Amused.

I woke up this morning and felt disappointed in myself. I found a gorgeous 44 year old man from Ohio sitting on the edge of my clifnotes. I keep trying to avoid confronting my conscious thoughts about him but I found him in a dream on the day I was most proficient at doing that, so I went ahead and let him in this morning. I let him into my thoughts……

A place that I banished him from.

#TheGuy

I fucked it up. I’ve said that in so many words in the last blog correct? So how on earth did I go from 100 to 0 in less than a week? Was it the sex? I mean, that’s feasible right? That I met someone that impressed me out of my panty set and then threw the deuces up afterwards….that’s totally possible. And because it’s so possible, it’s basically what I began to tell myself. But let’s take a step back-

…..we had conversations about sex and what we were ‘looking for’ or whatever. Me personally,  I do not desire any true attachment to anyone. But oh my gawwwwd how I miss male energy in the capacity of ‘courting’ (for lack of better word). I miss it, I miss it, I miss it !!!!!

Dammit. I want to scream about it some days because it makes no sense to me why I can’t have whatever it is I want. Even if ‘my husband’ isn’t located where I live, how come I can’t just get the energy – not necessarily sexual energy, rather that trade off of each other when you are getting to know someone that you like and who likes you. Those butterflies, phone calls answered and even a few missed ones…..no one wants to be totally accessible. The flirts and the laughter and the road that begins a new beginning between two people that may or may not turn out to work out for the best, but the journey is fun. I miss that fun journey. This isn’t new. I’ve spoken of it as many times as I have declared that there is no one on this Earth FOR me.  Even when I feel that way, I still miss what I don’t have.

I met #TheGuy and we hit it off immediately. Our conversations grew longer and more frequent with each passing day and he was so fucking good looking. His body, his face, his mesmerizing eyes. …..he seemed impossible FOR me because why or how did I pull someone so fine who also had a grown adult attitude, conversation style and overall way of being.  I wanted him to come see me, but I wasn’t ready for him to come here. So I went to see him. We had a great time enjoying each other’s in person company and januarie had too much to drink because she was sipping Ciroc as if it was water.  Long story short, we had sex. It was amazing great sex. I haven’t been sexing no one so I definitely wanted to have sex with him. I won’t lie like I didn’t. I know all about soul ties, energy trades and all the other things associated with fucking someone new that we don’t often talk about. And for him, I wanted to sacrifice or better yet, chance that it would be ok getting connected to him in such an intimate way. He didn’t give me this vibe or this feel like he would be someone who would throw peace signs my way afterwards.

The next day, I had a fashion show and he had to work so we parted ways relatively early. He told me that as soon as he headed out into the field, he would call me. He was good about keeping his word. He called me like he said he would. But something happened:

I couldn’t answer the phone. 

My hands would not let me grab that phone. I looked at it and thought to myself, ‘maybe I just wanted to sleep with him’?  I let his phone calls go to voicemail both times he called. He knew I was on the road because I had only been gone for about 20 minutes maybe. He text me, asking if I was ok and I responded quickly  that I was good. He informed me that he called me, to which I said nothing. Some mean girl inside of me was whispering in my ears that I didn’t owe him an explanation as to why I didn’t answer the phone.  He just should just guess that it’s early in the AM, I need a shower and I don’t want to talk. In reality, I was processing what I drove out of town to do. Not in a regretful way or nothing. I did exactly what I wanted to do. I’m grown and I wanted to have sex with the person I had been spending all this phone time with and so I did. But at the same time, it has been a long while, so Idk. …I remember thinking to myself ‘Just let your dopamine get leveled out’ …..

We ended up talking later on that day after I was in the city and waiting on a meeting to start. He mentioned that he had called me and I said nothing in response. Literally nothing. There was dead air. On the way home, right after his second call, one of my friends called me and asked me how it went because she knew I had left the day before to go see him. I told her I had a great time with him and wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk to him anymore. I couldn’t give a good reason as to why, so I started pointing out things that I thought would render us unqualified for an extended stay in each other’s lives. I did this several more times as I spoke about our visit to my sister and to another girlfriend after the panic of what I had done started to set in.

That was it.

After that, everything was different.

It’s pretty much a done deal. I’ve sent a few texts to him and he called me several times two days ago but we kept missing each other. He would call and my earphones were on so I didn’t hear the phone ring. I would call back and he wouldn’t answer. Then he called back. We did this three separate times and none ended with us on the phone with each other. From my perspective, he was playing childish games. It wasn’t until a moment yesterday that I was asked if I had stopped to think that it looked like maybe I was playing games. I mean, I set this entire sudden breach of talking into motion.  It’s not that I owed him an answer to his calls. But it is that he told he was calling. And he did. And my reason for not answering was as simple as self-sabotage. 

That’s.It. 

I admitted in a text that I fear getting hurt by anyone so I may have jumped the gun in thinking that we were done talking to each other. …oh yeah, I had text him and told him that our communication style seems different to which he responded that I had been relatively “short” with him despite him having called me as soon as I left. So there is no need to wonder if that is what got us here……it is. And maybe I was short. I realized I was going in the wrong direction and tried to swerve to a lane of better control, but once I realized it wasn’t being received the same as it was prior, I planted another seed: He just wanted to fuck me.

Then I operated out of that mind set. Did he just want to have sex with me? I don’t think so. ….it’s still a possibility but I don’t think that’s what it was. I think I look like a 36 year old game playing woman who is unsure of what to do after she has sex with someone…..

And as much as I want to say that’s not the case, I can’t. I don’t know exactly what is going on. I mean, I liked him and he liked me. He looks good and he knows it. He doesn’t have to pound the concrete to get pussy and he definitely doesn’t need to get any all the way from a different state. I mean, that COULD Be a possibility. I rule nothing out where men are concerned. But …..

…I fucked up.

Straight up. And if I don’t admit it, I will do it again with someone else I like. Unfortunately it will not be #TheGuy I met and started digging.

I teased myself in every way possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally. ….i let myself get charged up on someone and then after sex, I got scared of him. I got 100 % fearful of him. I saw #MuseWeasel again. I remembered our ‘connection’ and how easily it was broken. I thought of all the options I gave a nigga to be honest and he turned around and told me lies. I got scared in that drive home. I haven’t been held in a long time man. That night, I laid in this man’s muscles and idk how long I was the way I was, but when I woke up in the darkness and still of his bedroom, I was laying right on his arm muscle with both hands. Idk if you can even picture it.

Idk if I can.

Amazing how something so simple can make you feel so fucking good.

Even more amazing is how something that makes you feel so good is something that your inner self implores you to sabotage. He had been making me feel good....remember the blog I JUST posted "Along Came a Spider" ??? 

He gave me those fucking butterflies all over my office man. I spent the better of the days on the phone with him. Now, it's a wrap. I'm ok with letting go of what's not meant to be ...i still believe that if he was truly interested, he would be in touch. I've sent a white flag his way but at the same time, I understand that the after-sex impression of panic and anxiety may have just not been a part of the plan...it's fair that it runs him away. * shrug * 

I"m just scared of doing this again. I really am. I didn't even foresee this. I was genuinely digging someone again. And I will be damned if it wasn't reciprocated

....and as if I'm undeserving, I stopped and blocked us because ....fear. Because I"m looking for the monster creeping behind me with a secret pitchfork described as roses. Because, I'm damaged in areas I can't clean. Because, as much as I think I deserve greatness, I'm technically only used to dealing with the scum of the earth and now, I have adapted a behavior that calls attention to it. 

If I’m not careful, I will be the Muse, amusing myself one failed attempt after another.

Blogtrack:

"Stranded in this spooky town
stop lights are swaying and the phone lines are down
soul is crackling cold
you took my heart
i think you took my soul"

~Kings of Leon, Closer