Court is In Session

* sigh *

Honestly,

if I were being honest,

it is REALLY boring for there to be NO ONE within earshot. No texts, no calls, no dates, no NOTHING.  Like NOTHING.

It takes genuine work to not let that make you down on yourself or lower your esteem, even if just by a millimeter....imagine getting close to 40 and there not being a single person attracted to you in a way that attracts you to them.

Shit.

Shrug.

That's not what I came here for.
Some days are greater and met with more ease than others....
today is fine day.
I have agreed to self to indulge in Single Woman's Giving of  Thanks, for the first year ever. I hope that I successfully document it. There's this one second app that once I learn how to work it, I might use to capture it. I might also use it if I end up in NY next week. We'll see. The point is accepting my life, the way it is right now, and not wishing or hoping for something greater, better or bigger to occur in minutes....so for thankgiving, I plan to cook for myself, have candlelit dinner with music (probably Trixie Whitley's favorite stranger on repeat) and just enjoy some holiday-me time....

I digresses.....

I came to drop some poetry....all the above is jY rambles.
So, I had a 7 am inbox from someone who is NOT a suitor. He's someone who I know, who does poetry (i've sworn so far off poets that any overuse of metaphors will get a dude the boot) and who I've known for a while now...he's younger than me. And I enjoy our casual few and far in between poetic flirts with each other. I don't text him or call him much at all....more often than not, i act in response to him....

I don't want to seem like I want him. I do and I don't. I do but I can't have him for many reasons. I don't because I'm not good for anyone right now. I don't because he does what I do and it's never worked in the past. I don't because he is not ready for that....WE are not ready for the same things.....so I tend to move around him with pinky tiptoes.....I don't make much noise or engage for long periods....i cut off conversations or don't read messages until days later...i'm honestly not trying to play any games.....

I'm learning from my past mistakes and as a result, I exist with buckingham guards by my side. They control my moves. I am a robot. * shrug *

Our religions are differing to a point of no agreeance.
The same with our age.
So I am VERY realistic in the sense that this is NOT someone 'dateable' to me. We don't even occupy the same state lines. Which is even better.....he's at more than a distance. #SafePlaces BUT- we flirt......rightfully so....i believe we are both attracted to the poetic musings of each other, as well as the physical of each other.....we have good, humorous and often poetic phone conversations sometimes.....but knowing what we know about age, state and religion are deal breakers that can't be avoided. So I wonder if we both tread this line very finely so that there is no 'liking' that takes place OVER the realms of our boundaries. We are both very boundaried off, potentially for differing reasons.....

but we both flirt sometimes.....and it makes me smile without meaning to or even wanting to. I'm such a girlie girl sometimes that it makes me want to stand up and pee. -_-

...we hung out a few weeks ago, dancing and writhing and talking until the wee hours of the morning...it was the first time my body had contact like that in forever.....it felt good. I let go and let my body and the music take over. We sweat and smiled and touched and rubbed bodies....it was a salacious, somewhat sensual act of desire that was strong enough to break the floorboards we stood upon, yet, we both know our truth and its not in the back of our minds....
...it exists in the front pew.

So we both know what we can do and what we can't.
Sex.
That's all we can offer each other. Our religious beliefs, our states and our ages say so. There is no in between.  And honestly, i do not want an in between. I don't want to date a poet. NEVER ....i'm not saying I wouldn't -

I just don't want to. Its too hard to separate the poems from reality when in date mood. You have expectations of this person based on what you have heard from them but in reality, human beings do not exist in the unknown space of similies and colorful metaphors....this can lead to (and for me, has before) major DISAPPOINTMENT.

So....dating is no option.
Its not warranted or wanted.
Do I want to fuck ??? Man......listen. Its been nearly a year. The days are creeping up and beyond me at rapid speed....its almost hard to fathom. I've had so much sex that I'm all sexed out. I outsexed my life. Now I'm involuntary celibate ....and horny. NOt every day but on the days that I am...........shrew. ......dammit man. -_-

Oh...there was a self imposed question there wasn't it o.O ?
DO I WANT TO FUCK ????? Why did i propose this question with this language??? Simple...because we would not be making love......having sex? Perhaps....but fucking is what we would be doing....if I were being honest....and i honestly think there is a huge difference.

So....do.i.want.to.fuck????
Yes and no. I don't want to fuck just anyone....what i have learned from celibacy is the longer you hold your legs closed, the more picky you get about who gets the opportunity to consume your faux-hymen......i don't want to fuck just anyone...i will not be just fucking anyone......and at this stage, it makes no sense to fuck someone who is not for real interested in me......

unless......
I just want a friend w/benefits.....
and honestly, Idk what I want right now.....i really just want someone to hang out with to make these No Plus One dates a little bit more spicy...i want someone I hit the dancefloor with and grind to the beats of reggae music....someone i can sit in the car and talk to like hours are not passing, someone I can share a meal with or cook a meal for.....someone who enjoys my company and vice versa .....and if sex happened to come into play ,then there it is. Thats what I want.

Idk if that exists for me.....
But this young man...this young wordsmith of poetic breaches of body contact......he is someone who I COULD be friends w/benefits with, bUT-

I don't want to be ONE of the beneficial offers that lay at his feet. Im stingy. I want to be stingy with my body and in return, i want that person to be stingy with theirs. I have no call outs or desires or requests of this young man .....flirting with him on the ocassions that we do really breaks the monotony of my otherwise silent love life. I don't foresee anything happening between us other than the sharing of poems and a few friendly exchanges of flirty heat from time to time......

I want nothing from him.
I only want things from ME.

But this morning, he sent a message....well, a poem quip.....cheesy? Not really.....we always talk about poetry and shows and writing and stuff, so it was right up the alley of our relate-ship. This morning's piece of poetry pie was served up Apple Style....and I ate that shit up like pancakes and syrup. It was nice.  It was simple yet vivid and full of smoke and new york and poetry. I liked it.

So I wrote a response.
And I was going to post that here
But i've already said enough.

~jY