Arizona

Blogtrack: Baby I'm A Star, Chrisette Michele 

""I seen it, done it, ran it, run it,

been to the bottom and I came back from it

that'll be a pain in the pit of my stomach

don't regret at thing just to keep it 100 

I been the drama and the bad news

I been the struggle and the damn blues

shed tears over silliness

seen a lot blow up, as real as it really good gets"

So….here’s the blog that was supposed to have been written but I didn’t. I regurgitated what I had said many times in prior blogs just so I could meet my deadline…somewhat. <<<Must improve on that.

The day I wrote the anniversary blog, I was on such a high of the fact that I really have made it that I don’t think I could concoct the blog I expected on that particular day. But I guess it still needed to be said. I mean, I still meant and mean all of it, it’s just that I felt like I was forcing myself to write something and I did, but it didn’t necessarily reflect what I intended for the ‘anniversary blog’ to reflect upon….so let’s try that again.

It’s been over a year now….to say I’ve ‘made it’ is another repetitive statement that can be counter-challeneged by the notion that some days, some blogs seem to reflect a woman still in an emotional turnout, not necessarily about a particular muse, but rather the idea as a whole that love alludes me. Yes, I know this.

I know me ;)

But it’s true. I have come a long way and I do feel completely different than I did when I first took to writing this blog. I have emotionally stepped forwards and backwards as well. I admit that I am all too familiar with this dance and that sometimes, out the clear blue of the night sky, one of these muses will greet me in a blurry dream that I can’t manage to remember the next day; but man can I feel the scent of them creeping thru my morning nostrils. It sucks. But I am no longer being led by dreams all day long or caught up in the tangle and web and emotional misery of the past.  I have my days like any woman does, but am I happy? Yes. I am. I am at an odd peace with being single. It’s odd because I never felt this peace before because I’ve never had to come to terms with it. I get it. I get why it’s like this and why things have had to happen the way that I have and I no longer have any regrets, INCLUDING (but not limited to) #MuseWeasel. Which is a big step and a big fuckin deal and yes, I guess I needed to say it again in that last blog. So, moving forward…..

…..i have wondered how to do this.

How can I keep recalling these memories and they NOT bring me back to a bad or negative space? How can jogging my mind and pulling these  toads from it’s riverbanks not produce a nasty energy within me?

Truth is, I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part out yet. But, I have thought some other things. As I evolve, this blog definitely should. It shouldn’t continue to reflect a woman who was only weeks ago identifying herself as bitter…..that is until she heard herself say it out loud to some other women and just hated it. I mean I HATED the way that sounded…..i knew what it meant:

It meant they broke me.

The muses.

If I was bitter, if I was so bitter that I would speak it out loud to other people, then they had won the war. They broke me. I’m not a bitter woman. Life, death and crazy things in between have happened to me, but bitter is a trait I never managed to pick up and carry forward. So I mentally abandoned it after that…I figured whatever it took to implant that notion in my head hard enough to make claim it as ME, it would only take the same sense of urgency to get rid of it. So I did. I haven’t said it since then and I don’t claim to be.

….now about this blog…and moving forward.

I’m going to allow #AMuseD to grow and mold and morph right along with me. I’m not going to stop anything from being posted but I’m not going to set out to be moody or negative. Which was the initial point. I didn’t create this so that I could talk about  flowers on ‘good’ days…nah.

I came to vent dammit.

And I still will. I will still recall the best stories that I think might resonate with someone who may be reading, but I will definitely open the sides of this spectrum to be shown. I will add some color to this blog …and if you’ve been around long enough and read the blog about #MuseHotRod, then you know there are some more than humorous moments in my dating life that deserve to be documented for sheer laughter’s sake. So I will bring that as well…..

But I will still reflect the same woman who is growing. The woman who is coming more and more into her own…I think sometimes, the devil has me tell myself that no one was meant for me…..that I am going to live my life alone because why wouldn’t I ? And much like the ‘bitter’ claim, I start saying it and allowing myself to believe it and then I start getting mad because it’s simply not fucking fair!!!! I know I’ve said that before, but it’s not fair that, if true, I would be created for no one. Seems like such a disservice.  I give myself permission to believe that I am not pretty enough, good enough, doing enough or undamaged enough to be able to receive someone…..but in my heart, behind the shattered and jarred pieces, lies a hint of belief. Possibly a mustard seed. I have seen God move so many mountains and seas in my life that how dare I not believe in the magic that S(H)e provides? There is possibility out there?

But here’s the thing now:

I’m seriously no longer seeking it. I’m no longer being led by it or ‘craving’ it. I do WANT it, still. I always will of course. But, I am so involved in other things and trying to get better with my walk with God and trying to really exert myself and my art to maximize my time on Earth that I simply don’t have time to be mad about a ‘man’….Shit, not having one is one less complication. Then there are those days when shit happens and I wish someone was just a phone call away to come help me. I don’t want a roommate, but someone I could call on – that would be nice sometimes. ….

He’s not there

He does not exist in my life right now and I have broken those chains that held me captive. I no longer feel like a slave to love’s directions. I am not a lost woman in her 20s or 30s trying to figure out which man will offer me a glimpse into the space between love and life….i don’t care….As much as I do care, I don’t. These niggas ain't shit yo....straight up. They approach you wrong, have ill intent, no intent, fuck-intent.....
fuck their intentions.
I don't have time for the games that these dudes play and until I am graced by the presence of an actual MAN, then wth am I even whining for? Whining cause I can't have a headache? LMAO!!
Whining cause ain't nobody dry begging or secret fucking? Whining cause my HIV test was negative in a world of men who still want to fuck w/no condom despite the AIDS rates? 
L
o 
l
 ....sure the men i loved once have either gone on to get married to the women they were meant to do that act with or they have just disapeared off into the abyss of life, but what difference does that even make? They have given me MANY reasons and ways to write. So what if no dude is trying to 'holla' at me...NOTE: I don't want to be 'holla'd at. I'm too old for that shit. I want to be approached. But so what if it ain't happening...i still step out my house as often as possible like I own the world....you know why? 
Cause i'm beautiful...i'm internally beautiful and if it doesn't radiate to anyone else, it IS their loss and I AM accepting that. I am NOT going to sit back and cry cause niggas is losing. 
NIGGAS SHOULDN"T BE WINNING.
Men win. 
Shit. 
* soapbox falls apart, music comes on* 
" don't act like you don't know the name
Ain't nuttin changed but my change, I'mma stay the same"

~Mike jones

The day will come when they start checking for me again....And i will be so solid in my foundation of not checking for them that they will have to have God's light surrounding them in order to penetrate my glow. It's not a wall. It's not a barrier. I'm not blocking myself. I'm just not impressed and I have figured out that not being impressed ain't shit to be crying about. 

Back then, they didn't want me.
I just want to live and I’m doing it. I’ll be out of here one week to the other side of the country.  Mannnn that is so exciting!!!!!!!!!

How great would it be to share it with someone!? But the fact I get to share it with someone as great as myself is even better. I can take my book and read in places I’ve never read before….and take pics I’ve never taken, see things and touch streets that have never spent a day in my life…..i am working with these beautiful young ladies on their Princess Ball coming up this Saturday …..it’s been so fulfilling for my spirit…it’s let me HELP prevent in their lives some of the things that have happened in mine because no one told me differently. ….

Yeah.

I must say I have been feeling fulfilled. Almost fearfully because how dare I have a good life? It seems so impossible…but I think what my problem has been is being so used to having bad things happen, and being so down about them for long that I have allowed negative RUN my life….negative will ALWAYS show it’s face somewhere in our lives. …It’s apart of what makes the earth spin. 

Something always has to happen to remind us of how blessed we have been in the past and if we look at it appropriately, bad will  give us a peek of how wonderful of a future we are heading into.

I want to look at life like that.

I want to find a church to go to twice a month. Got to do baby steps and I don’t know, I guess I should just ask God myself, but I think that is ok. I’ve been praying for a trustworthy spiritual group of folks around me and I believe that people have been placed right in front of my eyes since then. So I see all this sunshine all around me.

I don’t have time to be mad or hurt or dwelling somewhere in the past’s cellar. Waiting to be conjured up through the blank space in my eyes while I’m drifting off from a dream when I should be getting out of bed, smiling, praising and moving around. I just want to be loved appropriately. I’m still not ‘convinced’ so to speak that there IS someone out there waiting to meet me, but I still know that I am rather awesome woman so it SHOULD be….either way, he’ll show his face at the right time.

Or I will spend my life living. ..until it’s up.

IN the meant time, the blog will reflect the people and places of my past as it always has, but also the beauty of knowing the future is bright and the peace of growth.

Of expansion.

Of light. So I can't say for 100 what exactly that means.... I may talk about that time I went out on a date and almost fell off the treadmill because i set it at 15 mph or I may talk about #MuseRanidiee ....he was the one who's daughter I was helping to raise (she's about to be a sophmore in college now)...we spent a big chunk of life together but I do not believe he has made a guest appearance in this blog....

I might go into my problems with dating other artists....

or i might talk about what happened with the white guy....or what church I decided upon ....

I don't know.
This is going to be a best seller. So it's not a journal....it's not strategic, but I do know the intent is business oriented. So stay tuned...more will follow>....you may like the direction!

"So tonight's a celebration 

raising a toast to me being healthy " 

I feel more in love today than I ever have. And I think it’s because I am finally in space where loving me  just seems like the perfect thing to be doing. 

"I found God

on the corner of 1st & Amistad

where the west

was all but won

all alone

smokin his last cigarette

i said 'where you been'

he said 'ask anything' "