Monday Godspeaks

An excerpt from an article I read this morning called "49 Reasons Why We're Never Breaking Up Anymore", via Elitedaily.com. The article was written by Lauren Martin....and wow.


".......We’re entering half-assed relationships and ending them with even less attention. Most of our relationships are over before we can say we know what that person looked like.

We’re just not responding, not answering and not giving a f*ck. We’re throwing our hearts at the first person who direct messages us then taking them back at the first sign of something better.

The problem with today’s dating culture is that there isn’t one. There’s a hook-up culture, and within that hook-up culture, there’s shallow, biased and surface feelings that we’re trying to use to get away from the real ones.

We’re guarding ourselves so that we never really have to face that inevitable heartbreak that almost always comes with every relationship. We’re refusing to enter real relationships, and we’re also refusing to officially end any of them.

By constantly keeping people on back burners, refusing to end things with real closure and never starting or stopping on any real terms is more damaging than experiencing the heart-wrenching pain of a real, honest breakup.

Because at least with the pain of a terrible and sad ending, there’s the hope of a fresh start.

Without this ending, without ever getting that closure we need, we’re refusing to let ourselves ever enter into something without carrying along our past five “failed” still open, never-ended “relationships.”

Because we were never really dating to begin with.Because we were never really dating to begin with.

Because the relationship was never real.

Because you never confirmed what was in your head and what wasn’t.

Because Tinder.

Because we’ve confused lust and love.

Because Snapchat.

Because we’re too scared.

Because we’re perpetually connected.

Because there’s nothing worse than getting your heart broken.

Because you can’t burn a Facebook photo.

Because they’re everywhere.

Because they’re on Gchat.

Because they’re on Instagram.

Because they’re on LinkedIn.

Because we hate change.

Because your next chance encounter is only a swipe away.

Because not responding to a text isn’t a breakup.

Because no one knows how to say goodbye.

Because we’re too chicken sh*t to be honest.

Because we’d rather just be casual than vulnerable.

Because casual is often only casual for one party."

http://elitedaily.com/dating/never-breaking-anymore/850620/

For the full article. 

I basically reposted their full article because wow.

Now Playing: Alicia Keys - Lesson Learned. 

Trigger Warning: There is an "E N " attached to this Que

trig·ger warn·ing
noun
a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material (often used to introduce a description of such content).


FB is a full blown trigger pull.

How do you fully expect to heal when every where you scroll, you find trigger fingers activated and pointed at you? How many thoughts can you manage to control before you run out of room in the control center? How many times can you see something that reminds you of something negative before you stop putting yourself in the pat

What a colorful journey to #DespiteOf this has been................


I just saw them muthafuckin qboots and got dizzy trying to hang on and control all my immediate thoughts.

i know for  fact that i really can't hang on to fb much longer.
it exacerbates my lack of complete healing.

There are ques up and down my timeline celebrating and posting purple and gold and boots and mentions and shit .....

and i simply want to go back to the day before I met one.


I bet, anything in this world, that the odds are, if I signed up for Deckademics, I would move on with a lot more ease. I have long thought this....this may be the first time I'm penning it as my potential truth.  #irony

Because of ......

"i'm bored with myself"


 Something I heard myself say last night in conversation with a friend. After smoking a bit and wanting to sip wine straight out the bottle but deciding not to because I don't want to venture down another cover-up highway, I also heard something else:

I sounded like  Rose.

Rose.

It tripped me out beyond my own belief. Who is Rose you say? Rose is the character I play in For Colored Girls (The play coming in december). If you've seen the movie, which the play is based off of, Rose is the character played by Macy Gray.

The raspy cigarette-voiced woman who gives illegal and harmful abortions in a corner pocket of some ducked off projects, presumably set in Harlem.  Her appearance, although short, is powerful. I've spoken on facebook several times about getting to know this character and these words she delivers in her poem.  It can easily go over people's heads because she is the 'demon chick' in the show. Not only does she give abortions, she gives them illegally, in her apartment with stained equipment that she sanitizes with the same liquor she pours in her cup to sip out of.  In her poem tho, she is broken.

She is hurt, abused, taken advantage of......she is CHANGED.
She was made INTO this person that is on the screen being hated. She was not born that way, she did not intend to be that way, she is who she is BECAUSE OF her circumstances; not despite them.

"Because of"
or
"Despite of."

Two different scenarios in our lives. We can be someone BECAUSE of situation or DESPITE our situation.....she was the BECAUSE of ......

She was harmed by men, women, she was raped, she was stolen, she was sacrificed in the name of New York.....she was changed....because of.

In her poem, she alternates between having a direct conversation with Nyla (The young lady there for an abortion) and having direct recollections of her time spent being innocent, which is a separate conversation that takes place with herself, while also having a conversation with Nyla. She drifts in and out of these two different speeds of talking.....she blanks out into her memories to a point that you can see her tasting what she is recalling...you can tell it changed her...it 'made' her....and she hurt because of what she remembers..she speaks of her trust being broken....she talks of being 'in the world' and what that got her....the stomps back into talking directly to Nyla, where she is angered, upset and soaring in her BECAUSE OF glory......

Last night,
after talking for about 45 minutes nonstop about my life and struggles and trials and how one simple fixable problem can open the floodgates to 'everything else', I stopped talking. And in that instant silence I saw Rose in my reflection. I saw her, I heard her, I saw myself, in REAL LIFE, talking in REAL LIFE to a REAL LIFE person, in my own  REAL LIFE way about MY REAL LIFE,

 THAT is how I am supposed to perform Rose in REEL life....
because THAT is who Rose is.
Who i was last night
a woman toggling between good and evil, memories and currency....sadness and anger that wants revenge on everything, no matter the cost to her already stolen soul.....


I heard that naturally
in me
last night
while i was talking.....

and before it could excite me because it means I CAN bring life to this character....it hurt me, because of all the women on the show to me, how the fuck did I end up being Rose?

The situation might be somewhat different and the results of how I have chosen to channel my feelings and save/help/hurt others might not be the same, but i AM Rose and there is no point for me to NOT bring awareness to that, if only for myself.....the way I naturally dove in and out of my memories last night and back to my conversations, there is no open air for me to believe or feel otherwise...
And it seriously scared me.....
andsaddened me ....

Because I am sooooooooo angry and i honestly do not know what to do to rid myself of it.
And i am so hurt.
I'm almost 36 and it makes me embarrassed to say that I feel the ways that I do but these ways are my reality yo.....i am hurting or angry or something about my stepfather....i really am. I am more upset by my stepfather's treatment of me than I am about my father's dismissal of me. But the two of these combined, plus a brother who was never fully interested or invested makes it sooooo freaking hard to stay optimistic....it leaves room for me to believe in my circulation of negative thoughts that these guys saw the bad in me early on and saved themselves by not being emotionally invested in me.....
I want to let it go and for some years, I was ok with it....
i guess, idk, it just gets hard sometimes to keep up the facade i put on for myself.... sometimes, i just give into the idea that i was born to be this sexual  temptress who would bust open her own chest and throw her beating heart at the nearest male who looks like he MIGHT be capable of offering a bigger grain of salt than the last one....then i read what i write, and i know how i feel when i'm on the more positive level of thinking and i think to myself, that is not believable or acceptable....
but damn.

and last night, i told my bro that I am so used to hurting that i don't think I know any other way, so I just live in my past hurt when no present hurt is coming because its just what i"m used to. ...its what i'm accustomed to. ...i. don't trust people to love me unconditionally....i don't trust myself with my relationships with people anymore and i'm doing little to keep them cultivated right now because i am up to my ears in friends and cool people's and family and all that .......

only to still be companionless. ...as if I am not good enough or deserving enough for it....A male friend i've known since i was about 7 or 8 suggested that in exchange for fixing my starter on my truck, which he said is a $125 job, that he would only charge me 85 bucks....
....and a date.

-_-


And in these moments,
i feel like God hates me.
 I know he doesn't. ....he couldn't possibly unless it is the devil posing as God giving me the mounds of blessings that have come my way.....

but sometimes,
man. ...
i just don't understand how God could 'know' that all the men (or at least MOST of them) in my life would never SEE me for anything more than what THEY want. No matter what it is...and not equip me with the insight or discernment or just the STRENGTH.....gosh damn, i feel like such a weakling...

I am doing it, right now,
even in my blog,
in my writing
I am being ROSE.

and its quite the mirror to look into.................cause I know i will never have anyone as long as this is how i feel....and its not about wanting someone anymore ....its about working myself back to the point where I really feel like i DO deserve a great man......

honestly,
I don't believe that no more.
I just tell myself that because that's what people want to believe about Januarie York. Truth is, I feel and have long felt like used up, washed up goods that will never have love in that capacity. And that makes me sad....
because it makes me  Rose....
it makes me sad because it makes me less than that which has sought to kill me....

How come I ended up BECAUSE OF rather than DESPITE OF?

later on that afternoon.........

That post earlier may have been a little petty...
perhaps?

serious face

*  le sigh  *

I don't know.....
i started back writing in this blog......i wonder if there is some type of way I can channel this into the novel challenge (NaNoMo...or something like that o.O) ....meaning, as inspiration...
i haven't started on that....

in effort not to ramble, let me cut to the chase....

the post earlier may have been a little petty.

it makes me wonder if i'm stifling my growth by doing little silliness like that....er'body eats ass, its a thing now, right??? ****Note: 'er'body does NOT include me or any of my personalities'

* befuddlement ensues *

 ok  i was making a point
it's what was on my mind

this is why i stopped writing on this blog
because i felt like i no longer had the right to share these things.....like i'm wrong somehow for sharing these things or even worse, making myself out to be a  victim of men all over indiana....and neither of those are what i wanted

neither are true....

i'm not wrong
and i'm not a victim

i'm an equal opportunist at best, giving all who vandalize my heart, the same opportunities without discernment being a practiced virtue ....i've played into the hands of the devil, played hands dealt by the devil, played the fucking devil.....shit...

I am by no means anyone's golden angel who dudes just shit on for no reason....a lot of karma as been afforded to me...and a lot of poor decision making has come at my own hands....this blog is the result of both of those things....and then there are just shitty ass people out here ....
this blog includes that too....

for me, this blog is about exposing my flaws of who i allow into my life and how far.....in one of the episodes of Sex in the City, Carrie is seeing a  therapist after a break up with Big.....she meets a guy in the lobby of their shared therapist's office....they start 'dating'....finally, they sleep together.

Afterwards, they are laying in the bed together, cuddling and what not, when Carrie finally asks him exactly what he is seeing a therapist for. .....without seeming the slightest bit disturbed, he said 'i lose interest in a woman after I sleep with her" .....

note the irony....
Carrie noted the irony, as it displayed across her face....he asked her the question in return......her reply: " I pick the wrong men" .....

It was at that moment she got it.  When the therapist initially alluded to that being the problem, Carrie didn't understand it or get it....she was actually offended.  When she spoke to her girls about it, they all agreed with the therapist. Carrie still didn't understand how she was being accused of picking the wrong men, when it rather seemed like these men pick her and she gives them a chance.  She felt like this is who makes themselves available to me and so she pulls from her open category of options....these are the options...!!! But in that moment, as she lay in her bed with her covers over her chest, naked and next to a naked man who, only just now told her that he loses interest in women after sex....

.after they just had sex, 
that is when she got it....she knew then he had just lost interest in her, in her bed.....and for the first time, she saw herself doing the picking...she saw the role SHE played in this theatrical real Life Time....
you'd have to see the episode in its entirety, but upon noticing him, she thought he was cute and let her mind wander off from there, until it met up with him...but she was at her therapist's office...not exactly the fruit section of the grocery store....

No pun intended, but it might not be the ideal place to pick up a date....its these simple and sometimes small decisions and details that have the power to make or break a portion of our lives.....lets say there is nothing wrong with getting a date from the therapy room (no judgment)...how do we end up in the bed with each other before we even know why each other is seeing a therapist ??? #SimpleDecisionsThatChangeOurLives

It all matters in the end....might as well play it as smart as possible.

I'm a lot like Carrie in so many ways aside from writing and shoes.....
i started watching SITC when  I was 25....i gravitated to it and loved it immediately....some of it, I had experienced while other stuff I couldn't identify with because the characters were all ten years older than me....i thought differently then....now ten years later, I completely and totally GET SiTC....ALL OF IT....every freaking episode....except for the happy endings.

I am Carrie....damn near in real life
but definitely in this blog.....I am Carrie.
and this blog is my therapist...
I am the woman, looking from her bed, at the ceiling, with the cover pulled over her nude body....
laying next to a shadow of someone, whom i don't know well enough to know better than to be here with....even though I know better....
I am finally seeing the role I play in my own demise....i mean....accountability....

so to whomever may be reading this...whether it simply the ghosts of my subconscious or the people who click the links or even remember this was ever a thing, please know, this is not about ONLY calling out foul shit....or calling attention to foul shit.... I ain't gonna front, this is all Sugar-Free, i am most definitely calling attention to some shit...

which is why i ask that this remain the way i have it...if you can see the link, you are more than welcome to read....but please do not share with anyone or repost...i'm not there yet....

this is about my looking glass....my face...my reality...my facts..reasons and whys ...part of the reason i hurt so much is because i hold so much in for so long....there is so much inside of me, right now to this day, that will live with me forever because the time has expired to call attention to them....its hard to live like that ..or to know what to do or where to place the stashes of feelings that have curdled long ago, but still exist....this is about me moving on and for once, not having to hold the shit in that i think is fucked, for sake of saving another muthafuckas image and shit.....bitchplease..... <<<that's not directed at anyone, just felt right*

But in the process of doing so, i have to still and at all times, be honest with myself....because if not, then all this shit is pointless. Period, dot. I may have written something like this earlier in the blog...i can't remember but at the risk of being redundant, so you know its real, i will post this and thank anyone who is hear reading....
i pray we all get something from what is shared....i just felt like i had reiterate that I know my role...i mean, i did just post a childish blog...and i'm not taking it down. #oop

but i'm human and the good thing about that is i'm not afraid to be human!!!!

This will be the last time I give a pep rally about this blog and its point or what it means...i'm not gonna continue to share the links anyway....if you are interested, please bookmark the main page...all you have to do is click on the blog title and it will take you to the main page....i'm not longer posting the links because I want to allow this to do what its supposed to do and who its supposed to be for....

even the only person that it ends up being for, is me.  We've once again made the rounds where its time to release....as you can see, if you can see, if you are that interested, this blog is about lots of people, not one.

So if you been to the block, you be'z on the blog. * shrug *

Welcome to the fabulous life of januarie York...presented with no commercial breaks, but ummm

i'll be right back,
after  these messengers. <3

Non commercial here (watch this): The Break Through


~jY

He Licked My -

So maybe that's one of the reasons I thought we were pretty exclusive to one another.



NAHPE.


I was wronged.

He licked my ass on purpose.

I ACCIDENTALLY ate her pussy off his dick.




SOmetimes,

this shit STILL burns me up. Mental STD's. There is no cure but time.


Lots
and lots
and lots and lots and lots

of time.


I'm really not sure why he has been on my mind this last week or two. Its not that he's been on my mind actually, its moreso, the things that remind me of him have not been avoidable for some reason and as much as I control my thoughts, heck, i'm still human and that shit hurt me, my ego, my poems... all of me.


Yesterday, i asked myself out loud, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!?????
If he knew he so much as tiptoed past my thoughts, not only would his ego blow up some more, but he would also say something like 'why the hell is she even still thinking of me" ???


Here's what tho

All my life, all my relationships, I've covered up loss. I have either stayed in the relationship until I was numb to feelings or I replaced them with someone else, that newer, exciting and more cooler anyway....i've always been able to defer my 'hurt' and ultimately cover it up. This is the first time, in a long time if not in my entire life, that I have had to deal in the loss of someone i loved and wanted, with NO COVER UP!!!! NO BAND AIDS......no nothing.

No new guy
no new friend
no staying with a person until i feel nothingness.....

just some straight up riding it out healing, one day at a fucking time.

I've had a lot of good and  great days over the last 3 months......this has just been an interesting 2 weeks lately. I believe its because of timehop and what I was doing/where my head was at this time last year......his birthday is in a couple of days.....

And I can feel the sting of him openly dismissing spending time with me, like I asked 2 weeks prior, and instead hanging out with 'his boys' as he put it, but in reality.....we know what it was.

I'm healing.
i'm better
i'm greater

i have just had some moments here lately...nothing i couldn't control, but moments nonetheless......i guess this is what it sounds like

when doves cry.

DJ Eaaaaaaaasy Dick #WBalls

Guess who back in the motherfuckin house

With a fat dick for your motherfuckin mouth

Hoes recognize, niggaz do too

Cuz when bitches get skanless and pull a voodoo

What you gon do? You really don't know

So I'd advise you not to trust that hoe

Silly of me to fall in love with a bitch

Knowin damn well, I'm too caught up with my grip

Now as the sun rotates and my game grows bigger

How many bitches wanna fuck this nigga named Snoop

Doggy, I'm all the above

I'm too swift on my toes to get caught up with you hoes

But see, it ain't no fun, if my homies can't get a taste of it

Cause you know I don't love em

Whoa!

Hey, now ya know, inhale, exhale with my flow

One for the money, two for the btiches

Three to get ready, and four to hit the switches

In my Chevy, six-fo' Rad to be exact

With bitches on my side, and bitches on back

So back up bitch cuz i'm strugglin, so get

off your knees and then start jugglin

these motherfuckin nuts in your mouth

It's me, Warren G the nigga with w/the Clout....

~Aint No Fun 

#SnoopDogg

"Ya know, some of these niggaz is so deceptive

Usin my styles like a contraceptive

I hope ya get burnt, 

it seems ya havn't learnt

It's the nick nack patty wack, I still got the bigger sack......................"

~Doggy Dog World  #SnoopDogg

Court is In Session

* sigh *

Honestly,

if I were being honest,

it is REALLY boring for there to be NO ONE within earshot. No texts, no calls, no dates, no NOTHING.  Like NOTHING.

It takes genuine work to not let that make you down on yourself or lower your esteem, even if just by a millimeter....imagine getting close to 40 and there not being a single person attracted to you in a way that attracts you to them.

Shit.

Shrug.

That's not what I came here for.
Some days are greater and met with more ease than others....
today is fine day.
I have agreed to self to indulge in Single Woman's Giving of  Thanks, for the first year ever. I hope that I successfully document it. There's this one second app that once I learn how to work it, I might use to capture it. I might also use it if I end up in NY next week. We'll see. The point is accepting my life, the way it is right now, and not wishing or hoping for something greater, better or bigger to occur in minutes....so for thankgiving, I plan to cook for myself, have candlelit dinner with music (probably Trixie Whitley's favorite stranger on repeat) and just enjoy some holiday-me time....

I digresses.....

I came to drop some poetry....all the above is jY rambles.
So, I had a 7 am inbox from someone who is NOT a suitor. He's someone who I know, who does poetry (i've sworn so far off poets that any overuse of metaphors will get a dude the boot) and who I've known for a while now...he's younger than me. And I enjoy our casual few and far in between poetic flirts with each other. I don't text him or call him much at all....more often than not, i act in response to him....

I don't want to seem like I want him. I do and I don't. I do but I can't have him for many reasons. I don't because I'm not good for anyone right now. I don't because he does what I do and it's never worked in the past. I don't because he is not ready for that....WE are not ready for the same things.....so I tend to move around him with pinky tiptoes.....I don't make much noise or engage for long periods....i cut off conversations or don't read messages until days later...i'm honestly not trying to play any games.....

I'm learning from my past mistakes and as a result, I exist with buckingham guards by my side. They control my moves. I am a robot. * shrug *

Our religions are differing to a point of no agreeance.
The same with our age.
So I am VERY realistic in the sense that this is NOT someone 'dateable' to me. We don't even occupy the same state lines. Which is even better.....he's at more than a distance. #SafePlaces BUT- we flirt......rightfully so....i believe we are both attracted to the poetic musings of each other, as well as the physical of each other.....we have good, humorous and often poetic phone conversations sometimes.....but knowing what we know about age, state and religion are deal breakers that can't be avoided. So I wonder if we both tread this line very finely so that there is no 'liking' that takes place OVER the realms of our boundaries. We are both very boundaried off, potentially for differing reasons.....

but we both flirt sometimes.....and it makes me smile without meaning to or even wanting to. I'm such a girlie girl sometimes that it makes me want to stand up and pee. -_-

...we hung out a few weeks ago, dancing and writhing and talking until the wee hours of the morning...it was the first time my body had contact like that in forever.....it felt good. I let go and let my body and the music take over. We sweat and smiled and touched and rubbed bodies....it was a salacious, somewhat sensual act of desire that was strong enough to break the floorboards we stood upon, yet, we both know our truth and its not in the back of our minds....
...it exists in the front pew.

So we both know what we can do and what we can't.
Sex.
That's all we can offer each other. Our religious beliefs, our states and our ages say so. There is no in between.  And honestly, i do not want an in between. I don't want to date a poet. NEVER ....i'm not saying I wouldn't -

I just don't want to. Its too hard to separate the poems from reality when in date mood. You have expectations of this person based on what you have heard from them but in reality, human beings do not exist in the unknown space of similies and colorful metaphors....this can lead to (and for me, has before) major DISAPPOINTMENT.

So....dating is no option.
Its not warranted or wanted.
Do I want to fuck ??? Man......listen. Its been nearly a year. The days are creeping up and beyond me at rapid speed....its almost hard to fathom. I've had so much sex that I'm all sexed out. I outsexed my life. Now I'm involuntary celibate ....and horny. NOt every day but on the days that I am...........shrew. ......dammit man. -_-

Oh...there was a self imposed question there wasn't it o.O ?
DO I WANT TO FUCK ????? Why did i propose this question with this language??? Simple...because we would not be making love......having sex? Perhaps....but fucking is what we would be doing....if I were being honest....and i honestly think there is a huge difference.

So....do.i.want.to.fuck????
Yes and no. I don't want to fuck just anyone....what i have learned from celibacy is the longer you hold your legs closed, the more picky you get about who gets the opportunity to consume your faux-hymen......i don't want to fuck just anyone...i will not be just fucking anyone......and at this stage, it makes no sense to fuck someone who is not for real interested in me......

unless......
I just want a friend w/benefits.....
and honestly, Idk what I want right now.....i really just want someone to hang out with to make these No Plus One dates a little bit more spicy...i want someone I hit the dancefloor with and grind to the beats of reggae music....someone i can sit in the car and talk to like hours are not passing, someone I can share a meal with or cook a meal for.....someone who enjoys my company and vice versa .....and if sex happened to come into play ,then there it is. Thats what I want.

Idk if that exists for me.....
But this young man...this young wordsmith of poetic breaches of body contact......he is someone who I COULD be friends w/benefits with, bUT-

I don't want to be ONE of the beneficial offers that lay at his feet. Im stingy. I want to be stingy with my body and in return, i want that person to be stingy with theirs. I have no call outs or desires or requests of this young man .....flirting with him on the ocassions that we do really breaks the monotony of my otherwise silent love life. I don't foresee anything happening between us other than the sharing of poems and a few friendly exchanges of flirty heat from time to time......

I want nothing from him.
I only want things from ME.

But this morning, he sent a message....well, a poem quip.....cheesy? Not really.....we always talk about poetry and shows and writing and stuff, so it was right up the alley of our relate-ship. This morning's piece of poetry pie was served up Apple Style....and I ate that shit up like pancakes and syrup. It was nice.  It was simple yet vivid and full of smoke and new york and poetry. I liked it.

So I wrote a response.
And I was going to post that here
But i've already said enough.

~jY

This time last year

I did something I haven't done in awhile.

I poked my nose where it doesn't belong.

...it started in the middle of last week. I was minding my business in my office. I usually have my earphones on but in this particular moment, I was earphone-free.....where I sit is pretty quiet.  There is nothing there but the bathroom (unfortunately for me), a conference room and two offices within earshot.

On this day there was a meeting in the conference room, so it was a bit busy and somewhat noisy so why I didn't have my earphones on yet escapes me, but out of the disturbed silence broke a sound that I hadn't heard in months and stopped me in my tracks.

Those piano keys.
An IPhone ringtone.....idk, it could be for androids too, although every time I've ever heard it since this time last year, it was on an iphone.

It quieted whatever I was thinking and I stopped typing and looked up and out into thought oblivion. It was brief.
It was happening before I could stop it.

it was him.

It was proof that he still exists within me and as mad as that might make me or no matter how ill fated it was for me to love him, I did....therefore, he still exists.

He may always exist.
Although tamed and although I was able to snatch myself back before I drifted into a negative space, I still -

remember him.

That ringtone in the office was the same ringtone of his phone. I remember that ringtone going off around 2 or 3 AM one morning while I was laying there next to him on one pillow while he rolled off the top of about three of them mugs....

that was the first physical time I realized he was interested in me. I read people well. I like to think otherwise; I like to tell myself that what I interpret from the shit people do is wrong, then I go on to realize I was right more often than not. Hmph.

I knew he wasn't into me that night. I think that was one of the last times, if not THE last time, I spent the night with him. Everything else after that was nothingness.... me trying and failing miserably at the expense of my crown and perception.
I had to have looked desperate.
I was.

I desperately wanted to be RIGHT this time.  In that right, I ignored my instincts and essentially sacrificed myself for love and I wanted it to be RIGHT.

I wanted to prove myself otherwise. I wanted to be in the right to love this nigga who didn't really like me enough to tell me that he was dating and fucking someone else.

* shrug *
.....on this last night, his body language towards me was -0. I should not have stayed but my pride new that if I suggested I leave, he would willingly see me off. I didn't want that either. I wanted someone to say 'i'm sorry babe, come here' and hold me.
I KNEW he wouldn't do that. So I laid there until I couldn't take it anymore. He offered me no pillows, no body contact, he hogged the cover and the bed.

It was different than it started. Completely. And I knew it and felt it and when I finally decided to leave, he didn't even walk me downstairs, much less to my car.
Lol.

He gave no more fucks in epic proportions and still I continued to attempt to extract syrup from a coffin and yielded only this blog as a result.

I heard that ringtone last week, and remembered him. I remembered the fact that it was useless of me to love him.

Two days ago, I walked in my house after work. I have two furnaces and usually the one downstairs is off because I'm hardly down there. There are more plug ins down there as well.  There are two different atmospheres within my home; downstairs and upstairs. As I walked up the steps and the warmer air covered my body, the smells transitioned from the scents of downstairs to the that of my bedroom.

I got to the top of steps and stopped.
Dead in my tracks.

Whatever I just smelled, I hadn't smelled since this time last year. I recognized it.
It was the scent of his house.
It was distinct.
Memorable. I used to smell it in anticipation when I would be on my way over there.
For some reason, I smelled it in my house.

Had I bought the same plug in as him? Idk....I know that smell tho.
And I knew it the minute it touched my nostrils.
It made me angry.

I still remembered this muthafucka. I have been long gone from his mind no doubt. How is it that he could even have a this long of a blog for me to discuss, nearly a year later????? Ugh.....
I mean, none of this shit involved tears or nothing like that....
i didn't sit around and dive deeper into the thought process, and I didn't drive myself crazy with what ifs, but man.....
still.....

its like WTF. -_-


Today I overstepped my boundaries.
I checked looked at his twitter page.
Looked at his girlfriend's page.

Shrugged my shoulders.
It really didn't make me feel anything. I would say I'm happy for them but why lie???

Seems like people don't get their karma. ....
But i know they always do.


I won't venture back to their neck of the woods anymore.
I would kick myself for falling into the trap today, but hey....he's all in my timehop and this time last year, I was excited and in love and ready to give him the gift I knew would be adored and unexpected.....so eh...

maybe its apart of the mourning process...
dates/times...things.....significant things, bring us memories....we decide what we allow those memories to do with and/or to us. I guess....
I think.'

I'm proud of the control I've had lately. I am. I'm proud that my act of cyber voyeurism gave me no feels. I'm disappointed that I did it. I didn't even try to stop it, I just did it and got it over with....

I'm human.
Shit happens....

I loved him.
I still remember him.

I forgive him tho.....
and will continue my journey, getting stronger each day....