water leak in my new home when i first moved in (I moved in, in Jan)…..the gas/water company has attempted to rearrange my life and my money because of it. My gas bill topped and went over $1K because of it and most of it was water. .every since then, in addition to trying to pay regular priced bills, have a smile here and there and trying to keep my sanity, I’ve found myself struggling……which sucks because I worked crazy hard to get all my bills down low and it was working. I was in a good financial space.  Now, I’m depleted 

……I don’t say that to share my business at all. ….its embarrassing…..even though I feel as though it wasn't my fault (and God has blessed me with a couple of adjustments/credits), I'M the one that has to clean this fucking mess up. I’m  the one that has to find the money, that has to find the help/assistance. I can’t roll over and say to baby, ‘what we gonna do’ ??  After all this compromising of myself, my wants and desires and the things I feel as though I deserve, after all this loving and fucking, I stand in the middle of a sea of bullshit regarding this one bill that is making it harder to pay my others and I can’t look at my better half and say ‘let’s do some stress relief fucking’ or 'we in it together right" ....

I can’t look at my left hand and say, I know its gonna be ok because my husband is not gonna let us fall.  I can’t look to my guy and say baby can I come stay with you while they turn off my water and I figure out a way to recover. I can’t do shit but twiddle my thumbs until I get an answer, created solely by me. I bring this us because yesterday and again this morning, I found myself unloading a ship full of tears. I cried and cried purely out of frustrations..... and when the CSR at the gas company asked me “how many in the house”, the resonating sound of my answer made a tearful attempt at taking me out of my semi-professionalism. ONE. I wanted to say ONE FOR LIFE MA'AM.... Damn if I ain't glad I can’t and don’t have kids.  Shit would be THICK. 

 I cried out of anger, hurt, tiredness.  I cried because i wanna vomit on top of the repetitive advice of “girl just be happy with you”……lets be for real….i AM happy with ME….as I may have stated before, I know how to be me and how to be alone. I know how to date myself, hang out with myself and enjoy ME TIME. ….that has honestly never been much of a problem for me because I’m an only child. Being alone is a lifestyle.  But at 35, I just wish I could be in the company sometimes of a like minded individual who makes me laugh.  And fucks me right….Yes, I said that and you know why ??? Because I like to.

Straight up. If anyone reading this thinks less of me because of that, then stop fucking reading * shrug* ….i like sex…no I don’t want it with just anyone, I don’t want to share energies and trade bodies with just anyone…..but to have someone who pleases my mind and body would really help mellow me out a bit.  But that’s not my  truth and most of these tainted, diseased up niggas won’t even take a free Walgreens AIDS test, so here the I am. Masturbating in between my tears of fatigue.  Sometimes I wonder how it is I am not ‘interesting enough’. …..

I was in a relationship for seven years. Back and forth, in and out foolery.  Me and him are still friends today.  I actually consider him my ‘homie’ but for the fact that he still loves me and would probably like to get back with me but that will NOT happen....Nah…..we can be cool, but nah….nope and then, no thanks.  I remember one of the things that used to make me double think myself as a woman was how it seemed that I could inspire the world around me but the man that I was in a relationship was not inspired by ANYTHING I said or did. No shows at my shows, no shows at the moments that meant the world to me. No one in the audience was proud of me and wanted to take me home and fuck me until made a poem in his ear as opposed to regular name calling.  No one told their friends ‘my girl is the shit on the mic’. …..i was like a ghost…..i would leave shows and go home and wonder how come my words on paper didn't translate into my relationship.  I wondered how I managed to not get him inspired to travel or use his art (he can draw his ass off) or how I just wasn't inspiring enough  to get engaged in or TO…but it didn’t matter…I knew  in year one he wasn't my husband.

So I tortured myself, perhaps out of habit. #MoreACcountability.

But I wasn’t a princess. I wasn’t drama or problem free, so I honestly hold very little anger to him.  I just couldn’t’ understand our dynamics or purpose.  We were stale seasonings that had lasted beyond our timetable with each other.  I came to understand that when he gave me a tape dispenser shoe for my birthday when I asked for a $125 NY ring from Tiffanys.   Lol. 

All this random babbling about niggas has made me thirsty.

* sips Hi-C and fast fowards*

So the Wednesday before my birthday 2014, i typed to #MuseWeasel that he needed to bag my New York hat up, along with the picture of his son that I had printed on canvas (and that was a story in itself) and drop them off at a safe location. I told him he would not be wearing MY NEW YORK on dates with his new bitch and that he would not be fucking underneath my canvas. I don’t remember ever retrieving gifts. I’m not that type. If I GIVE you something, its yours. I relinquish rights.

And yes, i called her a bitch and i didn't like it, but i honestly couldn't find another description during those blurry moments of communication....

I gave him ME, in each of those gifts. ESP the hat. That hat came from one of the Yankee stores in NY when I had visited there last year.  I handpicked it and surprised him with it because I thought it was pretty dope hat.  I damn near wanted one for myself. The logical thing to do was to get ME a hat, but nah…..my happy wanna love a nigga that don’t love me ass gave HIM my thirty something dollars….aka a hat. O.o

The other day i thought to myself, I want to be with someone who connects with me so strongly that the things I do for him are seen not as THINGS, but as pieces of ME.  I want a connection so dope that I don’t have to explain that THIS is not just a gift: this is Kendria.  Me buying you a hat is one thing; me bringing you a hat back from New York that says New York for the simple reason of I love you, is a piece of me.  To know my love for NY, regardless of whether or not one understands or gets it, is to know that a hat from NY is a love offering.  Don’t accept if you don’t want the woman, the eyes, the hands, the stomach that pouts a bit at the bottom, the feet that get Charlie horses in flats, the smile, the teeth that are crooked, the moist tongue, natural hair, poetry, ramblings, blinks, thoughts, laugh, smiles and inner workings……..just say no.

I am a drug.

And so is man.

And if we are not gonna WILLINGLY get high off of each other together, then WHAT.THE.FUCK. ARE. WE. FUCKING.TALKLING FOR????!!!!!! WHAT ARE THESE TEXTS FOR??? What is the conversation for?  Just keep it real.

We in our 30s…if we not gonna keep it real now, then when ???

Never?

* shrugs ensue* 

You definitely can’t make a person love you.  That’s up to them and their open eyes and welcoming heart. I jumped headfirst into a nigga that had a closed heart that was only willing to be open for this one woman. 

*soundtrack changes*

“say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you”

Gotdamn.

I honestly don’t know what I’m rambling about this morning in this blog. Just venting I suppose. No one in particular.  But I’ve thought of them in this last struggle of a few days……and here’s what I came up with:

Things I've Done in the Name of Loving the Wrong Niggas:

- had abortions and subsequently lost the right to have children forever (this was all one person…#MuseSlevin….who didn’t want to have kids with me….but we never used protection….because it was more fun to scar my uterus -_- )

-survived and stayed

-compromised myself, my beliefs (I was once upon a time PRO LIFE -_- )

- Gone along for gun dumping
- aided and abetted STUFF

-served lines to the nose (not mine)

- lived with drugs ….while he lived safely elsewhere

- spent money

-lost time

-lost self

-lost identify

-played with suicide

-hid bruises

-accepted the unacceptable
-looked for the eyes of the heart in the head of a dick #MuseWeasel

-tried to buy my way into their heart (if I were gonna be totally honest .. * shrug * …I did this with #MuseWeasel and I KNEW it)

- allowed desperation to show face on my face

-had a threesome (if I were gonna be totally honest… *shrug * Live and learn I suppose)

I’m gonna stop there and its damn near unbelievable to me that I could keep going. O.o   For these reasons and the ones not mentioned, the climax between me and #MuseWeasel and his girl, who he ultimately ended up describing as “someone he always loved, messed up with and never expected to get another chance with but loved her and although he had experienced love since, he had loved no one like her since her”, is what has created this bubble i been living in: part anger, part grief, total comfort lacking…..i almost would respect his love for her if their recreation of the past didn't occur on top of my naked and foolishly unprotected body and love. * shrug * Now I just wish they would both leave my city and let me have it until I leave.  And I never see them.  Sometimes I think I been staying in the house out of fear that I will see them together out somewhere at some point, in this small fucking city, and won’t be able to save me from the moment. IDK how that moment would go. I already have enough on my plate ducking and dodging my ex and his wife.   

This year exposed me to me. IT showed me how much of ME I GIVE, so freely, in the name of hopeful-love.  I give it ALL.  I’ve never known how to hold back …..and over the years, it got increasingly worse.  Up to the dj that turned a mirror on me and basically said “LOOK AT YOURSELF YOU DESPERATE BITCH”

And now here I am.

And all I want is to be left alone. I wouldn't trust my heart to love another if God told me himself that He gave me a new one to start over with. I want love….don’t get me wrong….i do. I want to BE loved…..but I don’t want to GIVE it.

I’ve never shut down like I have this time….i don’t think I've ever shut down. I've always been a hopeless romantic, who despite it all, has remained optimistic about love...even after working at the club for four years (various clubs, various cities)....idk how any woman can leave the strip-club and truly RESPECT men....and that's real. I've seen first hand how disrespectful men are in general....

maybe i should say SOMEMEN -_-  <<looks like semen doesn't it *giggle * 

Trust me when i say the pouring of FUCK EVERYTHING shots are under-exaggerated at bachelor parties. SOME (lol) men truly have no fucking GAF....how did keep the desire (DIEsire) for a man alive after some of the shit i saw AND participated in ???   ….I've never given myself a chance to STOP BELIEVING in possibilities.  Until now……..

And hopefully,

One day in the future, no matter how many days/months/years,

I will return to a portion of that optimism.  But right now, I don’t trust myself to love any of these niggas.  They are objects to me.  Speckles of dust in my eye that I keep rubbing out. Broken muses for half written poems…..they are the music that bursts my eardrums….

They are thorns in my fingernails…..

They are haunting figurines of mistaken identities and audacious  lessons learned repeatedly. They are lifelong loves that will forever live inside of me....because true love never dies.....we just stick it in a different, inaccessible place when that love is proven useless...
hmm...is there a coochie cleanse that will wash away the remnants and memories of these niggas? I should work on that. It will take the dicktation (as Jill Scott so eloquently calls it) and the memories away in one squeeze-n-pee ...too much? * more shrugs* 

...sometimes i wonder who has told who about my blog....what is the thought...what could be said or done? It's my story...my truths...I'm not afraid of me because i have to live with me. Til its over. ......

and that's why i keep myself on mirror check....because no matter how many times i have felt played or gamed, i am still the controller of my own watchtower.....

 i sent that last nigga pictures of me. Yes that is childish and stupid and I've seen what he does with his pictures on IG after it was over (and i cracked the code...i went into TOTAL and unappreciated Inspectress Gadget...got names, addresses, places of work, IG acceptance...he sent me somewhere i had never been)....its pretty disgraceful to say the least, but it wasn't me. -_-  Although, it wasn't her....although, it WAS in ALL of  OUR time frame....lolol, all this pussy-dick playing......we should all be at Bell Flower pulling number tabs ......

That nigga can think what he wants.....and so can his gal. lol...anyone who says 'oh she should be over it by now" is a giggle-giver...they should try standup at Morty's and get a check for the joke....you can't put a time frame or limit on a heart monitor....Esp when you encounter that one person who completely wipes you out.  I WISH it were all so simple....

-but looking back over the years, i can still see the permanent bruise every morning underneath my eye when i put my make up on. It's been there since forever....ten or so years. It was an eye hit so hard that it never went away and sometimes, i think its my eyeliner sweating off. Its not. 

And i'm ok. 

I made it. I didn't die. I didn't keel over or kill myself. I can't have kids but hey, i don't even want them. I don't want THAT responsibility, but it stopped me from fraternizing with babies much. I can't .....I've held ONE baby in the last ten years plus. ....and it was my sistefriend Queen's granddaughter. That 'baby' is now walking, talking and drawing and my sisterfriend is gone. Some things you LIVE with forever....its not about 'healing' as much as it is about finding out how to live with what is life....

I just .....idk....i swear sometimes i think LIFE wants me to kill myself.....straight up. I would NEVER do it tho....but i swear, sometimes i just want to look LIFE in the face and say 'are you trying to make me jump or what ???"  But i ain't going no where. Fuck these niggas. Fuck being hurt....and as my sisterfriend used to say so much, and i tried sooooooo hard to make her STOP saying it, fuck.love.  

*soundtrack changes *

“….hello love

i know your deal

and i know you could get me killed

get me killed

how dare you judge

the ways of lust

when you're the reason i don't trust

fuck you love

fuck you love

HELLO LOVE" 

No one has ever been afraid of losing me.

And that’s ok.

Because now, no one else will have me. But me.

And whomever I decide to start fucking IF that’s what I decide to do…… * shrug *  #TheEnd

#MuseSlevin #MuseWeasel

*final soundtrack change*

Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can't stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can't stop. Can't let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,
I have let you go

And everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
Maybe I, right now, can't see the forest full of trees
So lost behind hurt
But I'm trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
O you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up
Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It's gonna be beautiful

Down to to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling I could fly (Feeling I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me
But I'm feeling like I'm in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation
That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake 
up
Gotta wake 
up *cue alarm clock* 

~JillScott #LightOfTheSun 

#AndIWILLWakeUp