HARP HEAR THE ANGELS SING: The Road to the One Year Anniversary Blog.

Lord, God, Father, Jesus, Christ, HARP HEAR THE ANGELS SING,

somebody please listen to this. ....
or read it.

First off,
I am currently listening to Miley Cyrus on repeat. That alone is problematic to say the least.  In my defense, as I'm sure you may know, I just switched off Stankonia. So I guess I needed a drastic quick change of pace and somehow or another, I landed on Wrecking Ball.

I know why!!!
I saw it on the 'trending' feed. Anne Hathaway apparently lip synced Wrecking Ball on last night's celebrity lip sync show. Can I also know how come I can't be on this show? I know, I''m no one's celebrity besides Miss P & Lazarus, but just in the fact that I have spent my life lip syncing lyrics like I wrote AND performed them countless times prior, in front of sold out audiences, should allow me a ticket to play on this show. I really just want to do Chandelier. Oh well....maybe another life.

Back to the reason I am here:

Blogtrack: Wrecking Ball, Miley Cyrus

"I never meant to start a war
i just wanted you to let me in
and instead of using force
i guess I should've let you win
Don't you ever say, i just walked away, I will always want you. ... .

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
all i wanted was to break your walls
all you ever did was -

wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
i just closed my eyes and swung
you left me crouching in a blazing fall
all you ever did was -
-wreck me
Yeah you,
wrecked me.."

It's amazing the songs and the people who have the ability to sing our lives on stage without having ever met us. Someone, somewhere wrote this song. Idk if it was Miley or a ghostwriter.....but whoever penned this piece surely had to know what it feels to be 'wrecked' by someone.

I have listened to this before. I've 'heard' it before. Today, I heard it and actually took in the lyrics of the chorus and was thrown back a bit. I blame that accidental quick bread that Stankonia baked over my ear drums. .....It's not him I'm thinking of.

It's everybody.
Allofem.

I carry them with me and I know it. I know it from my post yesterday. I feel like I am bound and gagged and just shy of toe tagged to the luggage they drag across airports as they fly higher with a better person. ...a more qualified LOVE.  I am still here, after all this, alone. I'm not mad about it, but I feel like I've grown quite bitter. I can taste it when I swallow in the early mornings.

When I reach for water in the middle of night, if it's not cool enough, I feel like I can taste the saltiness of nigga shoulders and lies......i was wrecked by someone. But that wreck wasn't what did me in. I've talked about him and about them all through the streets of this fancy blog, so there is no real need to go over it again, but Lord, God, Father, Jesus, Christ, HARP HEAR THE ANGELS SING, I am so not trying to be condescending  .....

I need freeing from this.
I need to be salvaged and saved from this disgrace of my emotional fallout......EVERYONE has gone on, but me.

I'm still living in the shadows of the sound of my heart being misused again....i still bask and dream within my mistakes and the karma that I at least thought I reaped SOME of (if not all)....i bathe in this mess....this is so messy. This blog is approaching it's year anniversary and as I gear up to pen my 'Now What' blog, I can't help  but remember the time in my life, before the hurt and broken pieces were scattered everywhere, when 'NOW WHAT' was the name of the beauty shop I planned to open.
Now what is now my "what's next".

I keep seeing posts from different people about five year plans and life plans and here and now and then later plans.....I have plans. I have goals and dreams. I have things I am trying to do, i have made changes and continue to try to make better and new ones.....even when I step backwards for a second, I still shake my head at myself, pick up and move forward.....so how is it that I have landed in a solo arena of burning bitterness.

Lord, I do not want to be bitter.
Dear audience, if you are out there, bitter is not something to be proud of.
I am not a man eater. But I am bitter....I've been hurt, upset, angry and plethora of other emotions in the years that I have been dating and loving and liking folks, but the bitter me....this new chick ....this chick that I am uncomfortable giving the reigns to control the life and times of januarie york with, is sick.  Not sick like a stomach ache or the flu, or even sick in the head.....
...more sick and tired.
The age old saying.....Sick and  tired of the 'wonder' of 'will it ever be me"....no matter how comfortable I make myself or force myself to be with the way things are, I am a woman and if that means nothing, then I am who I am and I just have a hard time accepting that I was born with all this love inside of me and meant to share it in friendships and adopted family kinships.....

Is it because I am not well with my family, despite the fact that I love them each dearly?
Is it because of the abortions?
Is it because of lies I have told?
Or because of the bankruptcy? Is it because my truckie is over ten years old?
Or because of the things I have lost ?
Or because I love my dogs more than most humans?

Is there really no room out there for me to be loved in such a way that a man would see me and think constantly and consistently to himself that he would be less of a man, of a person, if he were not spending the rest of his life with me?

Is there really no other creation out there ? Did I let him pass me by? Did I kick him to the curb?

I don't have the answers to any of this and the truth is, I had, until just now, stopped throwing these questions in the dark.

I want to be ok with being single and so far, I have made a great deal of peace with it. Almost a dangerous amount of peace. I find it hard to let someone in my space....after ten minutes, I want them to leave.....i don't want to have conversations that open up my head and let them see inside. I don't want to share too much or laugh too hard because I KNOW (or expect) that the end is so near I can taste the resurrection.....

I just want to be ok. Not a wreck. Not the next crash test dummy or the sound of steel mangling around it's self and locking me in .....

I don't want to be a wreck. I don't want to be a bitter messed up in the head wreck. I don't want to block love IF love really exists for me.

Like, seriously.....Lord. God. Father. Jesus. Christ. HARP HEAR THE ANGELS SING, I jUST WANT TO BE Ok !!!!!

I want to NOT be bitter.
I want to not think about devon. Or randy. Or dennis. Or diesel. Or date another man who's name starts with a D. I don't want to think about the white guy. Or the last guy. Or all the times I've been stood up in the past two years. I don't want to want to dwell in this space of negative thoughts and emotions towards men, but it seems like I have spiraled down a rabbit whole where sharks bite and I have become one of them: A SHARK. o.O

I don't want to be a shark. I don't want it to be MY jaws of which bitter pills live and exist and aimlessly troll my nervous system, making me shake with fear of ever meeting another man who will hurt me or collecting another soul that will mean nothing after 48 hours .....

I just want to be ok.
I want to be ok with it NOT being me who gets married. I Still find myself in conversations discussing what 'my wedding' would look like ....i find myself drifting sometimes at the idea of someone making secret plans of some over the top but perfect for me engagement that involved my loved ones .....

I want to be ok with never having children.
I'm not PMS'ing, so this isn't a fleeting sense of bitter. This is what it is. I have to go to rehearsal for the Vagina Monologues tonight ...my vagina has no words. She's over it.
I want a new one. An untainted one.  One that has never been robbed or touched with ill, selfish intent or soothed with lies and kisses.

I want it back. I want the woman who loved first and asked questions later; only I want to control her. I want not to be bitter.

I want not to snatch my earphones out so hard, I almost disconnect them from their own chords because Stankonia came on and I can't separate the words from the song from the moment that a nonsexual chemistry was shared. Words were shared. I want to NOT care about ANY of that anymore.....i want to listen to 20/20 and bang my head hard to Tunnel Vision....i want to see pictures of me and not think BEFORE HEARTBREAK #(enter number). I want to NOT be heartbroken anymore....it's not my dad.
it's not my stepdad.

It's not even the Ex's and accidentals and mistaken identities that are consuming and forcing a moldy, lemon squirt down my throat.

It's me.
It's all me.
It's inside of me. THEY are still existing inside of me and no matter how many songs i lip sync to or avoid, and no matter how many poems I stop writing and blogs I start constructing, I have not successfully rid my life of the remnants of them. It's not 'them.' ....it's the 'act'.....

it's the carelessness....
it's the callousness
it's the no shame
the forgotten me
the fact that I have been so easily replaced so many times.
So easily forgotten....

and here I sit,
still stewing like a beefy bowl of WTF. ....

How could I be januarie york and kendria smith, all in one life.  Wasn't it januarie writing all those 'uplift the black man poems" ???? But wasn't it Kendria who quickly realized she was not influencing or inspiring the man she was in a relationship with?
Ugh Lord.
UGH!!!!!


Bitter lives here.

I have been reluctant to stake my claim on being such an ugly word, but perhaps that has been making me pretend that I'm not, thus stalling the process of getting rid of it. Let's try this blog. I am admitting to something that I've known for awhile. I'm not mad at #MuseWeasel still. I really am not. I'm not 'mad' at anyone, at least not as mad as I am at self for even still being able to FEEL ANYTHING....

how is it i have not depleted myself of this crap yet?
Maybe it's from ignoring. Or pretending. Either way, I admit it here, now:

I am bitter. :/  Ashamed to say that but * shrug *


And dear Lord, Father, God, Jesus, Christ, HARP HEAR THE ANGELS SING,

I really, REALLY do not want to be, anymore. <3

Blogtrack:
Edge of Desire, John Mayer.

"Love is,
really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me
for all of our trying
we still end up dying
how can it be....."