perhaps?
 |
| serious face |
* le sigh *
I don't know.....
i started back writing in this blog......i wonder if there is some type of way I can channel this into the novel challenge (NaNoMo...or something like that o.O) ....meaning, as inspiration...
i haven't started on that....
in effort not to ramble, let me cut to the chase....
the post earlier may have been a little petty.
it makes me wonder if i'm stifling my growth by doing little silliness like that....er'body eats ass, its a thing now, right??? ****Note: 'er'body does NOT include me or any of my personalities'
* befuddlement ensues *
ok i was making a point
it's what was on my mind
this is why i stopped writing on this blog
because i felt like i no longer had the right to share these things.....like i'm wrong somehow for sharing these things or even worse, making myself out to be a victim of men all over indiana....and neither of those are what i wanted
neither are true....
i'm not wrong
and i'm not a victim
i'm an equal opportunist at best, giving all who vandalize my heart, the same opportunities without discernment being a practiced virtue ....i've played into the hands of the devil, played hands dealt by the devil, played the fucking devil.....shit...
I am by no means anyone's golden angel who dudes just shit on for no reason....a lot of karma as been afforded to me...and a lot of poor decision making has come at my own hands....this blog is the result of both of those things....and then there are just shitty ass people out here ....
this blog includes that too....
for me, this blog is about exposing my flaws of who i allow into my life and how far.....in one of the episodes of Sex in the City, Carrie is seeing a therapist after a break up with Big.....she meets a guy in the lobby of their shared therapist's office....they start 'dating'....finally, they sleep together.
Afterwards, they are laying in the bed together, cuddling and what not, when Carrie finally asks him exactly what he is seeing a therapist for. .....without seeming the slightest bit disturbed, he said 'i lose interest in a woman after I sleep with her" .....
note the irony....
Carrie noted the irony, as it displayed across her face....he asked her the question in return......her reply: " I pick the wrong men" .....
It was at that moment she got it. When the therapist initially alluded to that being the problem, Carrie didn't understand it or get it....she was actually offended. When she spoke to her girls about it, they all agreed with the therapist. Carrie still didn't understand how she was being accused of picking the wrong men, when it rather seemed like these men pick her and she gives them a chance. She felt like this is who makes themselves available to me and so she pulls from her open category of options....these are the options...!!! But in that moment, as she lay in her bed with her covers over her chest, naked and next to a naked man who, only just now told her that he loses interest in women after sex....
.after they just had sex,
that is when she got it....she knew then he had just lost interest in her, in her bed.....and for the first time, she saw herself doing the picking...she saw the role SHE played in this theatrical real Life Time....
you'd have to see the episode in its entirety, but upon noticing him, she thought he was cute and let her mind wander off from there, until it met up with him...but she was at her therapist's office...not exactly the fruit section of the grocery store....
No pun intended, but it might not be the ideal place to pick up a date....its these simple and sometimes small decisions and details that have the power to make or break a portion of our lives.....lets say there is nothing wrong with getting a date from the therapy room (no judgment)...how do we end up in the bed with each other before we even know why each other is seeing a therapist ??? #SimpleDecisionsThatChangeOurLives
It all matters in the end....might as well play it as smart as possible.
I'm a lot like Carrie in so many ways aside from writing and shoes.....
i started watching SITC when I was 25....i gravitated to it and loved it immediately....some of it, I had experienced while other stuff I couldn't identify with because the characters were all ten years older than me....i thought differently then....now ten years later, I completely and totally GET SiTC....ALL OF IT....every freaking episode....except for the happy endings.
I am Carrie....damn near in real life
but definitely in this blog.....I am Carrie.
and this blog is my therapist...
I am the woman, looking from her bed, at the ceiling, with the cover pulled over her nude body....
laying next to a shadow of someone, whom i don't know well enough to know better than to be here with....even though I know better....
I am finally seeing the role I play in my own demise....i mean....accountability....
so to whomever may be reading this...whether it simply the ghosts of my subconscious or the people who click the links or even remember this was ever a thing, please know, this is not about ONLY calling out foul shit....or calling attention to foul shit.... I ain't gonna front, this is all Sugar-Free, i am most definitely calling attention to some shit...
which is why i ask that this remain the way i have it...if you can see the link, you are more than welcome to read....but please do not share with anyone or repost...i'm not there yet....
this is about my looking glass....my face...my reality...my facts..reasons and whys ...part of the reason i hurt so much is because i hold so much in for so long....there is so much inside of me, right now to this day, that will live with me forever because the time has expired to call attention to them....its hard to live like that ..or to know what to do or where to place the stashes of feelings that have curdled long ago, but still exist....this is about me moving on and for once, not having to hold the shit in that i think is fucked, for sake of saving another muthafuckas image and shit.....bitchplease..... <<<that's not directed at anyone, just felt right*
But in the process of doing so, i have to still and at all times, be honest with myself....because if not, then all this shit is pointless. Period, dot. I may have written something like this earlier in the blog...i can't remember but at the risk of being redundant, so you know its real, i will post this and thank anyone who is hear reading....
i pray we all get something from what is shared....i just felt like i had reiterate that I know my role...i mean, i did just post a childish blog...and i'm not taking it down. #oop
but i'm human and the good thing about that is i'm not afraid to be human!!!!
This will be the last time I give a pep rally about this blog and its point or what it means...i'm not gonna continue to share the links anyway....if you are interested, please bookmark the main page...all you have to do is click on the blog title and it will take you to the main page....i'm not longer posting the links because I want to allow this to do what its supposed to do and who its supposed to be for....
even the only person that it ends up being for, is me. We've once again made the rounds where its time to release....as you can see, if you can see, if you are that interested, this blog is about lots of people, not one.
So if you been to the block, you be'z on the blog. * shrug *
Welcome to the fabulous life of januarie York...presented with no commercial breaks, but ummm
i'll be right back,
after these messengers. <3
Non commercial here (watch this): The Break Through
~jY
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