I was trolling my Timehop like I have done almost daily since I installed the app and before I blog, I would like to share these timehops.
10:52 AM – There is so much in my head about my birthday and all the SHIT that has been associated with it. I honestly just want to blow some money, book a flight and leave.
4:04PM – Now that I whored out my other inbox to my emotional lopsidedness and burning desire to say more, I return here covered in ashes. #LetItBurnKen oO
12:30 AM – Please let me do better tomorrow. Its my last day as 34. What a hell of a way to ring it in. Someone has come along and sat me all the way down. I know for a fact I will never love the same again. Finally. Do better Ken. And to all, a good flight.
12:35 AM – Wide awake, looking at the color of the ceiling in the dark….realizing I am signed in as jy. * side eye ensues* Listenign to the beat of the broken and trying to underthink myself to sleep. ….if I can just make it to Only the Brave.
1:04 AM – Jay z song cry.
1:08AM – Mourn forever. Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever.
The reason I decided to post a blog today is as I was scrolling and reading these Timehops and knowing that it would have a fuzzy look to it if I shared them, I couldn’t help but notice (Carrie B. ;) the difference a year makes. The great thing about TH is that it is the exact date of one year ago. There is no confusion or counting or wondering how close or far off from a ‘year ago’ it is. ONE YEAR.
In one year, so much has continued to evolve and in some cases devolve . We are in the midst of Mercury Retrograde as of today. Yesterday, was the official start date of the Aquarius/Aquarius moon- which moved into the constellation of the Aquarius. I would love to look up in the sky and SEE the water bearer and see what that look like. I don’t think I know anyone with a telescope or affinity to look at the stars closer. … eh.
Anyway, yesterday baptized me in a bad mood for the most of the day and I blame the running jump start of Retrograde. The irony of how I was feeling yesterday is that I got all dolled up, as I have every day for past few days….i want to ring in my birthday feeling flawless (of course with some flaws in tow). Yesterday, I wore a pencil skirt I bought from the Goodwill that was still brand new (the best), with a simple black top and some black thigh boots. I felt really pretty and kinda sexy if I can say that. But my mood was the opposite. Today, I opted for a vintage version of myself. I still have to take a picture. My mom gave me a dress with some huge buttons that came from my stepfather’s aunt. I was surprised to be able to fit it AND that it looked cute. So I took it with me and wore it today. It’s teal in color and I accented it in Red. Yesterday I had on purple lipstick. Today, I am wearing red. My fingernails are purple and red. These have been my moods. A cross between I love you and steamy hot or hot with emotional content. Not really angry, just tired of being stressed out by the things of life. ….but it’s all to the beat because I still feel good. I still feel ready, for change and embracing new information about the Aquarius Moon, Mercury Retrograde and quite a few other things surrounding my birthday this year. This year, I am in a MUCH better space, even as I approach the One Year mark since my sisterfriend left us for eternity.
But, as one can tell, this time last year, which on one hand seems like it just happened and on another hand, almost seems like it NEVER happened and only existed in some twisted bloody mary fantasy. Looking at those timehops show me hurting. And even though I have blocked those memories from stirring any raw emotions within me, I still remember how sad and depressed I was…….i still remember feeling Not Good Enough for a NIGGA of all things. I still remember feeling overly loyal to someone who would have only passed me a cup of water after he drank it all.
I didn’t really come to talk about him.
I did come to share those timehops. Because they show what it’s like to hurt.
But more than that, I came to say this, to anyone reading: There is no end-time to being hurt. I believe the more we get hurt and the more we let people in our lives who ultimately go on to hurt us, the harder it is to get beyond the next slice of hurtMe-Pie. I claimed companionship this year. I spoke it into existence and put it on my vision board. I even talked briefly to a white guy (I mean its not like any black males have ever been loyal to me…and that’s my word). I liked the white guy but kept forgetting that I was even communicating with him and the fact that he didn’t really reach out to me let me know all I needed to know to protect myself. No hard feelings. I was surprised I got as far as I did.
It makes me smile.
It makes me smile to see myself be WILLING to try something again but also being COGNIZANT of reality. If this was last year, I would keep texting him first. I would try to convince him without saying that I was trying to convince him, that I was worth looking into…that I am a book worth reading.
No more.
#MuseWeasel taught me all about not throwing myself in the lap of ANY male, regardless of color, from now on. Who he WANTED, he went out and got. And they still together as far as I know. Who he did NOT have any interest in, he just played the role of a coward, all while doing nothing…which was his effort to let me know he wasn’t interested in me (coward shit) …..instead of me accepting that (even though I SAW it for what it was), I kept tossing my rings in the fire and wondering why my heart was burning…..
Not today,
I am not a complete success story. I will admit there are times I still have a moment here and there and think of him or remember him or see something or smell something that reminds me of him. But its nothing that lasts and its nothing that I don’t quickly react to and control. It’s just what it is.
The lesson in it all,
You can live again.
You can breathe again and not feel ‘less than’ or not good enough. You can put yourself back out there to meet someone to have fun with and it not be about sex. You can have good conversations and the best part is you learn how to apply the spirit of discernment to not just companionship relationships, but to everything in your life. You learn how important that is to do. How it’s ok to not be in love. It’s ok to not have someone. Yes, I am STILL bored with not having anyone to hang out with except female friends…but i'm out here living nonetheless....i am in a fashion show, speaking to Simon employees, getting my hair colored, dressing well, having a birthday and i get to go home to a house with no children...nothing but silence and dogs barking, who never fail to show me that they love me!!!! It's beautiful when I really sit and think about it....
I cut all contact with the young lil tender I was conversing with because #MFFW. He young, full of cum and I might have got me some but the fact that he also is not interested stopped that. So I removed him from seeing what I talk about and put him somewhere far away where he doesn't exist and if he chooses to call me, I will just ignore the call like I did a week ago. I don’t care for games at 36. #TwoDays.
I want to ski.
And see the world.
And parasail. And fly and float on cruises. I want to eat at Fogo De Chao…..i want to look out into the audience and see Him sitting there in awe of his woman. I want to be loved in all of love’s splendor. And until my energy collides with like energies, I won’t be entertaining the foolish. Its pointless.
A young dude at the jobMistress o.O tried to holla at me. * LMAO * How did I know he was a no-go besides his age, job and bottom row of gold teeth??? Because I mentioned I had rehearsal and he asked me for what….i told him I was in a play that was about to come out and he asked the name….after I mentioned For Colored Girls and tried to HELP him understand what it was, he recalled having seen it as the Tyler Perry film and said “it was weird”.
O.O ****Stamps this nigga VOID ****
Yeah I’m good on dumb shit.
Dumb niggas.
Fools Gold.
Alluhdat. I am a beautiful woman, no kids, paying all my own fucking bills, working two jobs and living a weird combination of an Writer/artist/model life. If you don’t want in on it, fuck you. Idgaf.
But if you do,
And you even smell a hint of like you might make my timehops be un-postable, you will be deleted before you were added into the system.
What a difference a year makes. <3.
No comments:
Post a Comment