4th Quarter: What A Time To Be AFly

"I'm in over my head
i don't think of you
in bits and pieces
i think of you only
like a miracle
loving so deeply
i feel it through all my past lives
it feels good
I'm never saying goodbye"
~Over My Head, Alabama Shakes

2015 has come and gone. I remember starting the year off with my sister...we were laughing and doing grown up things and dancing, singing and taking selfies!! I don't remember if we watched the ball drop or not. The rest of the year was set by that tone: Live, Love, Laugh. Stay in Great Company. Dance.

"Loving so deeply,
I'm in over my head"

I went everywhere. I did everything. I met new people and ate a fruit breakfast in the mountains. I flew to California for the first time and drove a drop top Mazda thru San Francisco streets while my long twists blew in the wind. I wrote love in the sand at the beach. I zipped and soared thru my artistic life with new climbs up my personal ladder. I exhaled more than I can recall. I partied hard and fun and fell asleep on loved ones. I loved my dogs more and my job less. I followed the steps towards God more fluently. And then one night, I found myself praying for something I hardly ever prayed for. I was driving up Emerson when the conversation with God turned to my loneliness. I remember it being a prayer of thankfulness. I was on my way to a show and thanked God for yet another opportunity and a beautiful year in general. I needed it. But I was still missing something...something that I hated that I missed. That I still felt the weight of it's absence made me sick. I turned to God in a natural sense. It wasn't contrived. It was necessary. I prayed for love. I remember hearing someone speak on being specific in prayer and I began to list qualities and attributes of the soul that I wanted in this love. I asked God to send me love. I thought I said I wasn't in a rush, but that I felt it was time I tried reaching out to Him and seeing if there was a possibly for me to find someone. Not just anyone.....
No more anyones....

I have a blog full of anyones that I'm trying to turn profit. Lol. I needed that one.

It was the next day that a conversation long overdue began.

Blogtrack:
"It's taken me a little while to bounce back
I've been falling from something good
and people say I took a little too long
Ooh, I did
yeah
oh baby, oh
Til you came along and you saved me
You saved me
with that  good love."
~You Saved Me, Gary Clark Jr.

There are four quarters in a year. So far, I had spun heads in my favor for each quarter starting in spring.I dubbed the fall "#TheGreatFallUP2015, and how prophetic that title would go on  to be ........

......

Writing this blog is hard. This space isn't for me to tell all about my year; this is a very particular blog and I would like to keep it that way, so the portion of my year that is blog-able for this space is peculiar to write about due to the fact that I don't want to say too much or give too much away or expose too much ....this is my reality. This is my life. And it's currently happening....this isn't the past tense anymore.....so I have to be selective on what I share out of protection, privacy and for the health of my relationship. But I have to share this part of my year with you, as you have been on this up and down journey with me and when I tell you my prayers were answered, I mean it. I believe it. I feel it in the most strange parts of my system. It halted me in my writing. It shied me from poetry - fearful to use him as  muse because I didn't want to put my hands in the put of stirring the magic. I needed what I prayed for: Natural Magic. This beautiful man came into my world and did something no one else had ever done: he made me pause. EVERYTHING took a break. I spent the last quarter on a spin and have been spinning around my own axis every since.

"From the first moment I knew,
I wanted this forever"
~Down to Ride, Gary Clark Jr

I have seen NYC out of hundreds of blinks and eye theories...I shared it with Queen, Too Black, Z Baby and Styxx...I have walked solo and talked to strangers. I have seen it and felt the sun on my shoulders with sunglasses as protection. I've laid on the waters of the Hudson with only a simple ship as my barrier...I have loved every step of NYC traveling, both by car and bus and plane as well....I have experienced it in many ways.....but never as a couple. When he told me yes to NY, and then went through with it, I knew. I KNEW IT.

"I got a girl who's down to ride with me
damn she looks good on that passenger side
with me
no more time to waste
thinking of the past
adjust that rearview
got my foot on the gas,
i got a girl who's down to ride
with me"

I KNEW IT....the moment I slid his periwinkle blue car out of the Holland Tunnel, I knew for a fact  that he was my husband to be. So now you know. No, I'm not engaged. But I'm involved in a grown up relationship....we are dating ON purpose and with one. He talks to God about me, in front of me and without me around. He talks to his parents about me. We talk to each other about the future. There are no questions. There is no wonder. We communicate like big grown ups. It's not perfect...but how could it be...jY is involved, lol. He knows and talks to my friends. As a matter a fact, every person close to me has met him and basically developed a natural relationship with him, either in passing respect associate style or true friendship. Everyone likes him, including my mom, Gmom and me.

"....baby I'm gon always be around
cause we're in this together
So when you feel alone
just know I got you
when you're feeling lost baby just know that I got you
My love
My love ......"

We were 35 floors up. The windows to our small room looked towards Times Square and the East River. Buildings were everything. It felt like we were flying. We both worked that Friday all day. I got off work, went to a dinner for Nikki  Giovanni and he got off and got a haircut. We never stopped moving. Our day started at 7am....when dinner was over, he met me at my house and we hit the highway to NYC. Our day didn't end until the first time we slept late Saturday night. By Saturday morning, our NYC date began at 830 am, Brooklyn, USA.

He has made it hard to keep him a secret. Or maybe not so much secret, but it's hard to not post a lot of pictures and say things.I do a semi good job of not saying anything but my love of pictures makes it even more difficult to keep him in the background. I do try not to overdue it. But it's new. It's fresh. We're youthful in our love. He respects me and I feel it. He's my biggest fan, as he says and as I feel. He shows up to my shows....without prodding. It's so effortless. He compliments me and gets involved. I can tell he's not in the crowd thinking of other things. He's listening....he watches...he gives me the space to be me, without pause and appears to love that about me. He is supportive and God fearing and I enjoy my time with him. I enjoy having met someone who loves me to a point that I can feel it...

I can feel his love for me.

"I"m yours right now"
~Alice Smith



via GIPHY
As I look back over the years, not just 2015, I feel bad assery. It's no wonder I have so many capes !!! How could I not?? I am a freaking superwoman !!! I survived and it's not on my own...trust me, I KNOW GOD has saved me and kept me....I know I"m favored...but I survived so much man. And in the realm of love, goodness......I've gone from a space heater for Christmas and a tape dispenser for my birthday to inadvertently buying another woman flowers for New Years to loneliness to a man drove me to New York for a date.To really know me, is to know how much this meant to me. The year was winding down, it had begun to seem that for the first time in years, I wouldn't be going to NY for my annual trip. And then suddenly, there was us. We left Sunday after checkout.

I do love him.

I have never experienced a year like this one or a relationship like this, but what a way to turn the last quarter over. I met someone who has made it ok to trust myself. He has shown me that my love, in all it's flaws and intensity, is enough and is beautiful. He loves what i love, including me.  I see God in his beautiful eyes and sometimes, I stare in them until he's uncomfortable. I love his parents. I FEEL so connected. All this time, we have been right in each others faces and not knowing that destiny would lead us into each others hearts. I only wish I could type out just how connected and how ordained this truly is but please, trust me when I say the man I am with is no accident. And I'm 100% positive about him, about us and about the future of this Harlem Renn themed wedding.

Did i say that?
No, I'm not engaged. Also, I"m not jumping into anything crazy. I'm not desperate.

I'm actually, for the whole year of 2015 and moving into 2016 hopped up on it, listening to God.

What a time to be a Fly(ing).

"Every 4th quarter, I like to Mike Jordan em"
~JayZ



via GIPHY

-januarie

The Liebster Award !!!

Good day all !!!!

I have some of exciting news that I have been sitting on.

Background info:

The Liebster Award was created for bloggers, by bloggers. It provides the opportunity for bloggers and readers to connect and discover other blogs.

Well guess what!!!!???
I was blessed to be nominated for the Liebster Award by Laura Wize of Oh Wize One !!!

 This is huge for A.M(use.D.) for so many reasons !!!!

Big thank you, hugs and kisses to you Laura !!!!!  * muah *


via GIPHY


via GIPHY


Questions from Laura/Oh Wize One

How would you define your style?
I think my style is a little bit of everything. Let's call it gumbo fashion. Lol ! Sometimes I"m chic and classy with a Olivia Pope twist and other times I'm toned down and bohemian. Heels are often my starting point, but I started to add some tomboyish flair with them, so to say I mix things up is an understatement. I LOVE dresses; rinse and repeat: I LOVE DRESSES. I like to dress them up and down, add shirts and quirky patterns. I'm an artist so I use that as a right of passage to wear and try whatever I want and get away with it! S/O to tutus!!! 

Who are your style icons?
I have two separate answers for this. First, my style icons would have to be Solange Knowles, who can almost do no wrong to me, Tina Turner, who oozes confidence, originality and a sensual yet brilliant sense of woman and also Lupita Nyong'o, Sarah Jessica Parker and Marilyn Monroe. Part two to this question would pertain to eras: My iconic eras of fashion would be the Harlem Renaissance and Vintage/30s, 50s, 60s& 70s as well as the 'Motown Era'/Mod era.

What is a social issue that you are passionate about?
Women and Black Lives. I am extremely passionate about the emotional wellness of women and  I seek to inspire and empower them with just about everything that I do. Women's voices are and have always been constantly suppressed as though we are dangerous fires in need of extinguishing. Our bodies are treated as though they are a male ego's playground for sex and fist fights over rights and it is my engrossed in every fiber of me to make sure we as women use our voices, control our bodies the way we see fit and to never stop fighting for each other. I seek to bring us closer together as women. As a black woman, I fight this fight for women of all races but especially and intently my fellow black sisters. I am unashamed to say it is WE first in my fight. Also the lives of black people are being plucked off right in front of us by the puppet strings of racism. Holding the names of Renisha McBride, Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin and the 1000s of other names as well as newly added ones (every 28 hours) up and out and not letting them die in vain is also a passion of mine, although at times too overwhelming for me to even speak of. 

What is your favorite style trend this season?
Capes ! OMG I love capes! I have few couple of different cape pieces in my closets. I think when done right, they have this business elegance that speaks of  snooty shoulder rubs and high end high heels with insurance. Lol ! Seriously, I love the Hollywood glam vibe that capes bring to the upper body.

What is your go-to date night look?
I'm a huge dress fan. I love dresses as much as I love capes!!! My go to look is a cute form fitting dress (but not too short. .I like dresses that come to my calves. I want to look like his date, not his paid accessory), a pair of simple heels and a cute blazer to compliment the heels.
 
What was it that made you want to start blogging?
I was intrigued with blogging from it's inception. I remember looking up the definition of blogging because I wanted to know if it was really a situation where I could say whatever I wanted to say, however I wanted to say it. I started my first blog in 2004. Writing is simply my passion so whatever ways I find to create word art, I easily fall in love with. Over the years, I've ran several different blogs. My goal is to turn A.M(use.D.) into a best selling book. But the passion of blogging will always be within me. I am drawn to the fact that writing is no longer an exclusive club; now all who enjoy the gift of writing can now create their own hub.

What is one of your goals as a blogger?
To speak my truth in such a way that it inspires my readers to be unafraid of speaking theirs. I started A.M(use.D.) in particular as a way of healing from a lot of past hurts. Speaking truth isn't just about telling my story or telling on other people (the names have been changed); speaking truth is about getting to the next level of your life so however that speak needs to come (i.e. blog, music, painting, dance, etc...), let it out. I hope in confronting who I am in front of the eyes of others, it will empower and push others to do the same. And to also know they are not alone. This life can feel so lonely...until you find out someone else experienced it too.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your closet?
 My new cape dress (how predictable)!!!! It's long (ankle length), black, very chic and the cape is as long as the dress. It has a very elegant look that exudes power, eroticism and love. It needs very little accessorizing as it speaks for itself. I have yet to wear it but I cannot wait !!!!!!!!

What is your favorite social media site/app?
Instagram is my favorite and the only social media app I have on my phone! I am a huge photography fan and in another life, I'm sure I was a photographer. Naturally IG appeals to me! I love how filters change a picture and I love viewing how others, celebrities included, view the world and the way we love!!!!!!

Which blogger do you admire the most?
One of my all time favorite bloggers is Awesomely Luvvie !
A few other favorites are Jadore-Fashion,
The Girl Who Ate Everything
of course there's Oh Wize One. I am nominating Deva Logan of Harmonylux Lifestyle

Questions:

1.  How did you get started with blogging?
2.  What inspires you?
3.  What do you do when you experience lack of motivation/writer's block/other roadblocks?
4.  Where do you draw your sense of fashion from? 
5. When did you get comfortable with yourself?
6.  Do you think that bloggers get less respect than column writers and/or journalists?
7.  What is your responsibility as a writer?
8.  What is the future of your blog?
9.  What brings you peace of mind?
10.  How does fashion inspire you?
11.  How do you see the future of blogs evolving ?

The Rules:

1.  Post your award to your blog.
2. Answer the questions that you were given from the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate a few new bloggers you've discovered. 
4. Create 11 new questions for the nominees. 
5. Thank the blogger who nominated you and post a link to their blog. 

A.M(use.D.) - The Name That Says It ALL.

I got besides myself yesterday. I spent nearly two hours trying to format my blog correctly. I'm not sure what the problem was, as I did nothing I haven't done before (write in a Word doc then copy/paste to transfer). Yesterday blogger decided to highlight all my words and it was just ugly. It was ugly on the blog, ugly on the eyes....it was bad.

After some googling and youtube tutorials, I had to go into the html and search for specific background colors and delete them. I did that and it changed the color of the font and would not change it back to white. It was such a stressful time that I completely forgot to include this bit of information that brings me to next-day-blogging. It's probably better this way because this is can stand alone as it's own whole blog, and it may answer some unasked questions from anyone recently joining the world of #AMuseD.

A couple of days ago, one of my avid  readers asked me if I had blogged at all about the meaning of the title, #AMuseD. I let her know that I may have alluded to it in a blog or two, but there was nothing where I actually detailed what brought me to this particular name and breakdown of spelling, but that I would try to include it in the blog that was about be released. As I stated earlier, my mind ended up focused on something completely different and that information didn't make it in the most recent post, but here I am ready to divulge the great secrets of #AMuseD!!! : )

So, where to begin??? First, let's go back to some of the old flyers:

This was the first official 'flyer' I created for the blog. It took a lot of playing around with the word itself and the letters to get the exact spelling for it. I remember thinking of how 'amused' I was (sarcastically of course) at the idea of #MuseWeasel. What started off an idea to do a self-inflicted exorcism of emotions started to seem like a good writing opportunity the more the days passed. As I started to think of the friend that used to tell me that my life was a book that needed to be written, I toggled w/the idea of creating this blog based on my past relationships, situations, incidents and occurences where love is involved. The more I thought, the more (sarcastically) amused I became. 

First came the status'. Once the word AMUSED hit my pyche, I couldn't  get rid of it. I would add it to pictures, hashtags, I would leave it out of sentences that were clearly pointing to the word itself. I couldn't shake it, even prior to the realization that it was title-worthy.

June 6, 2013 via Instagram:
Caption "less than ...."

The caption was a lead towards AMUSED. By then, I was starting to feel more than my fair share of amused. By that August 1, I added it to a 'feeling'. The status said "There is so much I want to say but no point, purpose or fulfillment from saying it * shrug * Feeling amused. *smiley face* " 

August 12, 2013: "Hmmm...er'time I end up on this particular 'newsfeed view', I always palm my face and say 'why kennie...just why in the eff did you switch to this view?" Smdh. FB puts all your business out there...better not watch no porn. ...FB will tell on you. ...in the five minutes I switched to this (for a particular reason not associated w/trolling), I have learned every single move everyone of you 34 people has made sicnce 5am........"  <

By October 22, this was posted:

Picture caption: "To become someone's MUSE is not a lightweight event. At least not for me. I'm not amused enough to find a MUSE anywhere. #ImNotJustAnybody"

But I wasn't done with him. At this point, I had started to play with the word itself. I saw it broken up and apart and still stnading alone as a whole statement. I remember when I broke the word up in three pieces and saw the "D" was at the end (the letter his name started with), I thought I was on to something great. I wanted to do something with that title. Maybe write a small chapbook of poems? After all, I had written many about him. He had literally been my Muse for months. And his name started w/a D. It was all in the cards. #AMuseD was born. I decided to make a chapbook. I DECIDED to stay where I wasn't wanted. 

November 7, 2013: thought I saw New York inside of one of those dimples. Guess that's why I keep trying to live in that smile. #AMUSED 

It was official. I hashtagged it and liked the look of it. I was still living in a scenario I cooked up on page. I was in my head, in love with a King. But outside of my head where reality lived, I was playing w/a Jester and the balls on his hat. And then three status' later, the bottom falls out and the road changed: 

January 20, 2014- When they've finished exploring their whoredom across twitter, IG, and facebook, they instantly turn to Kik. It's called "Starting over for Cyberdummies"

I was turning 35 in three days. And my spirits had been crushed like  can of orange pop. Just over a month later, Queen passed. My system went into full shock of the year's events that happened up until March 1. By the end of March, I had somewhat made a decision. I decided to keep this cool title I had, spin it up a bit and change the flow of the chapbook. my intent was to write it in deamn near record-breaking two days and submit it. That was too hard tho.

FB: They say the true test is how SILENT you remain. 
LOL. 
I'll let "AMuseD' (the unrequited love-gone-postal-story you been waiting to be inspired by) be the judge of that. #NewChapbook #SubmittingIntwoDays

But by April, I realized that was doing too much. I realized a chapbook could not tell the story I needed to tell, especially if I was telling it in two days. At some point, I made the switch to just start blogging it. And to call the blog the chapbook title. 

By April 30th, I had firgured it all out. 

A.Muse.D. - often spelled A.M(use.D.) 

Taken from the word AMUSED, the title has four parts in one word: 

- A Muse - To have a muse. To have been mused. To use a muse to elevate.

-Amused - To simply be amused. To be entertained, albeit sarcastically in this blog, but at the very least, to be given a chuckle.

-USED - To get used. To be taken for a ride....to give and divy parts of yourself/your life up to one person who intends to give NOTHING in return. 

-D - It just so happens that I've dated or kicked it w/several people who's names started w/D. It seemed befitting. 

All were things I had been. I had been amused. I had been used. I had been taken over by my Muse. 

And on April 30, 2014, I wrote: 

I started something new....

i just have to be 100% sure i'm game to do this. This is all the way.....
its up.
its ready.
All it needs is for me to share its location. * thinking *
If you can see this, you have been invited to read along. Not for 'sharing' purposes but because I was moved to feel like YOU could get something from what you read.....Lots of transparency, probably the MOST I've ever been, and a lot of stuff that will make you gasp at them and ME !!!! But I know in my heart I have a true story to tell that will HELP someone...i know that. I've always known and thought these things didn't just happen just to be 'happening.' But how to share w/shitting on other people and while taking accountability but not EXCUSING the actions of others ????
I think i figured it out.
Question remains tho: Am I ready to let you see it ? * giggle *
#AMuseD #TheBlogSeries

 

To say I was scared is a bit of an understatement. But then, the universe kept spinning shawty my way. 

May 14: ....and then this popped up:

"Truth cannot be concealed. Truth is 'that which is.' It is specific energy in the universe. It literally begs to be revealed, especially when hypocrisy and deceit - distorted statements of 'that which is' - moves towards domination." - Dr. Francis Cress Welsing

By way of Atiya Mariese

‪#‎AMuseD‬ ‪#‎TheBlogSeries‬ ‪#‎AreYOUreading‬ ??? **cover me, I'm going in **

May 20: 

Something I saw in my feed that resonated:

"People will say you're "messy" or "petty" for calling someone out on their shit, but their opinions are invalid because they can't call you the one thing that they wish they could: A LIAR."

~ Renee BeautifulStruggle Parlez

‪#‎TheEnd‬ ‪#‎TuneIntoTheBlog‬ ‪#‎AMuseD‬

I did flyers for it every week. 

And there is it. 

That's how AMuseD got birthed and what A.M(use.D.) means. Thanks to the FB activity search feature, I was able to do this step by step !!!! It's been pretty inspiring going back to the beginning. I thank you for continuing on this journey with me !!! It continues from here and I'm very glad to be back !!! I can't wait to see this blog continue to grow and eventually land itself all kinds of awards and best seller nods! Today, #AMuseD received it's first nomination from fellow blogger and follower, Laura Wize (https://www.facebook.com/ohwizeone/) for "The Liebster Award". Stay tuned for tomorrow's post for to learn more (yes there will be a post tomorrow as well)! April 30, 2015 marked the ONE YEAR Blog'versary of #AMuseD!!!!!! Thank you to everyone who has been around since day one and the newcomers as well. You all have made this possible to BE and to HEAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

~j 

"..Not Found Clinging to the Surfaces of Teaspoons, Pt II of II

I want you so bad

I’ll go back on the things I believe

There I just said it

I’m scared you’ll forget about me”

~Edge of Desire, John Mayer

I’ve blogged to this song but today is less a somber blog and more of a declaration. I hope this blog reaches my readers right in the thick of your hand held mirrors. I hope this reminds you. Remembers you. Speaks to and for you. I hope this is the blog that you read and say to yourself ‘you know what…she’s fucking right!!!”

Last week’s comeback blog was all about a particular line from “Being MaryJane’’, what that line means to me and what changes have occurred in my life since the last time I blogged. I had so much more to say than what I did so I decided to make this a two part blog and so here I am w/part deux! 

“You deserve more than just an I Love You”

Words spoken from the lips of Mary Jane’s brother as and MJ had a back and forth about love and all its trials and situations. Of course that line jolted me from where I stood. How could it not? That is the thing we ALL need to hear as women. Unless we were taught what to look for in a mate and how to recognize the wrong ones, we all need to hear it. Hell, even if we have been given the necessary tools for relationshipping with another, we  still need to hear those words or some derivative of them:  YOU DESERVE MORE THAN JUST AN I LOVE YOU.

When I think of this John Mayer song, and how true it fit into my life from the moment I first heard it until somewhere in 2014 as #MuseWeasel was falling off of me, I realize this song, particularly the quoted lyrics, are exactly what is at the other end of the statement Mary Jane’s brother spoke. When all you chase is the I LOVE YOU, not the action, you end up with these John Mayer songs as your way of thinking. “I want you so bad, I’ll go back on the things I believe”   -  because isn’t that what we do? Don’t we say ‘yeah he cheated but I believe him when he says he wants to do right by me?’ Don’t we give more and more chances when the lines that were crossed were the unthinkable? Ever seen a woman take a man back who had a side/break baby? Abusive (all forms of abuse)?  What about a man who ain’t holding his weight around the house or relationship? What about people we KNOW for fact (because they have provided us w/all the facts we need) are WRONG for us but we still find ourselves falling helplessly and lovingly in their arms, wearing acceptance as our crown and stifling our true beliefs about who/what our significant other should be? 

We’ve all done it. We’ve all chosen from the half off-free (yes, I mean that as in half off free, which is less than free) bin of love in hopes that just for a moment we could be at peace and share that peace with someone who has helped us get there. But if a person is wrong for you, no matter how  scared you are that they will forget you (as I have been many times) or how many beliefs you stuff backwards, they will still and forever be wrong for you. Nothing you do can change that unless your choice is to alter yourself – needs & wants – all  together.

I was so scared ….make that terrified that I would be forgotten by the original muse of this blog that all I could do was flood his inbox after the fact with questions, comments, going from zero to 100 niggarealquick, just to get a response from him. When he didn’t respond, I got even more terrified. When he did respond, I felt some awkward and uncomfortable ease; like I wasn’t forgotten when the truth is, the moment he started a relationship with another woman, I was certified forgotten. It took forever to let it go. To get over being forgotten when I tried so hard to be memorable….in a life of people who walk up to me and remember poems I did back in the early 2000s, here I was faced w/someone who didn’t remember that I was a real person and/or that I loved him. I was stuck in a spin cycle of my own creating for nearly the whole year. I could have saved myself by simply adhering to words that I wouldn’t actually be exposed to until nearly two years later: “You deserve more than a I love you”.  So what if he forgets you?

I remember the excitement I thought of at the mere hope that he would trade those words out with me. 

via GIPHY

I wanted to hear them and I wanted him to mean them, but I wanted to hear them…from his lips to mine, I wanted to expose my ears to his voice giving me what I thought I needed. He never did….when he finally mentioned love and me in the same sentence it was after the fact and he assured me that our loves were not created equal. But how could they be? I was acting in love with the hope that I would hear love in return. I didn’t seek the action. If I had of sought the action of love, I would have left him long before we got to the levees breaking because his actions were never grounded in respect for me, therefore, he could have never acted in love or given me the love I needed. ALL he could do was TELL me ‘I love you’. I would have to do the rest. He would have been another person added to the list of niggas who’s I’ve been king and queen for.

I don’t know if, had I heard this statement during, before or even right after him (or any of them), that it would have resonated the way it did when I heard it two weeks ago. Idk if the new man in my life who has yet to show me any reason to NOT believe in him has anything to do with it being an easy to understand concept. But what I know is that it’s not limited to just me or the fictional Mary Jane. It’s one of the truest statements I’ve ever heard regarding love and so here’s what I want you to know:

You (the reader), deserve more than an I love you. I love you sounds pretty. It can be ear orgasmic and beautiful for the mind (on the surface at least) but a shallow I love you that is not grounded with action-based love, respect of love languages or eagerness to learn and grow together is just three words. That’s it. It won’t go beyond that. The other person can say it until they are blue in the face and if there is no true soul-binding love being shared, all you will ever feel is what it’s like to be cut all over by letters that gathered together to form three words. This blog is just words until I act like I wrote it. I can write a blog a week for the next year and it can be full of prolific entries and ideas, but if those entries and ideas don’t make it past the blog shares and into the day to day actions of my life, then I will forever be writing this blog, making the same mistakes and LISTENING for an I Love You.

That’s the other thing I’ve learned: ‘I love you’ is heard. Someone loving you or you loving someone is felt. 

To feel is an action just like to hear is an action, but you can hear without feeling. You (the reader) deserve to feel. You deserve to see the love held for you. Fuck your ears. What if one of the senses was removed??? Love transcends ALL senses, so when you can’t hear, you can feel. When you can’t see, you can feel.  When you can’t taste it, you can feel it.

You can’t smell love; but you CAN smell bullshit.  So if you’re smelling something that you think is love, what you are actually experiencing is probably a bed of roses. Thorny flowers covered in shit to help them grow.  #LetThatSinkIn and then save yourself before you sink.

You deserve more than a nigga gassing up your emotions and leaving ALL the rest of you to drown in what you wish were true. You deserve more than questions, especially those unanswered.  You deserve more than a metaphoric collision of ears and hope. More than symbolism in word form, more than like or as, more than a poetic number somersaulting off of his lips in believable fashion –

...more than a mouth fashion statement. 

More than a subject and a predicate with no recognizable verb, more than "a lie covered in handsomely hidden tracks'', more than what he thinks will make you get them legs together in the air. More than a number dialed by accident. ...
....more than bullshit.

You deserve more than bullshit. 

via GIPHY

You deserve more than the WORDS I Love You, hanging loosely on lip threads that die away after a carmex application. You deserve more than the words I Love You that are followed by actions of Who Are You?

You deserve an i love you in the front of the church pew, science class or even the baseball diamond. You deserve ringed fingers (if that’s your thing) or at the very least a trustworthy agreement between each other. You deserve monogamy. Folks say it’s not normal but what’s not normal is bed hopping in a time where folks don’t like condoms, AIDS is running rampant and break babies are trendy. You deserve to FEEL what is spoken to you. You deserve to hold hands. Have embraces where you literally feel love exchanging bodies and forms and diving in and out of you both. You deserve to make love: not JUST sexually, but in general.  The two of you should be MAKING LOVE at every stop and go in your life. Make it beautiful. Make it simple. Make it strong. Make it guided,  grounded and understandable. Make love last. Make love eternal. Make love immortal. Make love together.

Make up – nothing. Only live in the truth and the truth is an I Love You spoken is just as whored out as the biggest Pimp’s bottom bitch. Stop accepting i love you's from the halls of fools gold mines, tucked behind broke-heart mountains. We gotta take back our hearts. We gotta take back our NEED for love. Love should never make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions, so if that's how you feel with him, then his 'I love you' isn't capable of being true.

We have to remember that we ARE love, therefore, anyone giving us a lesser version of ourselves is already striking out.

 Nina Simone said it best: "We have to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served". 

You deserve i love you in the form of action. Those three words should only be a verbal reminder of the constant energy being served.

You deserve MORE- 
- way more-

 than JUST an I Love You for your ear.

You deserve to BE LOVED, so righteously, that your soul FEELS it forever.  
via GIPHY


You deserve "love not found clinging to the surfaces of teaspoons "