Elastic Heart of jAnuaRieyOrK

Blog Track:  Make it to Me, Sam Smith

“my minds runs away to you

With a thought I hope you see

Can’t see where its wondered to

But I know where it wants to be

I’m waiting patiently

Tho time is moving slow

I have my vacancy

And I wanted you to know that-

You’re the one/Designed for me/A distant stranger/that I will complete/I know you’re out there/we’re meant to be/so keep your head up/and make it to me.”

I only have one earphone in right now. I have to pee really bad and I’m really lazy about getting up to run to the public bathrooms. I wish there was a way to fix that as my kidneys suffer the most from my laziness and unhappiness about public restrooms, but nonetheless, I sit here behind my work computer, somewhat eager to see what comes from what I am typing.

I just had this long morning rant on fb about ‘dating 102’.  Because #Phuck101. Lol.

It was actually pretty dope so I figured I’d allow it to be a blog or something and see if anything good comes from it. So as of right now, it’s sitting in anther open word doc, awaiting me to attach something powerful to it that is based out of a page from my own life. Sheeesh.

We begin with a new song:

Games, Cassie Steele

“how does it feel to lose at your own game/how does it feel to know that you’ve been played/now when you see me I’m your everything/now that you need me, I’ve got other plans/I don’t play games if I want you/I just take things when I want to/what I like, when I like, if I want/Who I like, how I like, when I want.”

Here’s the thing about me: I have epiphanies all the time and they often come after I have made some crucial or critical mistake in my life, and sometimes, they come right in the middle of what I think is about to be some good shit.  Whatever that means: Good relationship, good friendship, good sex, etc……

And then like clockwork, an epiphany will reveal itself and it will be solely up to me to make a decision on the actions that come next. I’m about to get honest, even more than before on this blog. This is why I don’t share it publicaly because the shit I’m sharing is crazy to share. It makes me think to myself #MFFW about myself, but I have to keep going. I know I do. So I do. And so here I am.

Brain, BANKS

“I can see you struggling/boy don’t your brain/thinking what you’re gonna say/cause everythings a game/always trying to calculate……..”

Last weekend, I went out on my first date in well over a year. I wasn’t even gonna consider it a date at first, in hopes of not projecting my thoughts, which is something I do well.  It wasn’t until we were getting off I65 downtown and he said he was trying to hide his nervousness inside corny jokes. I giggled at the thought of being with someone who was nervous about being out with me.  When I asked him jovially why was he nervous, I hoped my voice would give him comfort to freely be exactly who he was (no masks, no misconceptions). He stated he hadn’t been on a ‘date’ in a while. And there it was. I WAS on a date.  *** blink blink ***

It wasn’t anything fancy; just a simple night that I agreed to because I knew it would be a pressure free environment and it was outside my norm and my comfort zone. We went to karaoke downtown at the living room. I had actually strongly considered singing Chandelier because why not? ??? But that was with my OLD MEMORY of the living room, when it was a predominantly white crowd and the karaoke stage was on the Pennsylvania side of the building. We got there and I realized it was the Claude & Annie’s crowd, who had migrated here. Predominantly black and intimidating to my introverted-not-in-poetry-mode self. I backed out and decided to simply be a voyeur. My date sang two songs, the first of which was Pretty Wings by Maxwell.  He sang, I smiled, drank my Tequila Sunrise (love you queenB) and caught a minor buzz really quickly. To my surprise someone DID sing Chandelier !!!!! I could have done it better tho. Lol.

Overall, the date was lightweight, pressure free and pretty fun! I was not disappointed or unhappy with the way things went. He opened doors and gave chivalry a run for the money. I’m not used to being asked to NOT open the door to get OUT of a vehicle, so I ate it up for the hell of it.  It’s not like I’m undeserving.  The date was cool. We hang out in the vehicle and talked for a while and laughed and stuff. We got to know a little more of each other and we were clicking for what it was worth. I was smiling. I was having a good time.  At some point during some of our prior communications, my feature, which was dated for 2.22 came up in conversation. Without any leading or hoping or hinting from me, the said young man decided to speak the words that he was coming to my show.  And my response is something I would like to quote, so allow me to creep into our inbox so that I may: 

“You should make sure you can and really want to before you say that”

I don't have any plans so I'm open to new avenues! #FRFR I'll keep in touch until show time!

if you change your mind, just say so please

i've been left hanging or stood up quite a bit over 2014

Ok...but don't think I will! Looking forward to it!

  

And here we are, Monday, 2/23/15.

The feature was last night and he was nowhere in sight. He was not located in the inbox directory via facebook nor was in my text messages. There was no call put in and there was no communications AT ALL the entire day. Our last message to each didn’t seem to have any indication of a stand up.  We actually had plans to kick it a few nights back but I winded up falling asleep before that was possible. The next day, I text him and apologized as a courtesy of just being a decent person.  Didn’t see like anything was on the horizon….he responded with no problem and asked if I needed my walkway shoveled. I told him I did but that my landlord might do it. * shrug *  I guess I was supposed to say yes? Hell, Idk. This could possibly be a teaching moment. I’m too independent for my own good. Such so that I stick to the way things have been getting done rather than embrace new potentials and possibilities ???? <<<Rhetorical, although there might really be some truth in that. Idk, I’m on the fence. -_-

There was nothing that lead me to believe that he would not show up, although I did not expect him to see him there. Maybe I caught the energy through our text messages afterall or maybe I just have very lowered expectations. Maybe I protect myself by expecting the worse and being truly surprised when something works out in my favor. Whatever the case, I really didn’t expect to see him. And it did not make or break the show. I actually had a surprisingly WONDERFUL time performing. I put my heart and soul into it and left it all on the dancefloor. I’ve never NEEDED a companion to be in the audience cheering me on. But I am especially sensitive to this subject. DO NOT tell me that you are coming and don’t show up without letting me know in advance. Usually this is where I say ‘you don’t owe me anything’, but the truth is, one DOES owe it to me to say CHANGE OF PLANS.  I am having a déjà vu moment and feeling like I’ve addressed this before in this blog, which is possible. But a simple call, text, inbox, screenshot, IG gram, etc, etc that says “ I can’t make it’, takes only a heartbeat to do and doesn’t have to come with any other explanation (not for me). If you can’t make it or don’t want to, that is fine. I promise that is ok. I won’t be less januarie York without you there. But I will be an angry MF when the time comes and goes and there was a lack of presence AND a lack of communication. That shit makes me SICK. It makes me sick that men see women as such disposable objects with no value that they think a lack of communication is ACCEPTABLE. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of all the times I have been stood up over the last year and a half because men have a problem with thinking a woman is gonna off herself if they change the plans.

Dude, I’m not.

I’m gonna be just fine. And so will WE, IF, communication is not a hindrance. I deserve it. I would give it to you. I deserve for a grown adult man to say to me, ‘I know I said I was but I can’t’. I.FUCKING.DESERVE IT !!!!! Whether we kiss on the first date or sleep together on the 2nd, whether we cook together or pray together or butt heads on spiritual beliefs…no matter the case, if we are going to establish a floatable ship of any kind between each other, part of keeping our Rappaport healthy is simple communication.  Because we BOTH deserve it.

But again, I met someone who thought otherwise.

I’ve still never heard again from said person and don’t expect to again in the future. I figure at this point, if you haven’t bothered to remember you left me hanging, it would only make sense to continue to that route. NOT to change it up in a few days.

My smoke doesn’t die down. And more than that, there are some things you can play with. My hair, my ticklish spots….stuff like that. …And then, there are things that are NEVER up for games: My money, my heart, my poetry.

Niggas always wanna play fun-n-games with my poetry. They want to make these insanely unnecessary promises to show up at places and events that they have no intent on showing up to. They want to pretend to give a fuck in the moment. God forbid I use poor judgment and so something before they can show up that leads to them to think ‘yeah, me showing up is not so important anymore’… <<that has happened before. I won’t lie and pretend to have it so together that it baffles me why niggas play these games. I don’t. I fuck up and sometimes, I fuck up in ways I KNOW DAMN BETTER …..sex is ALWAYS a fuck up. I mean that. Sex is just no longer on the table for me, by any means, at all. I will not have sex again, anymore until I am God given sure that I have met my husband. Dead serious. These legs will NOT EVER part again for a nigga, his dick or his tongue. …if you’ve read this blog long enough, you know the shower is truly a better, cleaner, more safe experience anyway.  * shrug * No it doesn’t replace human body contact but even that body contact is only as good as the connection. ….so yeah. I’m good. If I cum during sex, which I rarely do because of this reason, anything else afterwards feels disgusting and like I’m being raped anyway. #truestory. I try to refrain from orgasms (which means I fake them all…yep, lames believe anything) during sex because I know if we keep going after I actually have a real one, it will almost make me sick enough to vomit. It’s weird, scary, internal fuckedupness I guess. Iontknow. * shrug *  But I say this to say, sex for what? That is over. That is done. I broke my celibacy with someone and regretted it while it was being broken. I could barely bring myself to so much as say hello to that person again because I knew it was a mistake on my part, not really his.

I desire not to be the temptress or the seductive Eve bitch that turns mankind into stone and death.

I desire not to think with my legs or hope with my pussy. Its useless. My uterus is permanently broken and even if it wasn’t, I have yet to meet anyone I would like to share parenting responsibilities with….Sex is not my weapon. Sex ruins things. Sex kills actions.

Sex has silently contributed to the demise of important things such as communication, respect, desire and chase over the course of my dating life. Even without them telling me, I always know it. Even if I’m hurt, I always know it. And more than that, it SCARES the bejeeezus out of me to think of collecting another soul to exist inside of me for an undetermined amount of time. That one I took in with love is still there. This blog is evidence. He was a spiritual STD. And it scares me to take in another. I have, since him, and that person lives with me. He adds to my confusion and to my own demise. Spiritual demons transmitted through sex. (spiritual not being used in the ‘God-sense, but more of a psychological one). The transference of energies is not only real, it can’t be easily dumped.

Allllll of this thinking I’ve done in the last 72 hours led me to this epiphany  that I posted on facebook this morning:

Sometimes I think we get so used to being WITH someone or with having someone in our lives, in whatever capacity we have people, and the first time there is a huge lemon shake up and things change, you feel ....awkward.

You feel like you are walking foreign grounds barefoot with no idea where to turn or if Albuquerque is nearby. So you are walking in crooked, unsure steps, looking around left and right, front and back, for a sign or a glimpse of the familiar. "I need a date". "I should be texting someone" "I need a 'bae' "......

Sometimes, the lesson to be learned is gaining access and control to the thoughts that are leading you. Thoughts don't always "LEAD" you where you need to be. It's because we are human and sometimes our thoughts are not the 'purest' or the cleanest', therefore the places they have the ability to take us can be dirty....or quicksand. Sometimes, our thoughts need to be shaved, cleaned and cut. We need to take the ropes, gain the lead and find a way to move forward without the negative or at least 'hindering' thoughts.

If you find yourself single for an extended period of time,

and that single is almost foreign to you....if your single includes no calls or texts....no dates or kisses....if you miss having butterflies or find yourself longing for a glimpse of your hand being held with purpose, ‪#‎STOP. Control your thoughts. Ask yourself: What am I supposed to be taking in from this time as myself, by myself. You might end up finding yourself having such a great time that you forget that 'familiar' you think you've been longing for and you look up, and are right there, standing on foreign ground,

perhaps standing next to a foreigner,

who sees you and finds themselves controlling their thoughts, just like you. And you both learn the perfect route to left turns and Albuquerque together. ....short time, long time, maybe even a lifetime. But it happens naturally. No force, no blind date, no catching bees in the wind and calling them butterflies while they sting you. Just mind over matter and learning to live without that which you've become accustomed to thinking you are OWED.

Sometimes,

you are the one that OWES.

BOAH. Sometimes, you are the one that owes.

Grow up, pay dues and learn to live abundantly with or without the things you THINK you want so bad. A lot of the times, it's just the thought itself that wants....you, on the other hand, might actually not even want what you THINK you are owed. Take some time and sort your shit out, without the weight of "BUT IF I ONLY HAD - ".

The day I stop being ‪#‎AMuseD is the day I will smash right into you.

After posting, one of my fellow poets and friends posted this as a comment:

Learning to manage your emotions is the key to peace of mind.

I want to share with you four important reasons from God’s Word why you need to learn to deal with what you feel.

1. You need to learn to manage your emotions because they are often unreliable.
Your gut is often wrong. Your intuition is often flawed. Your emotions often lead you down a blind alley. You can’t depend on everything you feel!

Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death” (NIV). You don’t have to accept everything you feel, because not everything you feel is right or authentic or will lead you in the right direction. 

2. You need to learn to manage your emotions because you don’t want to be manipulated.
If you don’t control your emotions, they will control you, and you will be manipulated by your moods. And, if you’re always guided by your feelings, other people are going to take advantage of you. Worst of all, Satan’s favorite tool is negative emotions. He will use fear, resentment, and worry to wreak havoc in your life.

The Bible says in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 

3. You need to learn to manage your emotions because you want to please God.
God cannot rule your life if emotions rule your life. If you make your decisions based on how you feel, then you’ve made your feelings god, and then God can’t be God in your life.

Romans 8:6 and 8 says, “To be controlled by human nature results in death; to be controlled by the Spirit results in life and peace. Those who obey their human nature cannot please God” (TEV). 

4. You need to learn to manage your emotions because you want to succeed in life.
Study after study has shown that your emotional quotient is far more important than your IQ when it comes to success. How many people do you know who ruined their reputation because of something said in anger? Or missed a job opportunity because of their lack of self-control?

The Bible says in Proverbs 5:23, ”[People] get lost and die because of their foolishness and lack of self-control” (CEV). 

When you give your heart to Jesus, that includes your emotions. So when you say, “I gave my heart to Jesus,” you gave your emotions to him to be managed by him. Jesus wants to be Lord of how you feel, not just what you think and do. He wants to be Lord of your emotions.

“From now on, then, you must live the rest of your earthly lives controlled by God’s will and not by human desires” (1 Peter 4:2 TEV).

And on that note,

What else needs to be said?  It’s been beyond time to GROW.  Beyond it. 

****When I had this epiphany a few days ago, it was powerful. It was me finally SEEING something in clear, consice actuality. I don't WANT anyone. I don't want the responsibility of another person in my life. I don't want the awkwardness of getting to know someone and i don't want the false promises and disappointments. I don't want to meet a fixer upper, I don't want to meet a Nation-Populator (let that marinate), I don't want the heartbreak and I don't feel like explaining why I keep things to myself, or why I'm quiet or why I"m unwilling to break barriors for dudes because I don't trust them. Overall, I'm single, need to stay that way and love it. And quiet as kept, I do. I just THINK I want someone. I've always had someone, as discussed in prior blogs. It's always been an easy thing to stay connected in the dating world and this has been my FIRST FULL YEAR (a year and 23 days to be exact) that I have been SINGLE, 100%. I don't hate it. I don't. But my natural mind says 'you should be dating'.....actually, no I shouldn't. I should be LIVING. This deja vu-ish too. I may have stated these things before, which doesn't lessen the impact of said epiphany.

 I very much understood it or saw it differently the other day. I really saw myself as someone who does NOT want a companion and I know this because I was having these thoughts prior to being stood up for the 100th Indianapolis time. I am 100% more comfortable single than I am in relationship. I don't have to run stuff my into my closet to pretend my room is clean, i don't have to shave under my arms (see Indy Recorder blog), I don't have to wake up like dis....i can just be...kendria, januarie, whoever i feel like being. YES I still get tired of not going on dates and I had a GREAT time finally being one AND being treated like a lady, but I realize some things that sent us spiraling into quickdrawMcBackOut.  Truth is, it's time for me NOT to be led by my thoughts. My 'hopes' of a relationship. They have led me all my dating life. Every since I caught an eye for boys, I've been led by my desire to have MY OWN. And the more I didn't receive it or the more I spent time with the wrong one, the more I became LED by the thought of desire. Amazing how I've been this bitchypup on a mutt-leash, being led by something that I CONTROL, only to end up in the corner that nobody is supposed to put Baby in. o.O

 My need to experience genuine companionship that is not unrequited has led me to being led by the thought that I want companionship and i want it NOW. I do want it, but I want it when and ONLY WHEN it wants ME. Which can only happen when I stop being led by the thought rather than by my true sense of self and spirit.  Being led by the thought of the desire of companionship has greatly hindered to my ability to live freely and with and on purpose. 
I have to be led by God. 
I have to be led by my spirit. 
By my knowledge. 
By my thirst for living and seeing/experiencing life.

 I have to be led by something bigger than dick, bubblegum and popsicle sticks. 

I need to be lead by the Spirit. Anything else is Fools Gold, which is the one hashtag I want to rid myself of forever more <3 

Song Switch: 

SIA, Elastic Heart (((SIDENOTE: This was one of my instant FAVS when I first heard this CD).

"And another one bites the dust

oh why can i not conquer love

and i might've thought we were one

why not to fight this war without weapons

and i want it, i wanted it bad

btu there were so many red flags

now another one bites the dust

yeah, lets be clear, i'll trust no one

you did not break me

i'm still fighting for peace

i've got thick skin

and an elastic heart

but your blade, it might be too sharp

i'm like a rubberband until your pull too hard,

i may snap and i move fast

but you won't see me fall apart

cause i've got an elastic heart." 

~januarie