This time last year

I did something I haven't done in awhile.

I poked my nose where it doesn't belong.

...it started in the middle of last week. I was minding my business in my office. I usually have my earphones on but in this particular moment, I was earphone-free.....where I sit is pretty quiet.  There is nothing there but the bathroom (unfortunately for me), a conference room and two offices within earshot.

On this day there was a meeting in the conference room, so it was a bit busy and somewhat noisy so why I didn't have my earphones on yet escapes me, but out of the disturbed silence broke a sound that I hadn't heard in months and stopped me in my tracks.

Those piano keys.
An IPhone ringtone.....idk, it could be for androids too, although every time I've ever heard it since this time last year, it was on an iphone.

It quieted whatever I was thinking and I stopped typing and looked up and out into thought oblivion. It was brief.
It was happening before I could stop it.

it was him.

It was proof that he still exists within me and as mad as that might make me or no matter how ill fated it was for me to love him, I did....therefore, he still exists.

He may always exist.
Although tamed and although I was able to snatch myself back before I drifted into a negative space, I still -

remember him.

That ringtone in the office was the same ringtone of his phone. I remember that ringtone going off around 2 or 3 AM one morning while I was laying there next to him on one pillow while he rolled off the top of about three of them mugs....

that was the first physical time I realized he was interested in me. I read people well. I like to think otherwise; I like to tell myself that what I interpret from the shit people do is wrong, then I go on to realize I was right more often than not. Hmph.

I knew he wasn't into me that night. I think that was one of the last times, if not THE last time, I spent the night with him. Everything else after that was nothingness.... me trying and failing miserably at the expense of my crown and perception.
I had to have looked desperate.
I was.

I desperately wanted to be RIGHT this time.  In that right, I ignored my instincts and essentially sacrificed myself for love and I wanted it to be RIGHT.

I wanted to prove myself otherwise. I wanted to be in the right to love this nigga who didn't really like me enough to tell me that he was dating and fucking someone else.

* shrug *
.....on this last night, his body language towards me was -0. I should not have stayed but my pride new that if I suggested I leave, he would willingly see me off. I didn't want that either. I wanted someone to say 'i'm sorry babe, come here' and hold me.
I KNEW he wouldn't do that. So I laid there until I couldn't take it anymore. He offered me no pillows, no body contact, he hogged the cover and the bed.

It was different than it started. Completely. And I knew it and felt it and when I finally decided to leave, he didn't even walk me downstairs, much less to my car.
Lol.

He gave no more fucks in epic proportions and still I continued to attempt to extract syrup from a coffin and yielded only this blog as a result.

I heard that ringtone last week, and remembered him. I remembered the fact that it was useless of me to love him.

Two days ago, I walked in my house after work. I have two furnaces and usually the one downstairs is off because I'm hardly down there. There are more plug ins down there as well.  There are two different atmospheres within my home; downstairs and upstairs. As I walked up the steps and the warmer air covered my body, the smells transitioned from the scents of downstairs to the that of my bedroom.

I got to the top of steps and stopped.
Dead in my tracks.

Whatever I just smelled, I hadn't smelled since this time last year. I recognized it.
It was the scent of his house.
It was distinct.
Memorable. I used to smell it in anticipation when I would be on my way over there.
For some reason, I smelled it in my house.

Had I bought the same plug in as him? Idk....I know that smell tho.
And I knew it the minute it touched my nostrils.
It made me angry.

I still remembered this muthafucka. I have been long gone from his mind no doubt. How is it that he could even have a this long of a blog for me to discuss, nearly a year later????? Ugh.....
I mean, none of this shit involved tears or nothing like that....
i didn't sit around and dive deeper into the thought process, and I didn't drive myself crazy with what ifs, but man.....
still.....

its like WTF. -_-


Today I overstepped my boundaries.
I checked looked at his twitter page.
Looked at his girlfriend's page.

Shrugged my shoulders.
It really didn't make me feel anything. I would say I'm happy for them but why lie???

Seems like people don't get their karma. ....
But i know they always do.


I won't venture back to their neck of the woods anymore.
I would kick myself for falling into the trap today, but hey....he's all in my timehop and this time last year, I was excited and in love and ready to give him the gift I knew would be adored and unexpected.....so eh...

maybe its apart of the mourning process...
dates/times...things.....significant things, bring us memories....we decide what we allow those memories to do with and/or to us. I guess....
I think.'

I'm proud of the control I've had lately. I am. I'm proud that my act of cyber voyeurism gave me no feels. I'm disappointed that I did it. I didn't even try to stop it, I just did it and got it over with....

I'm human.
Shit happens....

I loved him.
I still remember him.

I forgive him tho.....
and will continue my journey, getting stronger each day....