Sound & Color.

Blogtrack: You Saved Me, Gary Clark Jr.

“It's taken me a little while to bounce back

I've been falling from some thing good

People say I took a little too long

Oh I did, yeah”

Ooooooh weeeeee, guess who’s bizzack???!!!!! Still smell the crack in my clothes?

Ok, I’ve never sold crack. That was a Jayz line and let some of the masses tell it, he never sold it either. But I digress.

I am officially resuming my blog posts as of today. It’s been two months since I posted anything. Two days after my last post, my life took a spin that I wasn’t expecting and I guess I’ve sorta just been existing in the spin cycle since then. But more on that later. ….maybe.

I was recently given some information on where to find the current season of Being MaryJane and after having gone through all of my regular television  shows on Hulu, I finally decided to go looking for BMJ. I found out and watched the first three episodes of the new season.  If you recall, one of my best, most prolific blogs (in my opinion) came after watching an episode of BMJ. It was one hell of an epiphany to say the least. That would be the one where David asked MJ why he would ever stop a woman from loving him. Well on one of the episodes I watched a few nights ago, MaryJane and her younger brother were having a conversation about David and about why she loves him so much. After a little brother and sister back and forth about relationships from their differing perspectives, her brother said something that pulled me from the depths of my closet (where I was cleaning) and out in front of the tv to rewind and hear it be said again.

“You deserve more than the words I Love You”.

And there it was.

Another epiphany for jY.

You deserve more than the words I Love You.

This entire blog is littered with niggas who I sought an I Love You from. Yes, like any other woman who wants love, I wanted that I Love You to be genuine and to be full of promise, future, action and unapologetic profession; but none of those things were more important than obtaining those three words. I wanted, very specifically, an I Love You. I always have. Everything else was on the backburner and until I heard MJ’s brother say that, I didn’t realize it. Whether the cause was low self esteem or something bigger is anyone’s guess, but I most definitely placed the ACTION of I love you-  second to getting someone to say it. I think subconsciously I thought if I could get ‘him’ to come off of an I love you, it means SOMETHING and the rest I can make happen.

“If he tells me he loves me, I can make him act like it so that I can believe him.”

Nope, that’s not another BMJ quote. That is a page taken directly out of the jY Playbook for Obtaining Unhealthy Fauxlove. And it’s destructive message is underrated.

#MuseXMan was cute.

I felt less pressure on myself to fall in love because he was in a different state. But I quickly learned that he could not and would not ever love me. Not that I was looking for him to love me, but he was 42, I’m 36, so at this point, why date if we’re not open to long term? Long term most likely includes love. Interesting love is…..when you have had enough bad bouts in the ring with it, you learn to point out the opponents that aren’t capable of loving you. Now that doesn’t mean that you pay attention to your knowledge or even act in it, but the ability is there and grows with each wrong turn of the soul ties button. I knew XMan wouldn’t love me when I tried to be upfront with him about something I’m self-conscious about. My back, and the lipoma (google it if you don’t know) that I feel like everyone can see. I had done a photoshoot of which I highlighted the lipoma as means of accepting it’s presence and loving myself and seeing my beauty nonetheless. I figured I’d tell him about it first and then show it to him so he could see….then we’d move on and that ice would have been broken and out the way. I wanted to break this ice so in the event that went for an embrace w/each other, he wouldn’t think I was some sort of strange alien and this would eliminate embarrassment. I told him about it before showing the picture and he sat in silence, listening (?). When I was finished, I had the picture geared up and ready and I said ‘I’m about to send you a picture”.  He stopped me dead in my tracks and went on to tell me he was “squimish”, didn’t want to see it or even continue to talk about it. He was epic levels of grossed out. I actually experienced more embarrassment for bringing it up than I would have if I left it for show and tell. For the next five minutes, whatever he said drove me in the regret bin looking for half priced dvd’s on coping mechanisms. Mind you, this man had served in the US ARMY, for YEARS!!!! He did a tour in the Gulf and one in Iraq if I’m not mistaken, yet me talking about a pocket of fat that I yet to have outpatient removal surgery on is making you want to throw up?

OH! 

Ok.

When I visited him, he was distressed about his son. He felt like he kicked him to the curb for a woman. He didn’t say the ‘for a woman’ part, but he most definitely meant it. #SeparationAnxiety.  His son was 15. O.O  ...dude old enough to be out here fucking and here this 40something is talmbout how much he misses him and staring off into space while i'm in front of him looking phreshofftherunway. Nigga where dey do dis?  LOL..

The point of it all is that between those two seemingly small incidents, I was able to quickly discern his inability to love a woman like me. I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak had I known how to do this earlier in life, but hey. You live and learn. I guess you could say I was still making my way towards the Curds & Honey (Biblical ref). Me and #XMan didn’t talk much longer after our visit. There were some other factors that I may go into later in life, but everything besides his good looks, perfect body and heights spoke against me and him. He also had man cave that I originally thought was cool but after the fact, I was able to admit to myself that it was childish. Not there is anything wrong with a man cave; there’s not. But I guess the man I would want to spend my time with would have different stuff in his cave. Books. Music. Black art. Black people doing something other than slamming balls in hoops and knocking each other down on the field. His man cave looked like a 17 year old spoiled sportsfan’s bedroom. * shrug* I ain’t like it.

He was OCD. I ain’t like it.

He had a belt w/one too many (one is too many fyi) rhinestones on it. I ain’t like it.

He had some crazy lights on his truck that he turned on for NO REASON other than to play with it and I ain’t like it.

All this was fine for him. I can respect that he likes what he likes. But it all was less than stellar for me. I tried to conform and think highly of it, as he was otherwise a seemingly solid man. He was all man. A motorcyclist by passion, hard worker, good father, spotless apt….he had great qualities. On paper, he was RIGHT.

But the things I didn’t like about him and the signs that let me know he would never love me were more than enough reasons to move on. I won’t front. They were NOT the reasons I moved on. I moved on thinking I had done something to him when in fact, in hindsight, I had subconsciously done something to myself. When I left him after our visit, I began ‘sabotaging’ any possible future communications with him and couldn’t figure out why.

But I know it now. The answer to the why lies in my subC.

The SubC always knows. “Intuition is there even when my vision’s impaired’, right?”  I guess he stopped talking to me, but the truth is I’m glad. I’m excited and elated that he did me a favor that I was still mustering the strength to execute. Me and my hopeless romantic, Charlotte York (sex in the city) ass was still operating in a fully conscious-grim possibilities lane. Hoping. Underthinking. Setting myself up for the impossible.

Matter a fact, I was about to put myself in the line of fire, searching for an I Love You in a house that had no oxygen. Yup, I was headed back to what I know best. Exquisite Pain.

Had we continued, I would probably be there right damn now.

But we didn’t.

We stopped.

And I went on single in a sleeping city and back to the drawing board of my thoughts: there is no one out here for ME. And he updated his online dating profile.

And then life happened……

And things changed….

….and I met someone who was so real that daily, I had to tell my feet not to take off running. I had to tell my mind not to start with the sabotage and believe me, it had TRIED IT ! I met someone, who I had already met at the start of the year, who would come into my world of poems and hope, and show me that I deserved more….

…I deserved more than some dick, because dick ain’t always good, it ain’t always sober although at times it can be somber, and it’s useless if attached to someone you share no connection with. #MyFavWordRight

…I deserved more than a lie. The truth is beautiful. I’m beautiful. Why not combine beauties and make some abracadabra???!!!! I met someone who intentionally and with GOD in the forefront, wanted to show me what it’s like to make magic.

….i met someone.

I did it. I finally met someone. Someone who started to make me feel like no one before him existed. Someone who gave me a different type of love. He gave me ACTION.

Non stop action. Every single day, there was some type of action to keep him on my mind. He did that not by accident. I wanted to be immediately sold. He courted me. Picked out where we  go for dates instead of taking me to eat, to a movie and the bedroom. He smiled when I asked questions and answered them to the best of his abilities. He went to the grocery store with me as a date because I wanted to (it was the new Marketplace District)...and he smiled the whole time. He saw me light up about a blue orchard…..and three days later, he brought it to my door.

He gave me simplicity in the form of I Like You. I don’t need a lot of hoopla to love or be loved. I just need the love to be real…..if the love is real, then everything usually falls into place. But when it’s a statement, not an action, then what you get might not be what you expect.

I met someone who gave me more than I Love You’s encrypted with background lol’s and bullshit. I had to ask myself was I tripping??? Was this me projecting again? Am I pretending or kidding myself or just so desperate for love that I am still accepting anything?

I met someone that without any words, told me that I no longer have to love for two people. I could just love for myself, and be loved in the process.

From it all, I learned that while I have been ‘in love’ before, many times to be honest, I’ve never experienced love for myself.

All these blogs are filled with the Charlotte York inside of me that screams out hope. From age 17 – 34, I have fallen in love with hope more times than I can count. I have been the Queen AND The King for us BOTH.

“I love us enough for both of us”

~Jhene Ainko (sp).  

THAT’S SOME UNHEALTHY LOVE-LIKE SHIT RIGHT THERE. I can say that for certainty because I’ve done it. I’ve loved enough for two people, thinking that my love could cover me loving him and him loving me, when all it did was depress my heart and send me in a tailspin that nearly ended up w/me catching a case.

But I’m done with that. Not done blogging by any means. I did need to take a minute to figure out where to take the blog or if it would be detrimental to my new relationship to continue crafting this blog, but I’ve received the answers I needed and was looking for and will be right back here next week…. With a new blog. Hell, Chante may have a man, but this blog is my future best seller, so I can’t lose my focus.

But I must point out that finally, at age 36, I have fallen in love with a man. And he ACTIVELY loves me back. I have absolutely NO questions, no doubts and no concerns about it. I know it to be true unlike any other experience with a man prior. Besides, anytime you make a suggestion to drive 711 miles away for an ice skating date and he obliges you and spoils you in the process and it’s HIS birthday, then maybe you’re on to something. My mom says I took him to NY. But the truth is, he took me.  I was with a guy for seven years and we went ONE place together after 2 years – Cedar Point. It was great. And that was it. After we broke up, the nigga went to Cali AND NYC. Lolol. That’s an example of accepting an I Love You and thinking that’s all you need.

But not anymore. We pray together daily. Attend church together. Refuse to not make and keep God FIRST and foremost in our relationship. He scares me and I pretend to be fearless. I pray and God answers. God has answered every prayer I asked about this man. I wanted to not believe they were answers, but I remember the last time I did that, I ended up locked, loaded and ready for war with black paint. So if God answered me then and I knew it but ignored it, what would happen now? So I’m trying it. I’m committed to it. I don’t feel pain. I don’t even have questions. We talk about everything. We enjoy each other. I wasn’t going to include him in this blog, but I really didn’t know how else to explain my blog absence. Heck, we’ve talked about this blog!!! LOL!
Plus, this is the first time in my life that I am receiving something more than those three words. 

It's been hard AF not to mention it at all. But we've already agreed that it's ok to post some pics here and there, but our relationship is NOT for social media's chiming in. I don't need to change my status or post our private messages. We won't fight online. We'll pray and part or pray and stay. Two options. Rather simple. No one else involved but God. No substats. No friends calling. No games and half truths. We operate on ROYAL levels. And there is no other option. 

So this is my re-entry to blogging for #AMuseD. NO, I am not about to fill this blog up with stories of the person in my life. I want to explore more of the statement MaryJane’s brother said tho. I will do that with the next blog. I have a lot more thoughts to go with it but this one is already too damn long -_- 

#WelcomeBackjY ....have some Curds & Honey. 

Blogtrack:

“A new world hangs-

Outside the window

Beautiful and strange

It must be, falling away….

I must be.

Sound and Color…with me…for my mind

And it should show you where to go when I need a speak. “

~Alabama Shakes, Sound & Color