I Took That B!*(#()@@ Back !!!!! And by B#*(@#%()*!, I mean ME.

Blogtrack: I’ll Die.

“If I stay right here

I’ll die inside

Right now the tears

I can barely get by

Its fair to say

That we tried

You know I wanna stay

If I do, I’ll die.”

I remember when I first started playing this again, after not having heard it since the CD was first released. It was probably around Nov 2013. I was taken aback by the lyrics and how they resonated with me in an unexpected way. Today, I listen to it and feel like ‘I love floetry’.  Not ‘why does this sound like what needs to happen?”

Big fucking deal.

This time last year, the story was what the story was. If you’ve been a reader of this blog for awhile, then you likely know the story. Right?

This time last year, I was a mere days away from seeing it with my own eyes for the first time.  Only the Brave was done and over with and for a few days, I felt poetically empowered on high levels. That is until, I didn’t.  That supply of ‘good energy’ ran out  rather quickly. The show was over, there were no more rehearsals and nothing ‘upcoming’ that I can remember, at the time (except for the unknown life changing event that would begin within two wks).

 I woke up one day, and felt DEAD inside. I felt like I been stripped and depleted of all the love I had left to give any one person in this world. Now, let’s recap briefly on the state of being (for the new readers):

It was a simple yet deliberate 9 months. My soul and spirit knew that I would love him that first night he walked up to me and kissed me like teens on the parking lot. My behavior was uncontrollable by me. I thought I was the puppet master and could pull his strings towards the direction of my heart but that was not neither of our truths. Nonetheless, I knew before I felt, that I would love him. I knew when he was being difficult, that I would love him. I knew when his arms were around me, when we stood in front of public doorways, not caring about who saw us, when we sat in cars until wee hours in the morning and that first time I woke up in the middle of the night with his arms ‘wrapped around my waist like  tiny hands on easter basket rims’, that I would indeed love him and there was nothing me nor him could do to stop it. I denied it to myself and to my friends who saw it and probably wondered how this was moving so fast. It was design. IT was destiny. I was destined to LOVE this shit out of this man who I will never believe cared a single iota for me or my feelings. That’s my word. I’ll go to the grave feeling like he never gave a shit about me. But I will also go to my grave knowing that I had no choice but to love him, and so I did. In return, for my obedience to thy heart, I gave all of me. All of my love. One last ditch effort to ‘believe in love for ME’ as opposed to everyone else. But it was detrimental. It was all a smoke screen, meant to do exactly what it did: break me down and deplete me so much that it would take over a year to gather my toys and walk away w/my pride. I had no choices in this matter. This was God. This was God's teaching and showing me that the WAY and MANNER of which I, Kendria Smith, gave love, was no longer acceptable and nothing He (God) had tried showing previously had stuck, so this time, it would last forever. I had to fall in love w/someone who didn't love me in order for me to finally, once and for all, LEARN how to love and to see my flawed self for the flawed 'lover' that i had been.He was in love and in a relationship with another woman and by the time I found out, they were way involved although he was never honest enough to admit to that which was all over the internet. By the time Feb 12^th arrived, I had gone days without having said a word to him. I had stopped hopping in his inbox going HAM. I was trying to ‘reel’ myself back to myself because for what it was worth, I was on 1000.

So that’s it in a nutshell.

I think when you love someone who moves on with another person, the level of denial is so abundant that it becomes hard to even advance to the next stage of ‘grief’.

SongChange: Kelly Clarkson, Already Gone.

I had a hard time internalizing that another woman was better than me (that’s how I processed it….absolutely NO other way). Even after Only the Brave was over, I was still in denial, but I was on an ‘I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME POEM’ high that had ended by the time Valentine’s Day  rolled around.  The same way I found out about them, I went trolling on VD. And there they were.

At a table. Hugged up and close. Smiling. Dressed up. He was in a suit and he was smiling. There was not a trace that I EVER existed behind his eyes. That hurt me more than the picture itself. I remember how my stomach dropped when I first laid eyes on it. I stared for a long while, tears streaming, trying to remember any one of the lines from any one of the poems from the #OTB show and uplift myself. But I couldn’t. I looked, hardly at her, although she was very beautiful and eerily reminded me of myself.  I focused on him. I focused on the body language and the love behind his smile that I could I see. And just how much of me was NEVER within him. He was always within me. He played out in my poems and attitude, action and thoughts. He was in my prayers and his face was in my tears. His hands were in my hands. His arms were where I continued to lay my head on nightly. His smile at the circular Valentine’s Day table with his arms interlocked with the woman he loved was the image that would kill me all over again. I felt like it was Pre-OTB the way I spiraled back downwards after that. I tried not to let on to ppl just how much pain I was feeling, but I did express to a couple of folks that I had officially saw what I needed to see: them together. On VDay nonetheless…..i would stay in this iLL fated mind frame up until 2/27, 10AM, when my life changed drastically.

I put the NY hat I bought him above my bed and I could smell the scent of his plug ins beating down on my face while I slept. He never wore the hat. I don’t think he had a chance. Maybe he did. Maybe he wore it with her. Doesn’t matter. I took that bitch back.

I TOOK THAT BITCH BACK.

Song Change: Kings of Leon, Closer

“Stranded in a spooky town/stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down/floor is crackling cold/she took my heart, I think she took my soul/with the moon I run/far from the carnage of the fiery sun.”

Nearly One Year Later …..

“I took that bitch back”.

Today is 2/12/15.

Song Change (deliberate): John Legend, I Love, You Love.

You have just received a recall from this time last year. Today, I gear up to leave work early as I have to get my hair done at 430 for the Meet the Artist Fashion Show.  I will be walking in this years runway show. Last year, I spit three poems like my life depended on it. It was right after the Only the Brave Show. The following day to be exact.

This year, things are much different. I wasn’t invited to be apart of Art & Soul, so there was no ‘big show’, but I have a FULL SCHEDULE ALL MONTH LONG. And, instead of spitting at Meet the Artists, which was a huge opportunity last year, I am modeling!!!

ON VALENTINES DAY! I don’t have a ‘valentine.’.  By now, you know I aint even ‘talking’ to no one. Communication off fleek and on zero. There will be no flowers delivered or boxes of disgusting , expensive candy made out of cheap chocoloate or cards that were bought and signed last minute. There will be no one on the phone, no texts and thank GOD, NO FILLERS !!!!!!! That was the extent of my VDay last year, and after I  got home, alone, I cried. FOR HOURS. I cried, I looked at the picture, I think my sis came over and I showed it to her or at least screenshot and text it….and cried. For him, for them, for all the things missing from my VDay that reminded me of how unspecial I was.

This year tho,

Things have changed drastically ….it has not been without continuous testing and trials and shit and feelings and tears and hurt and prolonged anger and flare ups and trigger warnings and shit .....but the circle has turned into a full moon!! 

I FEEL GOOD !!!! As far as this shit is concerned at least….lol. Just a few days ago, I completed a photoshoot for Spunky Monkey Boutique and I have begun the beginning process of debuting my own fashion show for the first time, on April 18^th. …but wait-

Let’s address V- DAY :

This Valentine’s day, even though I will have none of that commercial shit happening to or for me, I will be getting pampered and it starts TODAY!!!! I’m getting hair done, make up will be done and face will be BEAT !!!! I will be representing that old Harlem-esque feeling in the fashion show and guess who is the first person to walk out???? ME THAT’S WHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!  This year, I spend my VDay getting pampered. Showered in good looks, great feels and if I’m lucky enough, someone from my circle will be there to see it. I think my sis might make it. But even if the only person that sees me is me, idga FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! What a drastic change!!!! What a blessing to have arrived in such a space, where the last thing I am thinking of is that circular table or that smile that lacked traces of my lipstick.

I am a model. A poet. A woman. A writer. An event organizer. I an actress. For Colored Girls will be showing for the final time 2/28, and there are teaser shows that entire weekend that showcase all of Demarcoplay's, plays. Lol. I have LOTS of rehearsals this time....last year, at this time, i was as dead a stinking corpse.. 

This time around, I AM a healed and healing woman of the arts, and I will ride my wave to the muthafuckin’ moon!!!!!! Solo, single, no valentine having me –

Yet,

My finances are coming together, my house is the bomb, my dogs are the shit, my arts life is the GREATEST and my future is bountiful, plentiful and if possible, it might include someone I love, who loves me, as deliberate, life changing and soul-obliging as I did every man I have EVER loved. After all, I deserve it.

My time will come.

But while it stalls, I am MUTHAFUCKIN’ JANUARIE YORK BITCH AND I WISH A NIGGA WOULD BE ABLE TO BREAK ME. <3

#ITookThatBitchBACK #AndByBitchIMeanME 

“ears closed

What I hear

No one else has to know….

Cause I know ….that what we have is worth first place in gold…..

And I’m soaked in your love

And love is right in my path

In my grasp………………………………” 



SongChange: Gigaloos, Morris Day. Giggity. ....