A Chilling Prospect

I was gonna talk about interracial possibilities and dating and how the evolution of me has lead me to being open to date other races, which at one point in life, I was 100 percent AGAINST (for ME).

Instead,

I’m doing what I do in this blog.

* turns on music * Soundtrack: Irreplaceable.

I thought I made it. If you’ve been an avid reader of the blog ( Hi Ambur !!) , then you know the ins and outs and basics of the person I knew in 2013, who I carried the weight of (dead weight that is) all of 2014. So I will attempt to not be redundant in what I am about to say, but this is what is coming to me right now.  I thought I made it.

I thought if I let THIS go, I give up this person, that’s it. There is no one else. All the prize is right here in front of me,  so how could we NOT be fit for each other? How could there possibly be someone else I’m supposed to be with, when right here in front of me is what I deem a KING? Didn’t he think the same about me? Or nah?

The answer: NAHPEBITCH.! Lololol.

Looking back on 2014, I see the woman who was grieving the loss of something that she never really HAD and I realize all he was, was dick and bubblegum.  Something to chew on while time passed slowly. When Queen passed, I considered running to him and asking him to help me. I STRONGLY considered calling him and asking him to come hold me, even if just for that night, because I wasn’t able to be saddened by the bombing of us and the loss of my friend. It was too powerful and well past overwhelming. It was detrimental. I never made that call.

But I wanted to. I considered it. I told no one how bad I wanted him over there with me helping me get beyond what I was experiencing. So I did them both….together. I grieved him – and I grieved my sisterfriend. This I have all said before.  Today, as I tickle the fancy of hindsight, its crystal clear that I thought he was irreplaceable. Not because I loved him but because ‘wow I finally got someone about something…what are the odds I can get it again????’

Yeah.

It’s not that my self esteem was low. That is NOT always the case, with everything.  I just was determined that it was him. I claimed him before I claimed me. The hugs, the dopamine, the kisses, the way we stared – all of this combined and made me think it was IMPOSSIBLE to receive THIS TYPE of energy from another man when I had spent so many years trying to get this feeling only to be bombarded with lower cut versions of it fresh from the great value aisle of love. …only, if I were being honest with myself that entire time instead of avoiding myself and my consciousness, I would have admitted that not only was I bathing in the ape-dust of another lower cut version of love, but I was pussy deep in the great value aisle.

Ouch.

So when it was over,

Releasing those energies,

Releasing the resentment, the anger, the how could you’s…….was tough. It was stalled. It would pick up and go and then it would run out of steam quickly and before I knew it a meme was sounding exactly like my life …

I spent an hour one day going through IG at all the pics he had been tagged on. I was never a factor in his life. He was over me before he met me. I will NEVER know why or understand why he allowed himself to toy with me the way he did. But this is 2015.

He didn’t come with me.

The lessons did. The blog continues, partly because if you are a frequent visitor, then you know this blog is not all about that lesser grade of an individual. Yeah, I said that with healing on my hands. I am not 100%, never claimed to be but I do support that I am at least 90. It’s like crossing into the new year did something to me…..

Reading and trolling my timehop and seeing what I was saying this time last year has been funny and hard to relive because I am saying completely different things this year and it took so much to get there….. one of them was hilariously hurtful: “I feel like I’m paying MORE for a LESSER grade”

…..yikes.

it took so many slips and fumbles and dropped passes and broken crown tips before I could tip toe my ass out the door and be OK with being OK without this NiGGA that did not WANT me.   But that morning of 2015, when I woke up,

Remembering being prepared to leave the house I had spent the last nearly 7 years  in….and remembering what new years day did to me for 2014. Losing my gifted Love Stone at his house. Breaking down about it at my house and then within 10 mins of drying my eyes, I turn on my computer and BOOM. The bottom falls out.

I’ll never forget that. I snapped and told him I was sending best wishes. …he basically said ‘ok’. LMAO.  THAT killed me.

And I spent from 1/2/14 until 12/31/15 shaking it off me. It kept growing back like a herpes. That MF was a herpes sore on my heart…..he was an open sore that was prone to reinfection ……I couldn’t do anything but live THROUGH the itches ….

So when I woke up on 1/1/15, with 22 days left to be 35, I felt like he wasn’t there. But not just that: this time, I felt like the WOUND wasn’t there. I didn’t feel that heartburn that I woke up with all the time and it didn’t just disappear on New Years Day….nah, it had BEEN disappearing but I had gotten so used to HATING him and wanting him eradicated (I did….i wanted him gone from earth…not dead so to speak but I just didn’t want to share Earth or at least America with him), that I had ignored the healing that was happening underneath the hurt that was barely as thick as a single thread.

I had been healing. I started healing from the day of ONLY THE BRAVE forward. IT was still too raw to have been fully healed on 2/7/14, but that was when I started.  Yet, I hung on to the disappointment and the bruises. I felt like an idiot for much of 2014. I did NOT want to carry it into another year. It literally was an entire YEAR.  But part of that was because I wouldn’t sit the bags down. I carried them.

Even when I found a space to sit them and leave them, I carried them. I would open and unload them, tossing pictures in the fire, getting rid of reminders and deleting stuff from my fb page, but as I would close the luggage, just like when you are spring cleaning, I added a couple of things back to it, wrapped my hands around it and would start walking again. I would say, hmm, I’m  not ready to not be mad about them filler flowers I bought another woman. ….i wanna be mad a lil bit longer. And I was. And I did that with A LOT of stuff……What was supposed to be me ‘picking up my mat and walking’ was me picking up my baggage and mourning.

But  not on 1/1/15.

I woke up that day and couldn’t find the luggage. God must have stolen it during my slumber party of one.

Soundtrack changed: Fool of Me.  My playlist for this blog is the 40ThousandFeetInTheAir #PhuckOff playlist I have on Spotify, that I made shortly after the ship sank.

 

I made a fool of myself.

He made a fool of me in 2013. I made a fool of me in 2014. “does she want you with the pain I do? I smell you in my dreams”

I quoted that line so many times in 2014…..

And today I listen to it, with my earphones in mind you, and feel NOTHING.  Like NOTHING. Like I finally fucking feel like OMG, I’ve moved on….mentally and physically. My heart has moved on and repaired itself while I wasn’t watching.

My brain has made the ultimate connection of my internal beautiful……I know who I am – nah, I REMEMBERED who I was when I allowed myself to flirt my way into his dickspace.  One day, late last quarter, I was walking around the house and I saw where I lived, how I lived and what all was mine…..i don’t have a mansion or a benz, I stay in the hood and I’m messy a lot…..but I stay by myself and have since I was 19, my house is the shit. THEEND.  Even my mom loves it and wants to buy it from under my landlord. Ma’am. O.o

Lolz.

But more than that, I am so accomplished in life….and I don’t mean as an artist or writer, I mean as a woman. I am a little bit of everything mixed up in this 5’5 frame of awesome. I have been a stripper and lived to tell stories and work corporate again. I had a 401K to borrow from and did it to save myself last year when I started drowning in poor decisions…..imagine if that was 2013…. What if I gave that dickassnigga some of my 401K ? Shrewwwww….i probably WOULD  have set his house on fire or at least handled some of the threats I issued online to rearrange his life, his face and his girl’s future. -_-  #IWentCrazy….shrugs. #DickWillMakeYouSlapSOmebodyInTheFae

** Yellow diamonds in the light…………..”

I found love in a hopeless place with a person who would teach me more about loving me in 9 months than I had learned and written over the last ten years. He showed me some shit. ….but you know that much by now ……and when the time FINALLY came that I woke up and realized I was NOT sleeping, standing, performing or living in THE RUINS anymore, was the day I left the hopeless place and started jumping through valleys and hills with my high heels on and a blunt.  Damn, 1/1/15 was the best feeling I woke up with since I first fell for him…not because of him, but because of me…..i felt that weight GONE….i mean that.

I mean I feel like I wear a size 8 now (welp, tried  that at the sto’, didn’t work. Still a 12)…..i woke up and believed again, that companionship is possible, For ME ! !!!! 

* Perfectly Lonely starts playing by John Mayer *

I made my vision board and took note from one of Carrie Bradshaw’s besties: She got so tired of playing and being bullshitted but one day she just claimed her mile marker.  That episode: I’M GETTING MARRIED THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Those were her words. And she did.  Of course this is fiction, and I’m black and have never really been Carrie B, but –

- ….i claimed it. Not that I’m getting married.

I claimed my rights to BE LOVED again. Correctly next time. No rush, no fuss, I just know, as I told my bro Earl last night, that I am too fucking awesome for someone not to want me. They will….in due time, I will be side by side with my King.  In the mean time, I’m perfectly lonely, cause I don’t belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me…..as J.Mayer stated.

And guess what,

The next person will be greater, better and he will not be such a fearful yittle coward with his dick hairs tucked between his lips that he can’t speak truth. OUCH.  Wait –

LOLOLOLOL  *Shrug *  I SAID 90% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

I don’t want another #MuseWeasel

I don’t want to hear his name spoken over me as I work and not be able to tell the ppl that’s my boo…..i don’t want to find out that he doesn’t love, care about or even respect me from his girlfriend’s page….i don’t want to troll…I want to trust. I will again.

I believe again.

And in believing, I have freed myself from the empty tank of dgas that is sure to shock your system when your engine notes say UNLEADED ONLY.

Yes Love,

Replacing you is something I thought I couldn’t do because who am I but a woman with words and two dogs? Who am I but damaged goods? Where am I but in a constant dream state that has NY written all over it???? I thought it to be impossible that someone would SEE me…..so I was intent on uncovering his skittle-colored glasses. …..

But guess what,

Its not that deep anymore……it doesn’t matter anymore. Their love is something worthy of respect….even tho  I stand by the fact that he used me as crash test dummy, I forgive it and I respect it when two ppl who are DESTINED, find their destiny.

As for me,

….. * changes soundtrack backwards………….Irreplaceable comes on*

“If I bought it, nigga, please don’t touch”

I bought him….he was defective. I thought he was irreplaceable. He thought I was a just a fuck. He must not know about me, but he does now. And the best part is replacing HIM is SO easy….much easier than I thought it to be in 2014. Cheers#toTheLeftHandLeftHand.

May my future Tunnel Vision be crystal clear. #Spirit OF #Discernment

* turns on Tunnel Vision for the FIRST TIME SINCE THEN.  Yup, I’ve taken ALL my music back too ;) *  Today's pic:

Healing is so fucking BAWESY. And it IS a chilling prospect....isn't it. :)