Growing Weeds within Charlotte's Web.

Stepped outside of myself today and realized JUST how damaged I am....

And through teary eyes, I wonder in frustration will I ever, seriously EVER be ok again? 

I'm trying to beat them to the punch.

I'm trying to 'discover the lies' before they give them to me....

leave them first, before they can leave me

i'm trying to salvage myself and save what's left of me 

it's

so

hard.
it's hard because in attempts to 'salvage' or 'beat' them, I screw up GOOD possibilities. Really solid good ones. I can't tell my friends from my fauxs where men are concerned.

And I was actually pursued.
I didn't catch him.
He caught me....stopped me in my tracks....
and in the midst of it all, I must have looked up and said 'wait a minute....this nigga MUST be full of shit', and proceeded as if he was.

This is how you grow weeds from inside of Charlotte's Web. 

Only today have I ever been able to see it from an outsider's standpoint. Even with 60 plus blogs and a lot of thinking, praying and self discovery, it wasn't until today that I was able to stand aside and see the replays of myself bending over the buds, pouring leftover diesel all over the flowerbed just before striking a match and standing back to watch the glory. 

The phoenix went up in the fire. 

I fucked up. For real. I am grown enough to say that. I'm so grown, that I can admit that I did just what I said I didn't want to do: I projected.

But this time, it wasn't love that I wanted that I was projecting. I'm just dating. I'm not looking for love or anything....just trying to let things happen naturally....yet, I projected onto a man that I was digging, that I believe was digging me.....and onto him, I placed these 'things' that deemed him 'not for me'...

And maybe he isn't. 

Maybe he was. 

Maybe, I will never fucking know. I guess if he truly was, he wouldn't be run off so easily .....I don't know that I ran him off, but I know that how I fucked up. 

And i know why. 

I don't blame the Muses of my past. 

I blame myself. 

I tried to beat him to a punch he wasn't necessarily even remotely close to taking,

until I started beating him to it. 

I planted a seed that was not growing.

Now there are weeds.

Weeds sprout quickly and burst all over the place and before you know it, small increments of time will have given way for the flowers to become a blur and the weeds to become EVERYTHING. I'm standing in the middle of what was JUST a flower bed full of buds and possibilities....

it was easy like sunday morning perhaps

Pollen was blowing but nothing to make you sneeze....

and now i look around

and all i see are weeds. 

weeds and knats. 

Fruit flies. 

I am a fruit fly feeding off the juices of my own damn heart.

Cheers januarie.

You're still not ready. <3 

Blogtrack:

"I can understand how the edges are ruff

and they cut you like the tiniest slivers of glass

and you feel too much

and you don't know how long you're gonna last 

But everyone you know

is trying to smooth it over

find a way to make the hurt go away

but everyone you know 

is trying to smooth it over

like you're to scream under water

but I won't let you make the great escape

I'm never gonna watch you checking out of this place

i'm not gonna lose you

cause the passion and pain

are  gonna keep you alive

someday." 

~Pink, The Great Escape.