I Show Up Knowing Exactly Who I Am And Never Leave As Myself-

Tomorrow is the big day!!!!!

What will the blog say?

What will happen, what has happened ?

What has come from writing this blog? Anything? Has this blog finally gone completely public? What’s the plan ? How do you turn it into an actual full bodied book?

What’s the process?

How long can you talk about men? About you? How long, how much more, what now, what now, WHAT FUCKING NOW????????????????????????????????????????

This picture was taken about a month and a half ago. I was sitting, with full concentration on the word document I had pulled up on my laptop. I had started dating  again and was hanging out with the person I went out with. He sat there, silently allowing me to complete whatever thought I was in the midst of, but snapped several pictures of me. I remember him saying something to the effect of being able excited to take in the moment pictures of someone so beautiful. It flattered me briefly. 

No one sneaks pictures of me.

The last person I tried to give my heart to wouldn’t even like the ones I posted, but he literally would like every.freaking.woman.picture on facebook. The irony is the pictures of me that I would post that we all knew were not ‘cute’, he’d like. The devil is a lie but can sound like the truth if you tell yourself he don’t lie enough………………………….

Those who know me, know I looooove pictures. I love having my pictures taken. I love doing photoshoots and smiling and being camera free.  Quite a few of my close friends call me a narcissist to my face and have no qualm about doing so in a joking atmosphere, but I know they truthfully believe that. And I don’t care. * shrug *

I don’t consider myself a narcissist because I know what my reasonings are for taking photos and I’ve just never felt that I needed to offer up an explanation. I mean, I was raised getting my pictures taken for school. No one said it had to stop when you get to be an adult. Oh well, anyway, point being, I’ve paid many a dollarz  to have my photos done. But I’ve NEVER been with someone who wanted to take pictures of me.

NEVER.

I’ve had my pics taken with my man of the hour. It was always my decision, my suggestion and at times, my encouragement. But to have a man just reach for his phone (or camera, tablet, etc ) to take a picture with me or of me is something I’ve not really had. 
Wait -
Memory check.
Yes i have.  There was that one time I was dating Mistuh Cut&Cute Himself, #TRella (name change). He was FINEEEEEEEEEEE!!! My goodness, i know he has a baby by now!!! I mean he was just fine. I met him at the vogue. I remember it vividly: I was actually with another guy. Not on a date tho. I've never really been that ruthless. Or maybe I have, but I digress. I was hanging out w/a homeboy and we decided to go to Broadripple. I loved the Vogue, so we went and as soon as we got in, we went our separate ways. I saw #TRella dancing on the stage in a white shirt that was unbuttoned half way down. He had dimples, a flawless smile and he wasn't stiff. I was in there, not expecting to see someone that damned fine that was into black women, at the Vogue. I had on a hot ass Tommy Hilfiger cowneck sweater. I remember how hot I was AND I was holding a coat o.O  #MakesNoSenseToMeEither 

Anyway, I eye-followed #TRella through the Vogue all night long and somehow or another, we locked eyes. I wasn't expecting that, but we did. I can't remember my bold status that night...did I beckon for him or him for me? Idk....i used to have good luck with men, back in my 20s.  At least as compared to my 30s when life changed and men hate me, and I them. 

So needless to say, at some point we exchanged numbers. I think we even danced together for awhile that night. We talked back and forth and I went out with him several times. He was so damned fine. And his body. #GAWD.
He's the guy who I went to Lifetime Fitness with at 5AM as a date...all would have been well, but that's coincidentally the same day I set the treadmill to 15 MPH and ......

Yeah. that's another blog, another  day. But to confirm any suspicions, 

yes, I almost fell off the treadmill and everyone knew. 
ANYWAY,
we dated for some months. I don't even remember how many, but I liked him. He was a GREAT person from what I could tell, had ZERO children (I was about 26 at the time), his own apartment, car, job, ambitions....he was what I wanted. He was a model too if I'm not mistaken. If he wasn't, he damn sure could have been. I mean, dude was fine. 
Then there was that one night, when me and him were messing around in the bedroom. Funning, sex play and giggling. Oohs, and ahhs and secrets as we had friends downstairs. It was one of those, 'let's sneak off and come back like ain't nothing happened'.....it was all good until he told me to 'hold on'....i stayed there, in holding position, laughing to myself with my eyes closed. What was he gonna come back ?? Whipped cream? 
Some fancy tickler? We can't get loud tho !!!!! 

Then I heard it. * chichi uuuuuuuugggnnn * 
The unforgettable sound of a polaroid.
He snapped four back to back pictures of my naked body while I lay there frozen in WTF just happened mode? If you've read this blog long enough, you know my reactions are always too damn slow...another reason i don't date no more.....i react too right, too late.

It all happened so quick. Four snaps from a Polaroid (thank God there were NO CAMS on phones at the time)....four photos of my body fell on top of each other and scattered across the bed and onto the floor and before I could remove the confusion from my face and fix my lips, he dove back in and started having sex with me.  -_-

I didn't try to stop him. I still liked him. I didn't like that shit, but as much as I thought WTF to myself, i allowed him to finish our sneaky escapade and I intended to bring up to him how fucked up this was later. See.  Reaction - Problems. I admit it.
While he was dumping semen into the condom with his eyes sheltered from me, I grabbed the pictures off the bed and crumpled them in my hand. When I stood up to get my clothes, as he went to the bathroom, i grabbed the other two. We ended up back downstairs shortly afterwards and I don't remember what was said, but I know he thought I put those pics back. He never knew I left with them. But I felt violated. He didn't even ask. It went from awesome to polaroid in seconds. It was confusing.

And I never saw him again after that.
Him, his body or his gorgeous face.  Sheeeeesh. But for what it's worth, he was excited to take my picture!!!

I also tried to give some mental consideration to my ex #MuseSmallFries: there may have been a time he took pics of me. …………?

Nah. I don’t think so. Not on his own. I would do photoshoots while we were in a relationship that he would never even ask to see. I was never his background or his screen saver. I was never even a blurb in the contacts section. And we were together forevers ….seemingly.

So, all this to say,

I’ve just never had anyone so into me that taking a picture of me was something they WANTED to do; and did. That seems petty right? Who thinks of things like this? Me.

That’s who.

Maybe the fact that no one has ever been into seeing my face enough to want to capture it and have it with them is a testament to why I do many photoshoots for no reason.  

So this dude.

He needs a name since this is his second appearance here. I didn’t intend this to be a long blog. I just wanted to do one more blog before the one year anniversary. I can’t believe it’s been a year.  Let’s call him #MuseMeekahlWackson

Yup.

I like that.

#MuseMeekahlWackson saw something in me that he liked.  He saw a face that he wanted to see again. He saw a face, in a moment where nothing was happening: not a show, not a beat face, not a damn thing except for intensive studying into what I do best: WRITING. And he wanted it. I don’t know how many pictures he took, but he took a few. At some point, out the corner of my eye, I noticed his phone was up and he showed me the pic he took so as not to be a creeper.

I liked the picture. He was playing with filters and grids and sent it to me. He told me he would not post it without my permission, but I felt like he may have wanted to. Not because I’m ‘januarie york”….more because he was into me. I don’t doubt he was into me. I really don’t.

He was a great conversationalist and I really don’t have a lot of bad to say about him other than he has a habit  for confusing the truth for lies and I’m not sure that it’s on purpose or if it’s the way MY understanding is set up. We just had one too many instances in which his word was something that was at best, shaky grounds. I didn’t like it. So we stopped talking to each other.  I think it was done respectfully.  No hard feelings. This is the way you are supposed to be able to part from people who aren’t meant to be in your life for extended amounts of times. You are supposed to exit w/grace and still be able to look back, regret free. You’re supposed to be able to keep the fun times stored in a fun place, on ice. They aren’t supposed to morph into booby-traps that you label as moments you got caught up in.

Job well done jY.

You tried to date someone.

It didn’t work.

Yaw don’t hate each other.

Yaw don’t talk to each other.

But he took this picture. ….when nothing was happening. I think I was working on my bro’s bio at the time.  Just me, in my element. I liked the picture a lot.

But more than that,

I liked the flattery a lot. I liked that first.

It felt good.

It really did. I won’t pretend it didn’t.

Since then, I have dated no one. Well I went out once w/a white dude and that’s where that ended. That once. But since then, there has been no one taking pictures of my face because they enjoy it.

But just now,

I scrolled past this pic in my files and I smiled.

Because once upon a time,

Someone dug me enough to me in silence and snapped pictures of me, in my  natural.

Someday,

Someone may do that again.
If they know anything about me, they will know not to take the #TRella route. 

IN the mean time, I’ll do it myself,

With no explanation as to why.

Blog Track: Drake, Connect
"isn't it amazing
how you talk all this shit and we s till lack communication
how beautiful our kids would be 
i don't need convincing
how every conversation starts with 'this time will be different' 
oh,
oh the idea is fun.
Oh the idea is fun
oh the idea is so fun every time 
at least we try for home run every time.
Swangin
Eyes closed just swangin.....
.........and don't assume cause i don't like assumptions baby,
i'm just trying to connect with something."