He Licked My -

So maybe that's one of the reasons I thought we were pretty exclusive to one another.



NAHPE.


I was wronged.

He licked my ass on purpose.

I ACCIDENTALLY ate her pussy off his dick.




SOmetimes,

this shit STILL burns me up. Mental STD's. There is no cure but time.


Lots
and lots
and lots and lots and lots

of time.


I'm really not sure why he has been on my mind this last week or two. Its not that he's been on my mind actually, its moreso, the things that remind me of him have not been avoidable for some reason and as much as I control my thoughts, heck, i'm still human and that shit hurt me, my ego, my poems... all of me.


Yesterday, i asked myself out loud, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!?????
If he knew he so much as tiptoed past my thoughts, not only would his ego blow up some more, but he would also say something like 'why the hell is she even still thinking of me" ???


Here's what tho

All my life, all my relationships, I've covered up loss. I have either stayed in the relationship until I was numb to feelings or I replaced them with someone else, that newer, exciting and more cooler anyway....i've always been able to defer my 'hurt' and ultimately cover it up. This is the first time, in a long time if not in my entire life, that I have had to deal in the loss of someone i loved and wanted, with NO COVER UP!!!! NO BAND AIDS......no nothing.

No new guy
no new friend
no staying with a person until i feel nothingness.....

just some straight up riding it out healing, one day at a fucking time.

I've had a lot of good and  great days over the last 3 months......this has just been an interesting 2 weeks lately. I believe its because of timehop and what I was doing/where my head was at this time last year......his birthday is in a couple of days.....

And I can feel the sting of him openly dismissing spending time with me, like I asked 2 weeks prior, and instead hanging out with 'his boys' as he put it, but in reality.....we know what it was.

I'm healing.
i'm better
i'm greater

i have just had some moments here lately...nothing i couldn't control, but moments nonetheless......i guess this is what it sounds like

when doves cry.

DJ Eaaaaaaaasy Dick #WBalls

Guess who back in the motherfuckin house

With a fat dick for your motherfuckin mouth

Hoes recognize, niggaz do too

Cuz when bitches get skanless and pull a voodoo

What you gon do? You really don't know

So I'd advise you not to trust that hoe

Silly of me to fall in love with a bitch

Knowin damn well, I'm too caught up with my grip

Now as the sun rotates and my game grows bigger

How many bitches wanna fuck this nigga named Snoop

Doggy, I'm all the above

I'm too swift on my toes to get caught up with you hoes

But see, it ain't no fun, if my homies can't get a taste of it

Cause you know I don't love em

Whoa!

Hey, now ya know, inhale, exhale with my flow

One for the money, two for the btiches

Three to get ready, and four to hit the switches

In my Chevy, six-fo' Rad to be exact

With bitches on my side, and bitches on back

So back up bitch cuz i'm strugglin, so get

off your knees and then start jugglin

these motherfuckin nuts in your mouth

It's me, Warren G the nigga with w/the Clout....

~Aint No Fun 

#SnoopDogg

"Ya know, some of these niggaz is so deceptive

Usin my styles like a contraceptive

I hope ya get burnt, 

it seems ya havn't learnt

It's the nick nack patty wack, I still got the bigger sack......................"

~Doggy Dog World  #SnoopDogg

Court is In Session

* sigh *

Honestly,

if I were being honest,

it is REALLY boring for there to be NO ONE within earshot. No texts, no calls, no dates, no NOTHING.  Like NOTHING.

It takes genuine work to not let that make you down on yourself or lower your esteem, even if just by a millimeter....imagine getting close to 40 and there not being a single person attracted to you in a way that attracts you to them.

Shit.

Shrug.

That's not what I came here for.
Some days are greater and met with more ease than others....
today is fine day.
I have agreed to self to indulge in Single Woman's Giving of  Thanks, for the first year ever. I hope that I successfully document it. There's this one second app that once I learn how to work it, I might use to capture it. I might also use it if I end up in NY next week. We'll see. The point is accepting my life, the way it is right now, and not wishing or hoping for something greater, better or bigger to occur in minutes....so for thankgiving, I plan to cook for myself, have candlelit dinner with music (probably Trixie Whitley's favorite stranger on repeat) and just enjoy some holiday-me time....

I digresses.....

I came to drop some poetry....all the above is jY rambles.
So, I had a 7 am inbox from someone who is NOT a suitor. He's someone who I know, who does poetry (i've sworn so far off poets that any overuse of metaphors will get a dude the boot) and who I've known for a while now...he's younger than me. And I enjoy our casual few and far in between poetic flirts with each other. I don't text him or call him much at all....more often than not, i act in response to him....

I don't want to seem like I want him. I do and I don't. I do but I can't have him for many reasons. I don't because I'm not good for anyone right now. I don't because he does what I do and it's never worked in the past. I don't because he is not ready for that....WE are not ready for the same things.....so I tend to move around him with pinky tiptoes.....I don't make much noise or engage for long periods....i cut off conversations or don't read messages until days later...i'm honestly not trying to play any games.....

I'm learning from my past mistakes and as a result, I exist with buckingham guards by my side. They control my moves. I am a robot. * shrug *

Our religions are differing to a point of no agreeance.
The same with our age.
So I am VERY realistic in the sense that this is NOT someone 'dateable' to me. We don't even occupy the same state lines. Which is even better.....he's at more than a distance. #SafePlaces BUT- we flirt......rightfully so....i believe we are both attracted to the poetic musings of each other, as well as the physical of each other.....we have good, humorous and often poetic phone conversations sometimes.....but knowing what we know about age, state and religion are deal breakers that can't be avoided. So I wonder if we both tread this line very finely so that there is no 'liking' that takes place OVER the realms of our boundaries. We are both very boundaried off, potentially for differing reasons.....

but we both flirt sometimes.....and it makes me smile without meaning to or even wanting to. I'm such a girlie girl sometimes that it makes me want to stand up and pee. -_-

...we hung out a few weeks ago, dancing and writhing and talking until the wee hours of the morning...it was the first time my body had contact like that in forever.....it felt good. I let go and let my body and the music take over. We sweat and smiled and touched and rubbed bodies....it was a salacious, somewhat sensual act of desire that was strong enough to break the floorboards we stood upon, yet, we both know our truth and its not in the back of our minds....
...it exists in the front pew.

So we both know what we can do and what we can't.
Sex.
That's all we can offer each other. Our religious beliefs, our states and our ages say so. There is no in between.  And honestly, i do not want an in between. I don't want to date a poet. NEVER ....i'm not saying I wouldn't -

I just don't want to. Its too hard to separate the poems from reality when in date mood. You have expectations of this person based on what you have heard from them but in reality, human beings do not exist in the unknown space of similies and colorful metaphors....this can lead to (and for me, has before) major DISAPPOINTMENT.

So....dating is no option.
Its not warranted or wanted.
Do I want to fuck ??? Man......listen. Its been nearly a year. The days are creeping up and beyond me at rapid speed....its almost hard to fathom. I've had so much sex that I'm all sexed out. I outsexed my life. Now I'm involuntary celibate ....and horny. NOt every day but on the days that I am...........shrew. ......dammit man. -_-

Oh...there was a self imposed question there wasn't it o.O ?
DO I WANT TO FUCK ????? Why did i propose this question with this language??? Simple...because we would not be making love......having sex? Perhaps....but fucking is what we would be doing....if I were being honest....and i honestly think there is a huge difference.

So....do.i.want.to.fuck????
Yes and no. I don't want to fuck just anyone....what i have learned from celibacy is the longer you hold your legs closed, the more picky you get about who gets the opportunity to consume your faux-hymen......i don't want to fuck just anyone...i will not be just fucking anyone......and at this stage, it makes no sense to fuck someone who is not for real interested in me......

unless......
I just want a friend w/benefits.....
and honestly, Idk what I want right now.....i really just want someone to hang out with to make these No Plus One dates a little bit more spicy...i want someone I hit the dancefloor with and grind to the beats of reggae music....someone i can sit in the car and talk to like hours are not passing, someone I can share a meal with or cook a meal for.....someone who enjoys my company and vice versa .....and if sex happened to come into play ,then there it is. Thats what I want.

Idk if that exists for me.....
But this young man...this young wordsmith of poetic breaches of body contact......he is someone who I COULD be friends w/benefits with, bUT-

I don't want to be ONE of the beneficial offers that lay at his feet. Im stingy. I want to be stingy with my body and in return, i want that person to be stingy with theirs. I have no call outs or desires or requests of this young man .....flirting with him on the ocassions that we do really breaks the monotony of my otherwise silent love life. I don't foresee anything happening between us other than the sharing of poems and a few friendly exchanges of flirty heat from time to time......

I want nothing from him.
I only want things from ME.

But this morning, he sent a message....well, a poem quip.....cheesy? Not really.....we always talk about poetry and shows and writing and stuff, so it was right up the alley of our relate-ship. This morning's piece of poetry pie was served up Apple Style....and I ate that shit up like pancakes and syrup. It was nice.  It was simple yet vivid and full of smoke and new york and poetry. I liked it.

So I wrote a response.
And I was going to post that here
But i've already said enough.

~jY

This time last year

I did something I haven't done in awhile.

I poked my nose where it doesn't belong.

...it started in the middle of last week. I was minding my business in my office. I usually have my earphones on but in this particular moment, I was earphone-free.....where I sit is pretty quiet.  There is nothing there but the bathroom (unfortunately for me), a conference room and two offices within earshot.

On this day there was a meeting in the conference room, so it was a bit busy and somewhat noisy so why I didn't have my earphones on yet escapes me, but out of the disturbed silence broke a sound that I hadn't heard in months and stopped me in my tracks.

Those piano keys.
An IPhone ringtone.....idk, it could be for androids too, although every time I've ever heard it since this time last year, it was on an iphone.

It quieted whatever I was thinking and I stopped typing and looked up and out into thought oblivion. It was brief.
It was happening before I could stop it.

it was him.

It was proof that he still exists within me and as mad as that might make me or no matter how ill fated it was for me to love him, I did....therefore, he still exists.

He may always exist.
Although tamed and although I was able to snatch myself back before I drifted into a negative space, I still -

remember him.

That ringtone in the office was the same ringtone of his phone. I remember that ringtone going off around 2 or 3 AM one morning while I was laying there next to him on one pillow while he rolled off the top of about three of them mugs....

that was the first physical time I realized he was interested in me. I read people well. I like to think otherwise; I like to tell myself that what I interpret from the shit people do is wrong, then I go on to realize I was right more often than not. Hmph.

I knew he wasn't into me that night. I think that was one of the last times, if not THE last time, I spent the night with him. Everything else after that was nothingness.... me trying and failing miserably at the expense of my crown and perception.
I had to have looked desperate.
I was.

I desperately wanted to be RIGHT this time.  In that right, I ignored my instincts and essentially sacrificed myself for love and I wanted it to be RIGHT.

I wanted to prove myself otherwise. I wanted to be in the right to love this nigga who didn't really like me enough to tell me that he was dating and fucking someone else.

* shrug *
.....on this last night, his body language towards me was -0. I should not have stayed but my pride new that if I suggested I leave, he would willingly see me off. I didn't want that either. I wanted someone to say 'i'm sorry babe, come here' and hold me.
I KNEW he wouldn't do that. So I laid there until I couldn't take it anymore. He offered me no pillows, no body contact, he hogged the cover and the bed.

It was different than it started. Completely. And I knew it and felt it and when I finally decided to leave, he didn't even walk me downstairs, much less to my car.
Lol.

He gave no more fucks in epic proportions and still I continued to attempt to extract syrup from a coffin and yielded only this blog as a result.

I heard that ringtone last week, and remembered him. I remembered the fact that it was useless of me to love him.

Two days ago, I walked in my house after work. I have two furnaces and usually the one downstairs is off because I'm hardly down there. There are more plug ins down there as well.  There are two different atmospheres within my home; downstairs and upstairs. As I walked up the steps and the warmer air covered my body, the smells transitioned from the scents of downstairs to the that of my bedroom.

I got to the top of steps and stopped.
Dead in my tracks.

Whatever I just smelled, I hadn't smelled since this time last year. I recognized it.
It was the scent of his house.
It was distinct.
Memorable. I used to smell it in anticipation when I would be on my way over there.
For some reason, I smelled it in my house.

Had I bought the same plug in as him? Idk....I know that smell tho.
And I knew it the minute it touched my nostrils.
It made me angry.

I still remembered this muthafucka. I have been long gone from his mind no doubt. How is it that he could even have a this long of a blog for me to discuss, nearly a year later????? Ugh.....
I mean, none of this shit involved tears or nothing like that....
i didn't sit around and dive deeper into the thought process, and I didn't drive myself crazy with what ifs, but man.....
still.....

its like WTF. -_-


Today I overstepped my boundaries.
I checked looked at his twitter page.
Looked at his girlfriend's page.

Shrugged my shoulders.
It really didn't make me feel anything. I would say I'm happy for them but why lie???

Seems like people don't get their karma. ....
But i know they always do.


I won't venture back to their neck of the woods anymore.
I would kick myself for falling into the trap today, but hey....he's all in my timehop and this time last year, I was excited and in love and ready to give him the gift I knew would be adored and unexpected.....so eh...

maybe its apart of the mourning process...
dates/times...things.....significant things, bring us memories....we decide what we allow those memories to do with and/or to us. I guess....
I think.'

I'm proud of the control I've had lately. I am. I'm proud that my act of cyber voyeurism gave me no feels. I'm disappointed that I did it. I didn't even try to stop it, I just did it and got it over with....

I'm human.
Shit happens....

I loved him.
I still remember him.

I forgive him tho.....
and will continue my journey, getting stronger each day....

.............

It just overwhelmed me.

For the first time, in weeks....at least.


I know what the trigger was,
there was a trigger. ....

i don't feel like saying what because ...for what?


I just came to say i missed him,
just now

i just missed him in a random moment.
i missed him.


it pissed me off.

Interrupting This Bloggram: IN Lieu of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I'm posting this:

Found this on my other facebook page, dated from 2011 (when I made a NOTE of it). ...the following are some random excerpts taken from a journal I have:

"The following are journal entries from 2003....written only months before i would visit for the first time, a place that would ultimately save and change my life.....an open mic by the name of The Cozy.  Nothing about these entries has been altered or rewritten...they are copied just as i wrote them. 

Valentines Day 2003

This has officially been the worst day, much less valentine’s day, of my life….me and "MR." have officially broke up.  He told me to suck a dick today …he hasn’t been home and isn’t coming and really, I don’t want to ever see him again….i am beyond being hurt, but I’ll make it…I have to…im at work…and no one is here except Leroy and a fat man…it is so boring in here…”Deeluscious” is sleep with a blanket, “Paradise” is leaving and I’m bored to tears….i’m so thirsty ….all I have is a dollar I found somewhere and I owe Miss Joyce damn near $20.

3/10/03

Its been so long since I wrote in here…but my life has continued to be filled with sad, depressing days….they’ve been so pathetic that I’ve not been in the mood to write….but there have been days that stood out more than others that I need to write about…about two or three weeks ago on Valentine’s Day Wknd, I had another one of those “worst days of my life”…the whole damn weekend was really fucked up…I didn’t even get a happy valentine’s day…."MR" was drunk and high all weekend and didn’t come home until Saturday morning only to be high and drunker than I’ve ever seen and started fighting with me and then, pulled his gun, coked it back and pointed it at me and I honestly thought he was going to kill me….i was in the bathtub crying scared as hell…that was one of the moments where you feel like you’re in a life or death situation….he kept calling me bitches and pointing his gun at me….all he had to do was pull the trigger….he was aiming right at my face and head…I ended up running out of the house in the snow until I knew he was gone….but he can’t understand why I was scared…he told me if it wasn’t for his daughter, he would kill me….i damn near don’t even want to remember that night….

March 20, 2003

Today was another pathetic day in my life…I found myself asking for permission to go out of town from someone who’ll call me from the road and say “I’ll be back” ….only for him to break up with me, make me cry and make me say I’m not going ….he clearly had that planned…its so embarrassing to have given up control of my life…I’;m so sad and depressed…its like he just wants me to be this way….he doesn’t wants me to have friends or go no where or nothing…he keeps hanging up on me…im thinking about not working and going to a poetry reading somewhere….by myself….but I don’t know….i’m just so depressed right now…I can’t stop crying….

3/31/03

Today is the worst bout with depression I’ve ever had….when I woke up, I knew it would be this way…in the last 48 hours, I’ve managed to lose $70, my only ID and my only charger for my phone, which is completely dead…I have cried so much about nothing today…I cried because I couldn’t get the glue out of my head…my apartment is so nasty , I am embarrassed for my shadow to see it…but my depression at this point is so severe, I had to make myself wake up….the only peace I get is sleep….my lip is still very swollen from fighting with "MR" but I am going to work anyway…I cannot sit in this house …after driving for a week, I am once again depressed about being stranded in here…no phone, no car, feeling very ugly…I am so severely close to suicide…but being my moms only child is holding me back…among a few other things……………………………………………………….."

-one woman is beaten by her husband, boyfriend or male lover, every 15 seconds in the US. 

-One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

- PLEASE DON'T BE A JUDGMENTAL FRIEND.  JUST BE A FRIEND.  LEND YOUR EAR, SHOULDER AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU CAN OFFER.  MAKE THE OFFER.  IT COUNTS.  SHE WON'T FORGET, EVEN IF YOU THINK SHE'S NOT LISTENING.  SHE'S NOT STUPID, SHE'S BROKEN; HER SPIRIT AND MENTALITY ARE BOTH BROKEN.

*****Starting on October 15, 2014, I will begin (and hopefully keep up with) #16Candles. A daily tribute meant to bring awareness to domestic violence in the most REAL of ways. I won't say how or when....just if you see the link, click it, read it, indulge in it.....and take away something from it forever. Or at least that's my hope. <3 

Creepshow: Part III

So it was the end of the night.

And folks still wanted to hang out. Somehow I got talked into going to another night spot that was lowkey and quiet. There was a fun group of about 6 of us. We met up. He was with me. He hadn't secured a room for the evening, which I was particularly hoping he had done. We hung out and cracked jokes for another couple of hours and suddenly, it was the wee hours of the morning.

We dispersed. He was still with me. I had to get him to a room. It was about 2 AM in the morning. He suggested staying with me due to it being so late and check ins and leave out times and blah blah, blahhhhh........End result was I brought him back to my house. Same attitude. But I knew what to expect. Especially after drinks were involved. He went and laid in my bed. I went and took a shower. A looooong shower. I mean, I was probably in the shower for about an additional hour. My hot water furnace-thingy was the shit ! By the time I left out of the bathroom in total, he was snoring so loud that I didn't even need to tip toe.

I dressed in a long, dark tshirt, a bra, some panties and some night pants that stopped at the kneecaps. I slid in the bed like a feather on the creep. I laid flat on my back and just as I closed my eyes, he rolled over and put his arm around me. Despite having been in the throws of REM, it was as if his energy detected mine the minute it came into the room. He turned his body towards me. I turned on my side, giving him my back. In my mind, in MY perception of the world, of life and of this moment, this was my denial of advances. He instead saw that as my ass wanting to be warmed up. He started rubbing my body and had closed our body contact to zero degrees of separation.

In this moment I thought really quickly; do I give in, like I have often done in the past, even though I have not been interested in sex all day? Or do I stand my ground? I chose to stand. I expressed plainly and clearly that sex was not something I was interested in tonight. I remember that. He somehow interpreted what I was saying, coupled with my body language and full dress as me needing to be physically convinced.

He proceeded to roll me over and climb in between my legs. I mentally became defeated. That quickly, my ground collapsed beneath me and I felt as though nothing I would say would allow what I WANTED, which was no physical contact/sex, to occur. It has always been this way. I have always felt like saying no meant nothing to the men I was saying it to because I either put myself in a faulty situation out of pure spaciness or because I just didn't deserve to say no. So, I said nothing as he began to take my knee length night pants down and proceeded to give me head. I had tried keeping my knees tightened and locked but he easily insisted otherwise.

I just turned my head to the side with tears falling as I heard my poems spinning out of word control. Who was this person laying here? This could NOT be the poet everyone swears is dope. I knew the head was all a set up. And like I thought, it was.

After he thought he won my body over, he sat up, put on a condom and climbed inside of me as if it were what I was created for. He took his time, alternating between slow and medium strokes to faster ones that I hoped if I ad-libbed with, would give us a quick ending. It did not. I laid there, feeling lifeless and less a woman, with tears streaming....and I wrote a poem. In my head, a poem began......

"i am so tired of being men's doormats....
tired of letting them mop my back with muddy ass shoes

Why did I deserve this ? Not just on this night, but in my life and times? Why did I deserve to end up in these situations or to know the people who would treat me with such disdain for my womanhood? He kept stroking and laid his weight on my body; his face feeling like it was tearing into my neck.

I was so disgusted to hear his inhales and feel his exhales.
".....i'm exhausted, from defending my right to say no.
i shouldn't have to do this"

"..most men would rather fuck my feathers lose one at a time and i use my  voice as invisible please do not enter me tape
...but they wanna go under it anyway"

After what felt like eternity and a false hope for an ending, he requested I get on top of him. I obliged. Still in tears. In my dark bedroom, on my bed. MY bed. I rode him, hoping to get this over with as soon as possible when I heard the metaphor in my head:

" ...i rode him like a 1000 year old corpse,
hips dripping with disgust"

....when it was finally over, i got off of him and laid back in my original sneak space on the left side of the bed.  "What is it you were saying again?, he said."


I created an entire poem out of those exact lines and others the next day.
I never spoke to him again.

I never even understood what happened that night.
I went on hiatus for awhile. I changed my name while there.
I straightened my shoulders,
started back performing and tried to forget anything that would affect me from that night when my NO was turned into a YES in a defeated consent.