Coffee in the Morning thoughts

So …..

Yesterday at my mom’s house, she was giving me the neighborhood rundown of the ever-changing area that I grew up in and have only been gone for a year from….. In the midst of this update, she rolled around to #MuseSlevin and his wife. She told me about his wife’s new car and how HE told HER (my mom) that the wife bought her own car……she went on to say how after she thought about it, she had never seen #Slevin in anything fancy in all the years we’ve known him. I confirmed. I also didn’t care to be bothered with this part of the conversation, although it didn’t put me in a bad mood or nothing. I actually wondered if she really ever had this ‘talk’ with him and if so, “WHY” ? Why on Earth would he (not she, I know my mom….she’s just a friendly country woman so …Le shrug) talk to my mother???!!!!

She also included that the ‘wife’ talks to her sometimes and their kids come down and speak and shit …..

Where on the Earth do they do these amazing things at ? I couldn’t quite figure out if this was a figment of my mom’s imagination or what. That woman knows who I am and knows this is my mother, so why would they EVER have anything to say to each other? That just doesn’t strike me as making any sense, but I also don’t put it past possibility because my mom is friendly with the people she lives around. And they live there. IN that neighborhood. In front of my mom’s house. Across from where I lived only 16 months ago. I won’t go into the logistics of WHO #MuseSlevin is…I’m sure there is a blog that explains “US” in here somewhere. I don’t know where tho. A couple I have actually privatized but let’s just recap:

He was my childhood sweetheart for whatever that is worth. We got in a relationship as adults. It didn’t work. We tried to be friends. It didn’t work. He married someone else after trying to get me back for years. They had kids. And we all lived across the street from each other for six years. 

This description doesn’t even cover the icing of our relationship, but just troll the blog for old entries for more info…

Anyway,

My mom went on to tell me that during this alleged conversation with Mr Slevin, he confessed that he still and will always love me and that we were each other’s firsts of many things. Hmmm, that’s when I stopped believing her. I don’t know why he would say these things to my mom. He was definitely my first for a lot of stuff, but I wasn’t his……………well, hmmm…I take that back. In retrospect, I was his first of many things as well, so I guess it aligns to make sense, but why would he put these things in my mom’s ear? I don’t know if I could believe this conversation ever happened. But let’s just say it did….why?  Why not leave the memory of me alone and don’t ever talk to my mom. I would prefer that. And stop confessing things that don’t fucking matter and never will again.

As a result of this strange info, I found this nigga in my dreams last night. His facebook page had pictures of his wife and confessions of his love for her. I don’t know how I became to privy to his page…I don’t think he has one in REAL life. He’s not that type of person for social media and I doubt he ever fools around with it much, if at all. Maybe to monitor his daughters or something. Idk, I doubt it. But in my dream last night, there he was.

I woke up in a great mood today.

But I felt the need to blog……………………………………………….

Saturday night, a man that I could tell was interested in me for SOMETHING (only he knows what….all I can do is assume and in attempts to not paint every person I meet with the same brush of bullshit colors, I won’t tag him w/anything I don’t know for certain) finally mustered up the courage to ask me to go out…not on a ‘date’…he made it clear that he was not shopping for a girlfriend. Fine by me…….i met him at church and like I said, I could tell he was drawn to me….he talked to me like we KNEW each other…using people’s first names who I didn’t know. I just smiled and nodded and gave him the ‘aw yeah’ proverbials. * shrug *  He was nice looking tho, I will admit that. At first glance I thought he resembled DL Hughley and he looked to be in his Mid-late 40s or so. I didn’t ask him because I didn’t care. 

* more shrugs *

Finally, after a few meetings of same place, same time, he suggested we go somewhere, his treat, and hang out and talk. I said ok. And somewhere between OK and me stretching across my bed at the time I should have been driving to meet him, I had a change of mind. I asked myself what was MY purpose for going out? Was it because I wanted to ? Did I trust myself to make good decisions? Did I trust myself to stay true to what I truly believe and not feel roped into something I don’t want to do? Did I think I knew how to firmly plant my feet on a NO and stay that way? Was I prepared if he tried to suggest or allude to sex? A woman should be prepared for that on EVERY date with a new man. Seriously, every woman should be prepared for how to handle sexual advances with a new man because they WILL try you, sometimes just to see if you will. Not even because they want to. Well, they probably definitely and always want to, but I think that’s how some men weed out the women they couldn’t like for a lifetime. They try to fuck them and if it works, depending on how soon it is, she either becomes a ho to him or a beautiful potential Queen.

I could be wrong tho. But I have been on both sides of this equation. I’ve been the ho and the queen. The one night stand and the make him wait. I’ve had sex without emotions because there is a manly part of me that has always had the strange ability. I’ve had sex and fell in love…only to end up at this blog. Bottom line, SEX is sometimes used as a weapon for both parties….it’s a sign teller. A future killer. A moan of ecstasy that halts possibilities where they lie. #DoubleEnten

But was I prepared for that? I admit to falling victim to saying NO to sex only for it to end in SEX and I got the bad label for the bad sex I never wanted. Troll the blog. You’ll get a better understanding for what I mean.

 * shrugs again *

Did I trust that I could NOT be her? And I’m not trying to subtly declare this man wanted to get me somewhere and have sex with me. That’s not what I mean. But being mentally prepared for anything feels better than me physically stepping out into the world clueless and thinking every man wants to be talk to me about poems and shooting stars. They don’t.

I lay across my bed with my face made up, taking selfies and giggling because I finally feel grounded. I feel ok. I feel healed in some areas and healing in others, but what I don’t feel is WEAK. I don’t feel un-queen like. I don’t  feel like “ok fine, I will” because he wants to. I don’t feel like ‘ok let’s just get it over with’ ….<<< And those statements could be about anything from SEX to a DATE to a phone conversation…I just don’t feel any pressure to do anything I’m not excited to go do. Period.  And that has been a LONG time coming.  

But am I TOO defensive?

Am I thinking too much into it ?

He didn’t ask to date me.

He just asked me out. But here’s the thing and here’s where my decision came:

I’m NOT thinking too hard.

I admit to being an overthinker. That was a problem with #MuseWeasel and we talked about that but the truth was, he was such a fucking liar and a true weasel who should be honored that the dick Gods haven’t sent poison through his penis, that it wasn’t about me overthinking as much as it was about him completely avoiding and disrespecting the truth.  But I digress.

I am an overthinker tho.

But not for this. I didn’t over think this and here are the reasons why:

I have energy that I want to release in the right hands. I have a desire to be made to laugh. I want to be treated like a lady, like a Queen and like someone who is out here making moves for her life and the lives of others; not a pussy with a promise of someday I’ll be someone. I’m not a pussy. I’m not MY pussy. AT ALL. My pussy hasn’t even pushed out kids, so it’s only as good as the clear water it pisses out.

I won’t be guided, directed or ran by it.  And boy oh boy are there days when I want to have a good headknocking session of fucking. There have been a couple (really just a couple) times this year that I thought back to the sexcapades that got me to this blog. The fucking was just amazing. He ho0ked me on the dick, I won’t lie #MuseWeasel. I had dopamine skeeting out of my eyes. I was meant to love him, so I don’t know how much of that was design and how much was dick, but he had me. LOCKED. And stupid.

That.cannot.EVER happen again in my life.

So the pussy don’t lie: It’s not here for male consumption right now.

I want it to be caressed when it’s made love to in a fucking way that toggles from beast mode to beautiful with the flip of a moan. That won’t happen from someone I just met. That won’t happen from someone that has no care or love for me in his heart. And I don’t trust that a man I meet is not out to fuck me.

I have some strange type of energy that people desire to attach themselves to and I’ve read about it and heard it in church several times…..so I have to have eyes open at all times and I have to have my spirit of discernment on 10 !!!!! I can’t just give away this energy anymore or this ass. But ass is easy. I can easily not give it up because I’m not actively fucking and haven’t been in so long now that it’s more fun to NOT have sex than it would be. I fear the feeling of after-sex once I do have it again if I do.  I have had it and didn’t like the after feeling. I just felt like “Ummmm, wtf did we just fuck for????”  …I didn’t feel less of a woman or queen or anything like that. I just felt like “why did this happen? Where is the REASONING to make it make sense?” It was unconnected sex that was only as good as the slightly hurtful entry and then it was like ‘eyes open, blinks, looks at dude pumping and grinding and thinks ‘ugh, gross”.  * Shrug *   But my PERSONAL LIGHT …my LIFE ENERGY….that which sustains me. My brain, the way my eyes see things, the way I process, the sound of my laughter and my truths….i desire to NOT share that with anyone. Not unless I’m impressed by him.

Told you, this blog is honest.

I’ve done this many times and have NOTHING to show for it but a blog. I love my blog but truth is, I would prefer to be writing about dogs or something….not this shit. I don’t wish this for my life. I don’t wish to be alone, but it finally clicked one day. I don’t know when exactly or why or what I did or what prayer I spoke to have this be possible, but it hit me and hasn’t left me yet: that I’m ok like this. I don’t want to share unless he’s share WORTHY.

That goes for my body.

My kisses. My energy. My time. My eye contact and conversation. My poetry. Niggas always say ‘I’m gonna have to hear you spit something then’ after hearing that I do poetry. FOH NIGGA> I’m not here for your entertainment. Shuck on this dick jive turkey! LMAO!

My smiles. My eating habits. My tip on the table for the waitress. My common respect. My decency. My thoughts. My introversion accepting the invite. All this and more.

I don’t desire to share it. Any of it. Anymore.

It’s not over thinking. It’s not bitter. It’s not bruising. It may be self-protection but it’s not a danger. I believe that if there is someone really out there, he will have no problem breaking the ice to get to Diamond. Niggas that get quickly defeated by a resting bitch face or a decline of a first date can keep it moving. I’m not over thinking because every person I meet, I have to be ok with taking in some of their energy. I have to be ok with it turning out to be a bore. Or another mistaken identity. I have to be ok with them being awesome. With me liking them and wanting to see them again. I have to be ok with them trying to have sex with me and how I plan to respond. I have to be ok with coming from behind my walls and I have to be ok with laying the groundwork and rules appropriately so there is no mistake on who I am or how to treat me in the future. I have to be ok with noticing the signs that I don’t like. I have to be ok with being comfortable and maybe even accepting a phone call. Sounds like a lot for someone who simply asked to hang out somewhere right?

If you think so, then you’ve probably never experienced half of what I have where it comes to men. If you have and still think I am overthinking, then it’s probably the fact that you haven’t experienced MY life, the way it is. * shrug *

All of this matters in the end. Dudes, men, niggas, old heads, youngins, young tenders, beefcakes, boys, guys: They all try something.

KINGS ….kings act Royal, especially when in presence of a Queen. He need not TEST her to see if she’s a queen. He knows instantly. He could view her no other way.

I’m not declaring the person I met to not be a King. I’m just saying there was nothing about my royalness that desired to connect further with his. He’s still nice looking….

But I don’t want to share….i just want to live and be and enjoy life and if I stumble upon someone, I pray that he is that person that won’t have a single issue with pursuing me …I pray he notices instantly that I am not a child or a scorned woman. Rather, I am a woman who requires more than ‘hey baby’ to be impressed. Matter a fact, I pray that he wants to impress me because he wants me.

“These moments and vibrant hues

Word play, turns into gun play

Gun play turns into pillow talk

Pillow talk turns into sweet dreams

Sweet dreams turn into Coffee In the Morning.
I don’t wanna wake you

I just wanna watch you sleep.”

~Miguel, Coffee in the Morning

I want that. OR NOTHING ELSE. I want to connect with he who wants that. OR NOTHING ELSE.

These fly by niggas can suck dick in real life. One chance ass niggas. Niggas who if y0u don’t return their text or phone calls, you never hear from them again. They don’t try to be where you are, they don’t put forth effort or the effort they put forth was actually effort YOU created and sowed into them, and they give it one shot and dismiss it. Niggas that have no intentions on seeking you out. Niggas that have enough women that it doesn’t matter who don’t jump when they say so….because another one is around the corner. These are all fly by niggas. I don’t want them.

I’ve had them before.

Their whorish ways and exuberant lies are detrimental to the health of women everywhere. Emotional and physical…..

I’m goooood.

I’ve met a couple of those recently….they don’t put up a fight or nothing. They accept that plans didn’t work and they forget. I accept that, but I don’t need to collect another person to forget me or show me how much effort he feels like I’m NOT worth.

And I feel in my heart of hearts that the person who will NOT treat me with such disdain for my Reign will be easy to spot out and take notice of due to his actions. That much I am sure of.

And that is why I don’t feel compelled to accept ever date or offer to ‘treat me’ to a drink ….or some food. I don’t have to. I do it for myself and I don’t say that in an ‘independent woman’ type of way, I say that because it’s TRUTH! I do these things for myself more than occasionally …So it’s not exciting or impressive to have them done for me. Sure I want to be dated and treated and all that jazz, but um, idk what the problem with impressions are but I’ve been left less than impressed with most dudes.

And after all this,

All this blogging and loving and hurting and rebounding,

I just like being as is. It’s not because I have gotten ‘accustomed’ to it or used it …it’s not me trying to convince me. It’s a fact that I have thought about a lot recently, especially when I come home from work on these warm evenings and lay in the bed on chill. Sure, it would have been amazing to have someone tell me how beautiful and flawless I looked Saturday after the ball and how he was blessed to be in my presence, but that’s not what happened and yet I still felt beautiful and felt blessed to be in my own presence.

I’m not hurting for a date no more.

I still think the ‘offers’ to date me or take me out or few and far in between, but I don’t feel compelled to jump at them for sake of saying I got a boo. LOl. FUCK A BOO.  Boo hoo cry me a river…I don’t want a boo or a bae. I want a grown ass King with a throne waiting to be sat next to. Fuck the dumb shit…..

But truthfully speaking, where I am mentally: I’m 100% sure I don’t want a relationship right now. 

And I’m unapologetic about it all.

I stood the dude up. * Shrug *  I did. I know that wasn’t right or even good karma, but hey, it happened.

But I woke up content and happy that there were no bad decisions made and that I didn’t spend the night talking to someone I wanted to get away from or wasn’t vibing with. I’m just not even ready for that shit right now. I’m in such a GREAT mental space that I don’t want to ‘chance’ or risk it all crumbling because I threw myself in the man ring of fire only to come out burned.

I don’t want to chance my negative HIV/STD tests. I don’t want to coerce a man into wearing a condom. I don’t want to like someone and get let down cause he lives with his mom or dad and we too fucking old for that shit. I don’t want to get hurt, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be obligated to phone talking or texting back at a reasonable time. I don’t want any of this madness.

I just want to be on planes, kiss my dogs, love my family and friends and get closer to God.

That’s it.

It’s taken a lot to get here but I’m truly in a place I am ok with.

I can hear my mom tell me that my ex claims that he will always love me and it not upset me. I can wake up from a subconscious that plays nigga mind games while I’m sleep and not be in a bad mood all day about it. I ain’t checking no one’s IG page or playing part time detective. I ain’t dealing with lies or misunderstandings or apologies for actions that will happen again. I am not making mistakes or creating holes that I can’t fill unless I - - - 

I’m not saying no with a yes action. I’m not holding in my true thoughts. I’m not cheating or being cheated on. I’m happy.

I’m happy as a single woman who happens to be a #LegendaryBlackGirlRocking

Who would NOT want a chance to meet her and see who she is?

The answer: MANY.

The problem with that: NONE.

#IWIN

You don’t have to take people’s advice of “JUST GO AND HAVE A GOOD TIME” You don’t have to …there is nothing wrong with turning down a date or a ‘good time’ or a ‘treat on him’ if you don’t want to.

And there is nothing wrong with being SELFISH with your energy.

*Blogsong Perfectly Lonely, John Mayer*