Initially, I was gonna write up all these stories and publish them in a chapbook-form and give them away. I was gonna name it AMuseD, which is a 4 level entendre of epic proportions. That quickly turned unfeasible. I needed something in the right now. So, I thought I would make a blog out of what would have been the book. It would serve two fold:
1) it was the 'right now' action I needed,
2. It could develop at it's own pace, and if done correctly, I could still turn it into a book but rather than a chapbook, an actual BOOK. I had been toying w/writing my life as a book since about 2002. My homegirl used to tell me all the time that my life should be a book and people would love it. Hmmm. So that's where I stayed.
Well, I started the blog, built some anticipation around it by using creative 'flyers' that I circulated online to get a feel for who would even be interested. I named the URL "The I is NEVER Silent", that was taken from an old Tumblr blog I had. The " I " in that represents the I in my real name (KendrIa) and the fact that silence is something I just don't do well anymore unless I WANT to.
Every Wednesday, I would blindly go in and blog about whosoever popped up as a relatable story, with the majority centering around my most recent run-in w/a mistaken identity case. I stopped posting every Wednesday as the healing grew in abundance....and when I say this has helped GREATLY in healing me, that is an understatement. I can't imagine all of this still being pinned up inside of me. Because this is my personal life on public display, yet what I feel is apart of my calling as a writer (I am literally the black Carrie B.), I've limited to the audience. And I admit, there are about 5 stories that I wrote, in clear details with the intent to leave open, but ended up going back and making them private. It's a nonstop transparent coat of fear and fearlessness....sometimes, I do feel like I've exposed too much of ME and so, I take it back * shrug *
There are roughly 70 or so people on the list, who have been asked to not share the blogs, as because this is personal and it is healing, I need to do it 100% public at my own pace. It's very public and very open. But unless you are trolling for it, you wouldn't know. And even if you were trolling, I guess you need some KEY WORDS....I started off sharing the links every time I posted and then I stopped. I moved more to a place of intentional healing and non-fiction storytelling that felt more comfortable NOT sharing links, but rather trusting that there was at least one person who felt so connected to what I was saying that they would return time and time again without me prompting.
I was right! And Smooches to You/Yaw <3 <3 <3 <3
I keep going when I think I've said or done too much because of you!!! And because of those who come after seeing a link posted. I've posted the link 'publicly' before as well (meaning outside of 'the list') ....but I don't do that often.
Well, here we are. Nearly one entire year later. 52 blogs with about 45 or so being visible ;)
A month or so ago, Google announced their decision to take down explicit content from their blogs. After they received a huge backlash, they double backed and said nevermind. But that nevermind did not stop them from deleting every single picture I had EVER posted between two blogs (i have another one that is centered around MyLifeAsAPoetGirl since 09)....hardly any were 'explicit' and every one of them had purpose. So it made me very uncomfortable ever posting again. But as life would have it, I have to keep going because I"m not done yet.
This chapter is not closed. There is more awareness about myself that I have to learn through my own writing of my life. See, that's what this blog is. While it is truth that it basically snitches on niggas ( shrug ), it is more of a reflection of myself and my decisions and choices, because EVERY person in EVERY blog was a CHOICE I made. In addition to that, this will be a book. Remember I talked about wanting to turn it into a real book?
Well that will happen.
I still do not know when .....i'm sure that will reveal itself in due time. But what I know is this can and will be a book, a hardcover book sold in places like amazon and bookstores. These things, this stuff, these men and this hurt did not happen to me solely because my decisions are a poor person's pockets....they happened for purpose...reason. And the book will help someone more than this blog helped me. My vision is it will make it on the NY BestSellers list. I don't see why I don't have that capability, especially seeing as though I am writing my story. A story that many don't share but many have experienced in some way or another. There are still things I have not said and things I will likely never mentioned (and of course the things I have said and taken away) ......
So with all this being said, I thank you and hope that you will stick with me, not just for the journey of this blog, but for the journey of the book!!! When i get that email to schedule my book tour, I want to personally invite you to be there...idk what it will take to make it happen, but if I can, Lord knows, I will.....there are 70 regular visitors here. I know who you ares. I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart to the top of it's mending. I was hurt without you watching and reading. But part of the reason I have healed as I have is because many of you have not hesitated to tell me that it's not just me. To share your experiences back with me. To say THANK YOU for sharing. I love you. I love you more than this blog will let me share. I appreciate you and I am something without you, but I am most definitely 100% greater and better having had you here, on this journey through my amusement park, with me.
Thank you for holding my hand.This blogi'versary is a BIG FUCKING DEAL to me.
You have officially witnessed a book being written. NOt just any book tho. A 2017 NY Times Best Seller. This blog is not here to call niggas out and make them pay for hurting me. I've thought about abandoning this project many times and many times, this blog is who I turned to when I was hurting at random. Missing at random. Needy and wanting to hug, fuck, talk or date at random. This blog didn't save my life. But it kept it from needing saving from myself.
This blog exists to force us to be accountable for who and what we let into our lives and what we let happen ....and most of all, it exists to remind us that our Crowns fall. We change our hair, our clothes, we take showers and go to sleep....our crowns are not always on top of our heads. But there is NEVER a point when you can't put it back on, adjust it as needed and be one with your royal. Cheers to evolution of us. Cheers to healing. If never I was fearless before, this blog gave me new fearless shoes to walk in !!!! It's scary to do this. There are so many potential 'repurcussions' that could come because of what I have said. There are stories niggas thought I would keep secret forevers. To tell the truth, this blog could get me killed, hurt, beat up, possibly sued (but they would lose...i'm smart), etc, etc......
But who am I to stop because fear says I should? I have shit to say and a poem ain't gonna do it and the Indy Recorder is NOT the place for it. So cheers, to fearless flying !!!
Cheers to being Amused by Muses who have Used us until the well went dry and the gasoline set fire to love <3 Cheers to the next step!
No comments:
Post a Comment