I was gonna talk about interracial possibilities and dating
and how the evolution of me has lead me to being open to date other races,
which at one point in life, I was 100 percent AGAINST (for ME).
Instead,
I’m doing what I do in this blog.
* turns on music * Soundtrack: Irreplaceable.
I thought I made it. If you’ve been an avid reader of the
blog ( Hi Ambur !!) , then you know the ins and outs and basics of the person I
knew in 2013, who I carried the weight of (dead weight that is) all of 2014. So
I will attempt to not be redundant in what I am about to say, but this is what
is coming to me right now. I thought I made
it.
I thought if I let THIS go, I give up this person, that’s
it. There is no one else. All the prize is right here in front of me, so how could we NOT be fit for each other?
How could there possibly be someone else I’m supposed to be with, when right
here in front of me is what I deem a KING? Didn’t he think the same about me?
Or nah?
The answer: NAHPEBITCH.! Lololol.
Looking back on 2014, I see the woman who was grieving the loss
of something that she never really HAD and I realize all he was, was dick and
bubblegum. Something to chew on while
time passed slowly. When Queen passed, I considered running to him and asking
him to help me. I STRONGLY considered calling him and asking him to come hold
me, even if just for that night, because I wasn’t able to be saddened by the
bombing of us and the loss of my friend. It was too powerful and well past
overwhelming. It was detrimental. I never made that call.
But I wanted to. I considered it. I told no one how bad I wanted
him over there with me helping me get beyond what I was experiencing. So I did
them both….together. I grieved him – and I grieved my sisterfriend. This I have
all said before. Today, as I tickle the
fancy of hindsight, its crystal clear that I thought he was irreplaceable. Not
because I loved him but because ‘wow I finally got someone about something…what
are the odds I can get it again????’
Yeah.
It’s not that my self esteem was low. That is NOT always the
case, with everything. I just was
determined that it was him. I claimed him before I claimed me. The hugs, the
dopamine, the kisses, the way we stared – all of this combined and made me
think it was IMPOSSIBLE to receive THIS TYPE of energy from another man when I had
spent so many years trying to get this feeling only to be bombarded with lower
cut versions of it fresh from the great value aisle of love. …only, if I were
being honest with myself that entire time instead of avoiding myself and my
consciousness, I would have admitted that not only was I bathing in the
ape-dust of another lower cut version of love, but I was pussy deep in the
great value aisle.
Ouch.
So when it was over,
Releasing those energies,
Releasing the resentment, the anger, the how could you’s…….was
tough. It was stalled. It would pick up and go and then it would run out of
steam quickly and before I knew it a meme was sounding exactly like my life …
I spent an hour one day going through IG at all the pics he
had been tagged on. I was never a factor in his life. He was over me before he
met me. I will NEVER know why or understand why he allowed himself to toy with
me the way he did. But this is 2015.
He didn’t come with me.
The lessons did. The blog continues, partly because if you
are a frequent visitor, then you know this blog is not all about that lesser
grade of an individual. Yeah, I said that with healing on my hands. I am not
100%, never claimed to be but I do support that I am at least 90. It’s like
crossing into the new year did something to me…..
Reading and trolling my timehop and seeing what I was saying
this time last year has been funny and hard to relive because I am saying
completely different things this year and it took so much to get there….. one
of them was hilariously hurtful: “I feel like I’m paying MORE for a LESSER
grade”
…..yikes.
it took so many slips and fumbles and dropped passes and
broken crown tips before I could tip toe my ass out the door and be OK with
being OK without this NiGGA that did not WANT me. But that morning of 2015, when I woke up,
Remembering being prepared to leave the house I had spent
the last nearly 7 years in….and remembering
what new years day did to me for 2014. Losing my gifted Love Stone at his
house. Breaking down about it at my house and then within 10 mins of drying my
eyes, I turn on my computer and BOOM. The bottom falls out.
I’ll never forget that. I snapped and told him I was sending
best wishes. …he basically said ‘ok’. LMAO.
THAT killed me.
And I spent from 1/2/14 until 12/31/15 shaking it off me. It
kept growing back like a herpes. That MF was a herpes sore on my heart…..he was
an open sore that was prone to reinfection ……I couldn’t do anything but live
THROUGH the itches ….
So when I woke up on 1/1/15, with 22 days left to be 35, I
felt like he wasn’t there. But not just that: this time, I felt like the WOUND
wasn’t there. I didn’t feel that heartburn that I woke up with all the time and
it didn’t just disappear on New Years Day….nah, it had BEEN disappearing but I had
gotten so used to HATING him and wanting him eradicated (I did….i wanted him
gone from earth…not dead so to speak but I just didn’t want to share Earth or
at least America with him), that I had ignored the healing that was happening
underneath the hurt that was barely as thick as a single thread.
I had been healing. I started healing from the day of ONLY THE
BRAVE forward. IT was still too raw to have been fully healed on 2/7/14, but
that was when I started. Yet, I hung on
to the disappointment and the bruises. I felt like an idiot for much of 2014. I
did NOT want to carry it into another year. It literally was an entire YEAR. But part of that was because I wouldn’t sit
the bags down. I carried them.
Even when I found a space to sit them and leave them, I carried
them. I would open and unload them, tossing pictures in the fire, getting rid
of reminders and deleting stuff from my fb page, but as I would close the
luggage, just like when you are spring cleaning, I added a couple of things
back to it, wrapped my hands around it and would start walking again. I would
say, hmm, I’m not ready to not be mad
about them filler flowers I bought another woman. ….i wanna be mad a lil bit
longer. And I was. And I did that with A LOT of stuff……What was supposed to be
me ‘picking up my mat and walking’ was me picking up my baggage and mourning.
But not on 1/1/15.
I woke up that day and couldn’t find the luggage. God must
have stolen it during my slumber party of one.
Soundtrack changed:
Fool of Me. My playlist for this blog is
the 40ThousandFeetInTheAir #PhuckOff playlist I have on Spotify, that I made
shortly after the ship sank.
I made a fool of myself.
He made a fool of me in 2013. I made a fool of me in 2014. “does
she want you with the pain I do? I smell you in my dreams”
I quoted that line so many times in 2014…..
And today I listen to it, with my earphones in mind you, and
feel NOTHING. Like NOTHING. Like I finally
fucking feel like OMG, I’ve moved on….mentally and physically. My heart has
moved on and repaired itself while I wasn’t watching.
My brain has made the ultimate connection of my internal
beautiful……I know who I am – nah, I REMEMBERED who I was when I allowed myself
to flirt my way into his dickspace. One
day, late last quarter, I was walking around the house and I saw where I lived,
how I lived and what all was mine…..i don’t have a mansion or a benz, I stay in
the hood and I’m messy a lot…..but I stay by myself and have since I was 19, my
house is the shit. THEEND. Even my mom
loves it and wants to buy it from under my landlord. Ma’am. O.o
Lolz.
But more than that, I am so accomplished in life….and I don’t
mean as an artist or writer, I mean as a woman. I am a little bit of everything
mixed up in this 5’5 frame of awesome. I have been a stripper and lived to tell
stories and work corporate again. I had a 401K to borrow from and did it to
save myself last year when I started drowning in poor decisions…..imagine if
that was 2013…. What if I gave that dickassnigga some of my 401K ? Shrewwwww….i
probably WOULD have set his house on
fire or at least handled some of the threats I issued online to rearrange his
life, his face and his girl’s future. -_-
#IWentCrazy….shrugs. #DickWillMakeYouSlapSOmebodyInTheFae
** Yellow diamonds in the light…………..”
I found love in a hopeless place with a person who would
teach me more about loving me in 9 months than I had learned and written over
the last ten years. He showed me some shit. ….but you know that much by now ……and
when the time FINALLY came that I woke up and realized I was NOT sleeping,
standing, performing or living in THE RUINS anymore, was the day I left the
hopeless place and started jumping through valleys and hills with my high heels
on and a blunt. Damn, 1/1/15 was the
best feeling I woke up with since I first fell for him…not because of him, but
because of me…..i felt that weight GONE….i mean that.
I mean I feel like I wear a size 8 now (welp, tried that at the sto’, didn’t work. Still a 12)…..i
woke up and believed again, that companionship is possible, For ME ! !!!!
* Perfectly Lonely starts playing by John Mayer *
I made my vision board and took note from one of Carrie
Bradshaw’s besties: She got so tired of playing and being bullshitted but one
day she just claimed her mile marker.
That episode: I’M GETTING MARRIED THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those were her words. And she did. Of course this is fiction, and I’m black and have
never really been Carrie B, but –
- ….i claimed it. Not that I’m getting married.
I claimed my rights to BE LOVED again. Correctly next time.
No rush, no fuss, I just know, as I told my bro Earl last night, that I am too
fucking awesome for someone not to want me. They will….in due time, I will be
side by side with my King. In the mean
time, I’m perfectly lonely, cause I don’t belong to anyone and nobody belongs
to me…..as J.Mayer stated.
And guess what,
The next person will be greater, better and he will not be
such a fearful yittle coward with his dick hairs tucked between his lips that
he can’t speak truth. OUCH. Wait –
LOLOLOLOL *Shrug
* I SAID 90% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)
I don’t want another #MuseWeasel
I don’t want to hear his name spoken over me as I work and
not be able to tell the ppl that’s my boo…..i don’t want to find out that he
doesn’t love, care about or even respect me from his girlfriend’s page….i don’t
want to troll…I want to trust. I will again.
I believe again.
And in believing, I have freed myself from the empty tank of
dgas that is sure to shock your system when your engine notes say UNLEADED
ONLY.
Yes Love,
Replacing you is something I thought I couldn’t do because who
am I but a woman with words and two dogs? Who am I but damaged goods? Where am I
but in a constant dream state that has NY written all over it???? I thought it
to be impossible that someone would SEE me…..so I was intent on uncovering his skittle-colored glasses. …..
But guess what,
Its not that deep anymore……it doesn’t matter anymore. Their
love is something worthy of respect….even tho
I stand by the fact that he used me as crash test dummy, I forgive it
and I respect it when two ppl who are DESTINED, find their destiny.
As for me,
….. * changes soundtrack backwards………….Irreplaceable comes
on*
“If I bought it, nigga, please don’t touch”
I bought him….he was defective. I thought he was
irreplaceable. He thought I was a just a fuck. He must not know about me, but
he does now. And the best part is replacing HIM is SO easy….much easier than I thought
it to be in 2014. Cheers#toTheLeftHandLeftHand.
May my future Tunnel Vision be crystal clear. #Spirit OF
#Discernment
* turns on Tunnel Vision for the FIRST TIME SINCE THEN. Yup, I’ve taken ALL my music back too ;) * Today's pic:
Healing is so fucking BAWESY. And it IS a chilling prospect....isn't it. :)
